Remembering Kade

Tonight the 2011 Kade Daniel Klaassen Memorial Scholarship was presented to a very deserving young man, and while it fills me full of pride and joy that his memory lives on, it is also devastating to be reminded of our loss. It is so bitter sweet that while the scholarship helps someone move forward in their education, it is also a reminder of what our son will never get the chance to do. As a parent, the hopes and dreams you create for your child begin at conception. From the moment I knew Kade existed, I had thoughts and hopes of who he'd be someday, who he'd be. Even after his death, those hopes and dreams linger. It took me a long time to let go of those feelings, to let go of Kade. I spent a lot of time at the cemetery each day in the months following his death...I was in shock. It was like I had to see his stone to convince myself it was all real. For months, I was sad, numb, shocked, and yet in so much pain it hurt to go to bed, hurt to get out of bed, hurt to breathe. I wish I could say it's gotten easier...I guess some days, it is...but most of the time I am just sad and angry. I miss him so much. I hurt for what could have been and I hurt for all Kade is missing out on. He deserved so much more than the short time he had with us. He deserved to have all the things we wished for him and more.

Karsyn has begun to say "Bubba" when we go to the cemetery and Kinsley is very good to explain it all to her. Again, so bitter sweet. It is in those moments that I feel so blessed to have been able to carry Kade to term. Our girls know they have a brother, they will carry on that legacy, they will tell their kids of his life someday. On the days I want to scream at the world for carrying on as if nothings happened, I am reminded of how truly blessed we are. It is that ability to carry on that makes us stronger, that makes us realize that all the petty small stuff is so mundane. It is the moments like Kinsley kissing bubba's stone goodbye that matter...those moments that make me realize this is what life is about. I am thankful for Kade's life, thankful for my time with him, however short. While I am sad, hurt, and broken, I am also so thankful for the moments we were able to hold him, sing to him, and just love him. I will love him all the days of my life and hope that his spirit lives on in those who shared in his life with us.

Survival of the holidays...

So we made it through another holiday season. For some reason, this year was very hard for me...probably the hardest yet. I just really hit a rough spot in which I was just sad for days and "restless" with emotions the last few weeks. It is unexplainable really...I've just felt really down. Christmas is always a bit hard for me in that I feel an overwhelming sadness when I buy the girls gifts and not shop for Kade. I always end up shopping for tractors for him to lay at this grave. It is that time of year when you do Christmas cards, gift tags, etc and it is so hard for me not to sign Kade's name...I feel so guilty as though I am leaving him out. It is just an overwhelming rush of emotions that hits every time I sign a card or gift tag. I've had people comment that this was brought on ourselves by choosing to carry Kade and I have seriously put myself in the hotseat and thought that through. I disagree. Had we chosen to have an abortion, it would have destroyed me in that I would have spent my entire life wondering "what if" and felt so broken by our decision. This sadness would have been felt no matter what path we took. I can honestly say I have no regrets about carrying Kade to term. It was one of the greatest days of my life just as the birth of our other children was. It just also happened to be the worst/saddest at the same time. I would not change a thing about his time with us given the set circumstances....I would do it all over again if I had the chance to rethink or change our decision.

Sometimes I have to wonder why God placed this heartache on us. The whys and the anger come much more frequently now and to be quite honest, it scares me sometimes how quickly the anger and sadness can arise. I feel as though my faith is really faltering and I find myself struggling more and more. Whoever said "it gets easier with time" is not on my top 10 list right now. I WANT to believe it was all for some great, greater purpose type thing, or that we'll understand it all so clear one day, but I just don't right now. I feel so damn sad and I am just so damn angry. I close my eyes at night and just replay his birth over and over...the immense sadness of the painful silence when he was born....the realization it was all so real. it is like I am just now really grieving, just now really feeling our loss. It seems to be on Kinsley's heart as well as she talks about him a bit more and has been asking some really tough questions. She tells me almost every day that Kade is heaven and that she'll get to see him someday. She even asks me sometimes if we can go today....breaks my heart as I know she has no idea what that really means. I hope someday she understands what Kade's life meant to all of us and that she remembers the joy he brought into our hearts more than the sadness. I don't ever want it to affect her negatively. Someday we'll introduce Karsyn to Kade's resting place as well and show her pictures, tell stories, etc. and I hope she feels a connection to him as Kinsley does.


