Letters to Kade: June 19, 2007

Dearest Kade,
Sunday was your first Father's Day! We went to grammy and papa's. Your name was signed on each card. I hope that helps people understand that you are, and always will be, a part of this family. Just because your life expectancy is short is no reason to dismiss you as our child. Through this I have learned even the Godliest of people can be harsh and cold. I think people just don't want to understand-they are afraid to. It makes them realize that it can happen to anyone or someone they know or love.
We found out this week that there have been 2 babies in our distant families that were born with anencephaly. One from each side. No one had ever talked about it until they learned about you.

Kade-I thank God for blessing me with you every day. You have taught me so much. I know people don't understand-but you are our son. You kick, roll, and grow like any other child in the womb. A mother's instinct is to protect her child-that's what I am doing-protecting you as long as I can. In my heart I truly believe it was never my decision to continue or end your life. That is God's decision and I don't want to stand before God on judgement day and have him ask me why I killed his child.

I want to see you-hold you and tell you I love you. I need that to grieve and say goodbye. I need to know you. I can't imagine going through life wondering who you looked like,how big you are, thinking I could have one hour or one day or however long with you. I will cherish any to every minute with you-I know your daddy will too.

This morning you've moved way up to "the surface" of my belly. We could feel you completely and my whole belly was lopsided. It was awesome!

As much as I know I will miss miss miss you, I also know and cherish the fact that you'll be in a safe, joyous place as surrounded by angels. Keep up the fight sweet boy!

I love, love, love you!