Survival of the holidays...

So we made it through another holiday season. For some reason, this year was very hard for me...probably the hardest yet. I just really hit a rough spot in which I was just sad for days and "restless" with emotions the last few weeks. It is unexplainable really...I've just felt really down. Christmas is always a bit hard for me in that I feel an overwhelming sadness when I buy the girls gifts and not shop for Kade. I always end up shopping for tractors for him to lay at this grave. It is that time of year when you do Christmas cards, gift tags, etc and it is so hard for me not to sign Kade's name...I feel so guilty as though I am leaving him out. It is just an overwhelming rush of emotions that hits every time I sign a card or gift tag. I've had people comment that this was brought on ourselves by choosing to carry Kade and I have seriously put myself in the hotseat and thought that through. I disagree. Had we chosen to have an abortion, it would have destroyed me in that I would have spent my entire life wondering "what if" and felt so broken by our decision. This sadness would have been felt no matter what path we took. I can honestly say I have no regrets about carrying Kade to term. It was one of the greatest days of my life just as the birth of our other children was. It just also happened to be the worst/saddest at the same time. I would not change a thing about his time with us given the set circumstances....I would do it all over again if I had the chance to rethink or change our decision.

Sometimes I have to wonder why God placed this heartache on us. The whys and the anger come much more frequently now and to be quite honest, it scares me sometimes how quickly the anger and sadness can arise. I feel as though my faith is really faltering and I find myself struggling more and more. Whoever said "it gets easier with time" is not on my top 10 list right now. I WANT to believe it was all for some great, greater purpose type thing, or that we'll understand it all so clear one day, but I just don't right now. I feel so damn sad and I am just so damn angry. I close my eyes at night and just replay his birth over and over...the immense sadness of the painful silence when he was born....the realization it was all so real. it is like I am just now really grieving, just now really feeling our loss. It seems to be on Kinsley's heart as well as she talks about him a bit more and has been asking some really tough questions. She tells me almost every day that Kade is heaven and that she'll get to see him someday. She even asks me sometimes if we can go today....breaks my heart as I know she has no idea what that really means. I hope someday she understands what Kade's life meant to all of us and that she remembers the joy he brought into our hearts more than the sadness. I don't ever want it to affect her negatively. Someday we'll introduce Karsyn to Kade's resting place as well and show her pictures, tell stories, etc. and I hope she feels a connection to him as Kinsley does.


In all the mess of the sadness, I have to see the complete joy in our beautiful girls. When Kade died, I didn't think I could ever fully enjoy life again, and yet, each day with my girls is a reminder of how thankful I am to have them in my life and how thankful I am for each moment with them. It is unexplainable the joy I felt watching them Christmas morning, how my heart swells with pride as I watch Kinsley take care of her baby sister. It is that huge surge of joy watching them mixed with the sadness of knowing our son is not present for these moments that keep the emotional roller coasting going...it is so hard to feel the ups and downs and still keep functioning each and every day. It wears you out. I think that is what I most want parents who are facing this situation to know .... life does go on...you'll likely want to scream to the world "Don't you know my child has died?? How can you walk down the street, shop, work, etc???" Yet, life DOES move forward...you will feel joy again...you will breathe again....there are days where you'll feel complete sadness and moments when you feel a thousand emotions all at once. It is not easy...it is not something you go through without it completely changing you forever....but once you go through it, you'll likely realize you are stronger than you ever thought possible and that the smallest things in life become valued so much more. The little things that may have bothered you in the past suddenly seem so silly. Everyone will grieve differently and unless you are hurting others, there is no wrong or right way to grieve. I believe in my heart you have to do it your own way and you HAVE to do it. Looking back, I see that I avoided it...I immersed myself in work and now it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I've felt the sadness from day one, but I didn't get angry; I didn't let myself just be sad. I can't stress enough to let yourself feel your loss....I mean feel it to your bones, hit your knees, and feel the loss. The pain will knock the wind out of you and leave you wondering how you'll survive, but when you let yourself truly feel it, you find that you feel better for getting it all out. It sounds crazy, but I want to feel that pain sometimes...it reminds me of where I've been, it reminds me of Kade and what his life means to this family, it reminds me that I have so much love for the child I lost, and it reminds me that I still FEEL. Sometimes that numbness can be very scary and I need to know that I still feel. That raw pain reminds you that you are still part of the living.

I do not have a degree in psychology or do major research on loss, I can only explain my situation and how we've experienced our loss. I can only describe our feelings and our suggestions based on what we've learned. As stated previously, everyone has to do it their own way and you won't know that is until God forbid, you go through it. If you are reading this as part of the anencephaly support group, my thoughts are prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss and may God give you strength as you go through this very tough time. If you stumbled upon this blog in some other manner, I hope you read through it and feel the love in which it was created and cherish each day you are given with those you love....even the ho-hum ordinary ones :)