In all the mess of the sadness, I have to see the complete joy in our beautiful girls. When Kade died, I didn't think I could ever fully enjoy life again, and yet, each day with my girls is a reminder of how thankful I am to have them in my life and how thankful I am for each moment with them. It is unexplainable the joy I felt watching them Christmas morning, how my heart swells with pride as I watch Kinsley take care of her baby sister. It is that huge surge of joy watching them mixed with the sadness of knowing our son is not present for these moments that keep the emotional roller coasting going...it is so hard to feel the ups and downs and still keep functioning each and every day. It wears you out. I think that is what I most want parents who are facing this situation to know .... life does go on...you'll likely want to scream to the world "Don't you know my child has died?? How can you walk down the street, shop, work, etc???" Yet, life DOES move forward...you will feel joy again...you will breathe again....there are days where you'll feel complete sadness and moments when you feel a thousand emotions all at once. It is not easy...it is not something you go through without it completely changing you forever....but once you go through it, you'll likely realize you are stronger than you ever thought possible and that the smallest things in life become valued so much more. The little things that may have bothered you in the past suddenly seem so silly. Everyone will grieve differently and unless you are hurting others, there is no wrong or right way to grieve. I believe in my heart you have to do it your own way and you HAVE to do it. Looking back, I see that I avoided it...I immersed myself in work and now it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I've felt the sadness from day one, but I didn't get angry; I didn't let myself just be sad. I can't stress enough to let yourself feel your loss....I mean feel it to your bones, hit your knees, and feel the loss. The pain will knock the wind out of you and leave you wondering how you'll survive, but when you let yourself truly feel it, you find that you feel better for getting it all out. It sounds crazy, but I want to feel that pain sometimes...it reminds me of where I've been, it reminds me of Kade and what his life means to this family, it reminds me that I have so much love for the child I lost, and it reminds me that I still FEEL. Sometimes that numbness can be very scary and I need to know that I still feel. That raw pain reminds you that you are still part of the living.

I do not have a degree in psychology or do major research on loss, I can only explain my situation and how we've experienced our loss. I can only describe our feelings and our suggestions based on what we've learned. As stated previously, everyone has to do it their own way and you won't know that is until God forbid, you go through it. If you are reading this as part of the anencephaly support group, my thoughts are prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss and may God give you strength as you go through this very tough time. If you stumbled upon this blog in some other manner, I hope you read through it and feel the love in which it was created and cherish each day you are given with those you love....even the ho-hum ordinary ones :)

With a heavy heart...

So I think I have diagnosed myself as a hesitant blogger....I get so inside my own head that I have to get it out or I am going to go insane. However, I also tread lightly when opening up my complete emotional self to my computer. Totally more of how I complicate even the simplest of things. However complicated I may be, I feel as though I've totally earned that right these last few years.

For Christmas, gifts we took some family pictures and it was actually really nice to see all the kids together. It was also very hard for me and it honestly had not occurred to me that it would be. However, the entire time, I kept thinking in my head "We are missing one...no, these are not all the grand kids...wait, no those are just 3 of the boys, there should be 4." I tried and tried to push those thoughts out of my head, but that night as I lay in bed, it played over and over in my head that our son should have been there. And then came the anger. I notice it creeping up to the surface more and more these days. It swallows me whole and most of the time I don't even see it coming. After Kade died, I poured myself into work. I became a work-a-holic and let that be my obsession and distraction. I am now realizing I never took the time to grieve or let myself feel the other emotions outside of sadness. Now, it has built up so much that I catch myself being angry at the smallest things: tv shows of idiotic parents (ahem....16 and Pregnant??), the news when a story of abused children comes on, and these stories will bother me for the rest of the evening. With a very heavy heart, I must also admit that I have began an internal struggle with how I am so angry with God. I had so much faith and hope through this process and I found so much comfort in His word through our loss. But lately, I don't find that comfort any longer. I feel as though God took everything we believed and broke us completely. I realize we are far from perfect or the poster children for religion...but I also know with everything in me that we are good people. We didn't deserve to lose that security or belief in the world. I don't know what would justify "deserving" to lose a child...I don't mean that. It is so complicated to explain; I guess I just feel so hurt, betrayed, and just plain anger that we lost Kade and that we now live half empty or half broken. I am angry that my girls will not ever know their brother, that they have to try to comprehend his death at such a young age, that Kinsley cries because she misses her brother or because she can't see him. I feel so guilty for feeling angry and then I get angry that I feel guilty for being angry. Some days I just feel sad. Some days are days I spend angry. Most of the time, I am reminding myself of all we have to be so thankful for. In those moments when I watch my girls play or snuggle, I should know God loves us. How can we look at those beautiful babies and have doubts? I know eventually we'll get back to that place of finding peace in the faith we so clung to. It will come. For now though, I have to feel these emotions, feel the grief, and let myself find whatever it is I need to find to bring myself out of this feeling of unsettledness. I am a fighter...that's always been a part of me...and that is what my girls need to see in me. I fight for them. I fight for all the moms out there who feel the pain I feel and wonder how to muddle through it while keeping up with work, family, and life in general. I also have learned I have to fight for myself...no one else can do that for me.

