I am trying to "pick out" songs for Kade's funeral and my mind is just reeling. Is this real? Is this really happening? How do I let my baby go? How do I lay him in some box and walk away? I can't do it-I know I can't. I am trying so hard to continue to find peace and be accepting to his journey with God, but I am struggling. He is my son-my sweet Kade. I already love him beyond words. I feel so scared and although I'm not, I feel so alone. I cry myself to sleep every night...but I am the only one who knows that.
Kade is growing and I can tell by how I carry him that he is in a very odd position. His heartbeat continues to be strong at our weekly doctor visits, so hopefully he is doing well. I am so swollen from the fluid that I simply don't think I can stretch any more. There is only so much a body can take and this pregnancy has really tested mine. I am not sure which is going to give out first-my heart or my body. I feel as though I have aged fifty years in the last few months. I am no longer young and carefree...this experience had completely changed me and I see that more and more each day. I hope that when all is said and done, I still have a glimpse of the girl I used to know.
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