Journal Entry: June 28, 2007

The days keep getting harder. My body is exhausted; mentally and physically. I'm just so sad and tired. I just feel helpless. I feel so guilty in that a woman's body is meant to carry a baby-how can my body allow some unexplainable birth defect to hurt our baby? I just want all of this to be a nightmare or some horrible medical mistake. This can't be real. The closer to his due date-the harder and harder it gets. I'm trying so hard to stick to faith and believe in the power of His word. It's such a struggle. It's so hard to believe Kade's unhealthy. He moves so much and seems so active and healthy. I can only pray I'll get to meet Kade alive. Please Lord let me meet him alive. I want to hold him, hold his little hand and tell him how much we love him. I can't wait to sing to him. I'm having a very hard time accepting this outcome or that I'm going to leave the hospital without him. How do I burr our son? How do I let go? I know he is God's child, that I was never guaranteed any time with him, but I still can't see how I am to do this. I worry about Kade suffering-I can't stand the thought of that. From what I've read and researched, some anencephalic babies have seizures prior to death and that thought just devastates me. I want to know my Kade alive and pray he's alive long enough for us to know him, but not if that means he has to suffer. I couldn't take watching him in pain. I never knew I could hurt this much or really understood the term broken hearted. This is true pain-true sadness. Then the flip side is enjoying Kinsley and not letting this affect her or her little world. She is so fun and she is what keeps me going everyday. She is my lifeline.