Kinsley has really been inquisitive this week into facts about Kade's death. She has the usual whys, but also the fears of Karsyn going to Heaven, the need for more in depth details, and she has been looking at his picture albums more and more. Sometimes I have to remind myself that she's just 4. She always, and I mean always, says "Hi Bubba" as we pass the cemetery. Usually it followed with "we love you." And I don't do that...she didn't get that or over hear that from me. It touches a place in my heart that nothing else could. In those moments, I am reminded of how proud I am of her and how many lessons I have to learn from her.

Thankful......

Ah, the beginning of the holiday season. As much as I welcome and enjoy this extra time with my family, it is also a bit hard to put my entire heart into it. While I am extremely thankful for each blessing in our lives, it is hard to fully commit to the whole thankful thing. I'd be lying if I said that I sit around the table and think about all the things I am grateful for. I can't help but find myself thinking "there should be a little boy here" or "we are missing someone." I feel so guilty that I allow myself to fall into that bit of sadness rather than rejoicing in the faces we do have around the table, however, it is just there and falls upon me before I even have a chance to realize it. Our minds are funny things sometimes and the more I experience, the more I think mine follows my heart. When my heart hurts, my thoughts tend to follow. As I watched the girls play at a Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday, I felt like a part of me was missing, that I just was not fully engaged in the event. I have a hard time explaining the feelings that well up...much less the mixed emotions of what follows when I catch myself being so down. I have been told numerous times to enjoy what "I have," "rejoice in the good," ,etc. and I get it, however, it rarely comes from someone who's experienced what we have. As a mother who has lost a child, I don't think it is possible to fully commit to the holiday season without a bit of sadness or loss....and it's not that I don't appreciate my other children, I truly believe you can do both. You can be sad for what you've lost and you can be joyful for your blessings all in the same breath. In all aspects of my faith, I believe in my heart God understands this. I am confident He knows my heart and knows how I love my children and how I grateful I am for each minute I get to share with them (yes, even those moments when I am hiding in the bathroom looking for just a few seconds of "mom" time)...and that He understands the hurt and feelings of loss I experience when that heartbreak begins to win over. He created us to feel, to sympathize, to care for others, so I have to believe He allows us those emotions when the pain affects our own. I know we'll sit around the table Thursday and share what we are thankful for, with thankful hearts; that Kinsley will say she is thankful for bubba and Karsyn (she always does) and pogo sticks (that is a new on this year) and that that will bring on the tears, but they'll tears shared with a smile in that Kade will be remembered and will be a part of the celebration in our hearts, minds, and souls.

Just Breathe

I often hear people say "Time heals all wounds" and I truly wish I could agree...however, it is not true for me. I know why people say it and it is meant to make you feel better in a moment of heartache...and I guess in some situations it does heal some wounds. For a parent who has lost a child, however, I don't think that is ever true. It is like a lingering hole that nothing can satisfy. An emptiness that you feel each day. Does it get easier? Well, define easier. Are there days where I don't have to remind myself to breathe...yes. Are there days that I make it through without a tear...yes. But it is never easier. I still can't say I've had 3 pregnancies, but 2 live births without the tears welling up; I can't say I have 2 children...I always say 3. Not a day goes by that Kade isn't the first and last thing on my mind or watch my girls play and think.."hmm, someone is missing." It just becomes a part of you and a part of your life. Life is now broken down into two time frames: before Kade and after Kade. I am so thankful and realize how blessed we are to have to healthy, vivacious little girls, and I don't EVER take that for granted, but that doesn't make the death of one child any easier. It keeps you going and you realize that you have so much to live and be strong for, but it doesn't make it easier in my opinion.

I had a dream a few weeks ago that I can't shake. I was dreaming that our shop (a much larger version of our shop by the way) had standing water, and I called to Shannon to come look. Ahead of him came 3 beautiful children running in. An older girl, a little boy, and a baby (walking). And then I wake up. I wake to realize those were my kids...Kinsley, Kade as a boy, and Karsyn-just walking instead of crawling. I am lying in bed and hear "Mommy" so I assumed Kinsley was coming to our room (which is very common in the middle of the night). I wait, but no Kinsley. I lay there and hear "Mommy" again and so I go to Kinsley's room and she is OUT...I mean sound asleep. No way was it her (the snoring made it clear she wasn't yelling out anything :)
Karsyn can't say Mommy yet...just mama in two syllables so I went back to bed very disturbed. It was on my mind the rest of the night and throughout the next day. I don't believe in much super natural crap, and I don't put much emphasis into things I can't see/feel, etc. However, the mom in me couldn't help but let myself think it was Kade. Not really a form of Kade there calling out to me, I don't mean that. But maybe a gentle nod from God letting me know he's ok...he's home and he's safe in His arms. I realize to many that will seem like a complete psychotic comment and even Shannon would think I have lost my ever loving mind, but it is things like that that can bring a smile to my heart and if that is what it takes, then I'm ok with letting myself think that way.

