Journal Entry: August 15, 2007

Shannon finished building Kade's casket today. He is now staining it and he even bought the fabric to go inside it. I tried really hard not to cry, but you better believe I had a good one the minute I was alone. It's all becoming so real today and each day as the due date comes closer. It just gets harder and harder. I can no longer imagine what the delivery, spending time with Kade, and his death will be like. I hate that word. I HATE it! It's so hard to comprehend all this-I find myself getting angry all over again. And sad..sad is not even the word. Devastated, heart broken-all these life changing words in one. I just don't know how I'll let him go alone to some dark, cold, lonely place. How do I go home without him? Leaving the hospital without my baby is unimaginable...much less when you know the next step is a funeral home and grave. I just never imagined this could happen to me. I want to be so thankful for my beautiful daughter, our family, etc. but I also can't help feeling sorrow for this unimaginable loss. Is that wrong? I have never wanted anything more in my life than these children. Never could I be anything more important than a mother. I would give anything to heal Kade. I have never felt so helpless in my life.