Journal Entry: July 14, 2007

Kade has moved a lot today. I am so blessed to be his mother...I try to repeat that over and over and hopefully I'll convince myself that I truly am rejoicing in the positive rather than dwell in the negative that is about to slam down on us. I am so thankful he is active and strong. He's really putting up a fight. God bless his little heart. I am so ready to see him on an ultrasound again and see how big he's gotten. I'm not ready to let him go. The closer it gets, the more I am losing it little by little. I'm scared and a lot sad-and desperately wishing the outcome were different. I want to see him, love him, hold him, touch his little fingers and toes. But what if I can't let him go? How do I say goodbye? I know I'll see him in Heaven some day, but it's getting so hard to find reasoning in that. I know I should rejoice in that he'll be with God and that God chose me for this task, but I'm just not there. I don't know how to get through this. I don't know where to begin or how to prepare to say goodbye. People keep telling me there is a reason, that this is all part of a "bigger plan" God has for us. I honestly want to slap the next person who says that to me. I know that sounds awful....I just can't help it. For one, I can't fathom a loving Father would put their child through this. Pain isn't the right word.....there is nothing to compare it to or words to express what it feels like. The only way to understand the hurt is to live it and I wish that on no one. The scariest part is we haven't even come to the hardest part yet. This is just the beginning of a very long road.

My dearest friend...if you only knew how you've carried me through this. I am stronger and able to smile because of you. I know you see my pain and anguish when everyone else sees my smiles. You will never know how you've helped me live through this. I know you don't understand my decision, yet I also know you've respected it and supported me through it. I love you dearest friend...although I may not say it.

***10/13/10 You know who you are dearest friend. Apparently, it was on my heart to write this at the time, although, I am sure I never said the words to you. You've always been my rock and I love you to the moon :) Aunt Kimmy would sure be proud of the person you are today; as we all are!