Journal Entry: August 30, 2007

Kade came and went August 18. Weirdest of circumstances, but Weatherford hospital discovered he no longer had a heartbeat on August 17, so we went to the city that night and began to induce labor. They continued to induce labor throughout the night and by the next afternoon, it was time. When the time came to push, I lost it. I cried and cried. Kade came pretty easily....(edit)...No crying, no whaling, it was so heartbreaking! That was the worst minutes of my entire life. It's like a piece of me died too. I buried my head in Shannon's hand and just cried. My little man was so beautiful. He had Kins' face-Shannon's build. He was so long and skinny-exact same feet as Shan. Kade was just a little over 3 lbs. and was almost 16" long...yet he seemed as big as most full term babies. He didn't seem small. He had ten perfect fingers and toes; he was perfect except for his little head. He even had dark hair and little ears that were so adorable. Bless his heart, he gave such a fight. I was so disappointed and heartbroken that I didn't get to meet him alive. I held him most of Saturday and Sunday until we went home. I sang to him and gave him kisses. The time came to leave and that was so hard, leaving him there. It was beyond terrible. I don't have the words. I don't know if I can even begin to describe the service. Monday was a blur-funeral home, etc. I just remember sitting there picking out flowers, etc and feeling like it was all a dream. Just couldn't grasp it was actually happening. Then the nightmare day came. From the time I woke up I cried and cried. The inevitable had come and I finally had to let go. First, I did everything I could to drag out that morning before the service. I just didn't want it to be time. We were late to the service, went in the wrong door, etc. Just that type of chaos. The funeral, however, was as beautiful and painful as it could be. We were surrounded in love and those that were there were our closest friends and family. I was not at all prepared for his burial. I had to have them wait and open the casket so I could see him one more time. Mom had a letter for him, so I laid that with him as well. I did not want to let go or leave. I just couldn't move. Finally Kara had to just put her arms around me and walk me to the car. It was beyond hell. It was like a piece of me stayed there and died right along with him. I know I will never be the same. I don't even remember what life was like before this.

The Last Letter....

Below is the last letter I wrote to Kade. He was buried with his letters on August 21, 2007. Since that time, I continue to write him letters and leave them at his headstone or sometimes I keep them in our "Kade box" with all the cards, etc we received after his death.

I remember hearing a story years ago of a family who lost a child and how they took pictures with him, etc and I remember being so creeped out. I honestly remember saying "I could NEVER do that!" How we should never say never. When Kade was born, there was nothing weird or gross about it. It was absolute heart break...but not at all what I had so freaked out about years ago. It was as natural as wanting to keep my other children close...I was just as proud that day as I have been on the days my other children were born. I sang to him, held him, and in the moments he was with us here on Earth, he was surrounded in complete love. Our families all stepped up and surrounded him in the same love they had all the other babies born into this family. It was the hardest thing I have ever done; leaving that hospital without him. I admit, I woke up from what little sleep I had that night in panic that I'd left our son at the hospital. I sobbed like a complete lunatic when I allowed myself to think about him being a cold freezer instead of wrapped up in a warm baby blanket in the bassinet beside us. It is unexplainable and something you have to force yourself to face and then force yourself to let go of. I can not explain the moment he was born............not hearing his cries, it was just silent. Absolute silence. Then I remember just breaking into uncontrollable sobs. Just sobs that take over your entire body. I remember burying my head in Shannon's hands and I am not sure how long I sobbed like that. When they handed Kade to me, it was the strangest sense of calm. I suddenly felt some sort of peace and I smiled at his handsome face. I was heart broken, yet so thankful all at the same time. I am so very thankful for Dr.N who cried with us, who faced an entire waitng room of friends and family at least 20+ strong and giving them the news. I am so thankful for everyone there...everyone who came into our room and never once treated him like an oddity. He was greeted with smiles, hugs, tears, and held in love. Kinsley was still so little, she wasn't sure what was going on, but she knew she was surrounded by those that love her and she was more worried about playing with Aunt Kara and Nonny than the baby. I'll never forget Aunt Suzanne and Karen helping with his hand prints and feet prints. It is just certain pieces of that weekend that stick out like bright pictures in my memory. I just remember feeling so much grace in that room. I am so thankful that while Kade was here with us, he knew nothing but love. We were so blessed with wonderful nurses and staff. Not one treated us like we were crazy, and you could see they felt our sadness. That weekend brought big storms and major flooding; we were barely able to get home. I felt like the rain if that makes sense and I remember thinking how appropriate the storms and rain were for this "occasion."
I miss Kade every day and he is the first thing on my mind in the mornings and the last at night. I will forever be grateful for our time with him, and maybe even a bit angry and sad that our time was so short. That's just part of being human I think. Sweet dreams little man.