Dearest Kade,
Today your sister rubbed my belly and said "hi baby" then gave you a kiss. She knows there's a baby in there somewhere. You haven't moved much today. Maybe you're just tired-we were very busy running errands today. When Kinsley was rubbing my belly today, you kicked her her hand. It was awesome.
I am trying to keep up a brave front. It is getting harder and harder. Many people still don't know about your diagnosis and I am hoping we can keep it that way for as long as possible. People can be cruel and many of those that do know keep telling us what we should or should not do or look at us like complete aliens or something. I get it makes people uncomfortable and people don't know what to say, but I am so tired of feeling awkward around people.
I hope you wake up a bit when I lay down! I miss feeling you move!
All my love,
Mommy
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Journal Entry: June 12, 2007
Each of us has a story-a beginning, a middle, and an end. I always thought I knew my story, or that I could plan it all out. What I forgot was that God already had a plan for my life and I had forgotten to listen. Kade's story is very unique and his life very special. His began at conception, the middle through his time in the womb, and the end will be at his birth. However short his story may seem, it is the story of a life; the story of my son. Sometimes I wish I could read ahead and see how the ending plays out, then again, I don't think I want to know as I am afraid I won't enjoy the time I have left with him. This experience has taught me so much about life and about myself. I am much stronger than I knew and I realize now that life is series of events, not one long ride we sit through. It consists of choices; easy ones, tough ones, ones you embrace, ones you regret, and ones that forever change who you are and who you'll become. When the story of my life ends, I hope that it reads that I lived for my children and that as much as I'll miss this earthly life, I'll sure be in a hurry to meet that beautiful little boy waiting for me in Heaven.
Letters to Kade: June 28, 2007
Hey Little Man,
How fast this time with you is going! Honestly, the closer to your due date we get, the harder it is to accept your diagnosis. I can't imagine letting you go. Reality is beginning to get the best of me. I think of you throughout the entire 24 hours of a day. I don't think I've ever honestly wished, hoped, or prayed for anything this much in my entire life.
Kinsley is so excited to meet you and it breaks my heart for her as much as for us. I have no idea how I'll ever explain it to her. She is so little and doesn't deserve this pain either. I can't think about that or I'll go insane.
You move so much and even though you are small, you make my entire belly move when you kick. You are so active in utero just like your sister was. It's so hard to imagine you're not healthy! You seem so healthy as you move around. You are such a fighter and I am so proud of the fight you've given. You are a champion little man.
If you can-please hang on to meet us. Fight as long as you are able. When you can't fight anymore, please know it is ok to go. Mommy and Daddy don't want you to be in pain or discomfort.
I love you so, so much!
How fast this time with you is going! Honestly, the closer to your due date we get, the harder it is to accept your diagnosis. I can't imagine letting you go. Reality is beginning to get the best of me. I think of you throughout the entire 24 hours of a day. I don't think I've ever honestly wished, hoped, or prayed for anything this much in my entire life.
Kinsley is so excited to meet you and it breaks my heart for her as much as for us. I have no idea how I'll ever explain it to her. She is so little and doesn't deserve this pain either. I can't think about that or I'll go insane.
You move so much and even though you are small, you make my entire belly move when you kick. You are so active in utero just like your sister was. It's so hard to imagine you're not healthy! You seem so healthy as you move around. You are such a fighter and I am so proud of the fight you've given. You are a champion little man.
If you can-please hang on to meet us. Fight as long as you are able. When you can't fight anymore, please know it is ok to go. Mommy and Daddy don't want you to be in pain or discomfort.
I love you so, so much!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Journal Entry: June 10, 2007
His grace is sufficient for me. That is what I keep telling myself over and over. This tribulation is for a purpose and no matter what, we will always have a son. Kade Daniel Klaassen will always be our son. He will always be a part of us. He is growing so much and he moves all the time. I am so thankful for that. It makes this time so much more special. It's made me feel like I've gotten a chance to know him. He has such a personality. I am so glad. I know in all this darkness there is light. The light is God's love and grace and that Kade will be happy and healthy at the feet of God. How can I be angry or sad about that? How can I be so selfish as to deny him that? I am so glad I am carrying him. I can't imagine not seeing him, holding him, etc. I would've always wondered. some call the decision selfish, some brave. I say neither. A mother loves her child unconditionally and her instinct is to protect her children. I don't even see it as my choice. It's always been in God's hands, whether I was aware of it or not. It's insane to think how smug I was. To think we could control everything or that we can just choose when and how things in our life will take place.
Letters to Kade: June 19, 2007
Dearest Kade,
Sunday was your first Father's Day! We went to grammy and papa's. Your name was signed on each card. I hope that helps people understand that you are, and always will be, a part of this family. Just because your life expectancy is short is no reason to dismiss you as our child. Through this I have learned even the Godliest of people can be harsh and cold. I think people just don't want to understand-they are afraid to. It makes them realize that it can happen to anyone or someone they know or love.
We found out this week that there have been 2 babies in our distant families that were born with anencephaly. One from each side. No one had ever talked about it until they learned about you.
Kade-I thank God for blessing me with you every day. You have taught me so much. I know people don't understand-but you are our son. You kick, roll, and grow like any other child in the womb. A mother's instinct is to protect her child-that's what I am doing-protecting you as long as I can. In my heart I truly believe it was never my decision to continue or end your life. That is God's decision and I don't want to stand before God on judgement day and have him ask me why I killed his child.
I want to see you-hold you and tell you I love you. I need that to grieve and say goodbye. I need to know you. I can't imagine going through life wondering who you looked like,how big you are, thinking I could have one hour or one day or however long with you. I will cherish any to every minute with you-I know your daddy will too.
This morning you've moved way up to "the surface" of my belly. We could feel you completely and my whole belly was lopsided. It was awesome!
As much as I know I will miss miss miss you, I also know and cherish the fact that you'll be in a safe, joyous place as surrounded by angels. Keep up the fight sweet boy!
I love, love, love you!
Sunday was your first Father's Day! We went to grammy and papa's. Your name was signed on each card. I hope that helps people understand that you are, and always will be, a part of this family. Just because your life expectancy is short is no reason to dismiss you as our child. Through this I have learned even the Godliest of people can be harsh and cold. I think people just don't want to understand-they are afraid to. It makes them realize that it can happen to anyone or someone they know or love.
We found out this week that there have been 2 babies in our distant families that were born with anencephaly. One from each side. No one had ever talked about it until they learned about you.
Kade-I thank God for blessing me with you every day. You have taught me so much. I know people don't understand-but you are our son. You kick, roll, and grow like any other child in the womb. A mother's instinct is to protect her child-that's what I am doing-protecting you as long as I can. In my heart I truly believe it was never my decision to continue or end your life. That is God's decision and I don't want to stand before God on judgement day and have him ask me why I killed his child.
I want to see you-hold you and tell you I love you. I need that to grieve and say goodbye. I need to know you. I can't imagine going through life wondering who you looked like,how big you are, thinking I could have one hour or one day or however long with you. I will cherish any to every minute with you-I know your daddy will too.
This morning you've moved way up to "the surface" of my belly. We could feel you completely and my whole belly was lopsided. It was awesome!
As much as I know I will miss miss miss you, I also know and cherish the fact that you'll be in a safe, joyous place as surrounded by angels. Keep up the fight sweet boy!
I love, love, love you!
Friday, October 1, 2010
The Golden Rule
So we've had a situation in our family lately that has given me great perplexity (is that even a word?? We are going with it). I can't honestly say that I've always cared about repeating gossip or hurting someones feelings by repeating "information." However, after the last three years I can say I DO CARE and I can honestly say I am such a different person in that I refuse to be the one to bring pain to someone else (purposely anyway). This situation has brought on some strong emotions, yet I am trying so hard not to be THAT person. That person who talks about it, trashes the person in question, or repeats something that is of no affect to my immediate family. If this person is not hurting me, do I have the right to speak up if they are hurting a loved one? I was raised by the golden rule...my mom worked really hard to teach me that what you give out comes around four times worse...and the good you give out comes around for the better. I have learned to believe in karma. So I guess the obvious answer is to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it...darn it, I am going to try.
I wonder what it is about our human nature that makes us so interested in other's lives? Things like People magazine crack me up as why do we pay $5 to read about someones coffee preference or who they are dating this week? Really, do we care that much? I honestly feel like I've lost about 20 IQ points each time I read one of those silly gossip magazines. So silly! Maybe if we all spent that equal amount of time on our own lives, we'd have a lot less problems in the world.
Off to get some sleep-with a sick baby, I see many wake up calls thru the night tonight.
I wonder what it is about our human nature that makes us so interested in other's lives? Things like People magazine crack me up as why do we pay $5 to read about someones coffee preference or who they are dating this week? Really, do we care that much? I honestly feel like I've lost about 20 IQ points each time I read one of those silly gossip magazines. So silly! Maybe if we all spent that equal amount of time on our own lives, we'd have a lot less problems in the world.
Off to get some sleep-with a sick baby, I see many wake up calls thru the night tonight.
Letters to Kade: June 10, 2007
Sweetest Kade,
You were destined to be an athlete I think! You kick, roll, move, punch etc.most of the day and night. I am so very thankful for that! I am so thankful that you have given me a chance to get to feel you, know you, and "see" your personality in the short time we've had together. You've made this time so special-so worth the heartache of what will come later. I can't help but believe maybe God will grant us a miracle and you'll be born with a beautiful, perfect placed skull. I can live with any "disorder" or birth defect, but losing you is something I won't ever get over. No parent should have to bury their child. There are so many things I want to tell you. So many things I want to show you. More than anything-I want you to feel how much you are loved. I hope you can see from Heaven all the people that love you and will be devastated when you return to Heaven. I am so sad that I won't get a chance to share an earthly life with you, but I will also rejoice in the fact that you will be safe, healthy, and forever my son at the hands of God. I am so thankful you are my son. I am so thankful God blessed me with you-no matter how long we have together. You are so very special to me and our family. Always know that mommy loves you sweet boy.
xoxoxo,
mommy
You were destined to be an athlete I think! You kick, roll, move, punch etc.most of the day and night. I am so very thankful for that! I am so thankful that you have given me a chance to get to feel you, know you, and "see" your personality in the short time we've had together. You've made this time so special-so worth the heartache of what will come later. I can't help but believe maybe God will grant us a miracle and you'll be born with a beautiful, perfect placed skull. I can live with any "disorder" or birth defect, but losing you is something I won't ever get over. No parent should have to bury their child. There are so many things I want to tell you. So many things I want to show you. More than anything-I want you to feel how much you are loved. I hope you can see from Heaven all the people that love you and will be devastated when you return to Heaven. I am so sad that I won't get a chance to share an earthly life with you, but I will also rejoice in the fact that you will be safe, healthy, and forever my son at the hands of God. I am so thankful you are my son. I am so thankful God blessed me with you-no matter how long we have together. You are so very special to me and our family. Always know that mommy loves you sweet boy.
xoxoxo,
mommy
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