Hmmm....decided to try something new today. Fits the current mood. You know those moments when you hear something and it just sticks? I'll have those little moments and it will send me in to think tank mode for the rest of the day. Being a little stubborn and a lot guarded, I tend to play a lot of things out in my head. Here's the play of the day: a friend sent me the video to Casting Crown's "Love them like Jesus" and in the video there's a line where the lead singer says " You can say what you think, but you'll live what you believe." I listened 3 more times. Wrote it on a post it an moved on about my morning. All the while, this quote is in the back of my mind. The lyrics play over and over in my head. How many of us have known a loved one, a friend, or a complete stranger going through trauma in their life and sit back without saying a word because we don't know what to say? I'm guilty. I've lost a child, yet I've watched other couples go through the same thing and don't say a word....I just don't have the words. I feel in my heart that there are no words to make the pain easier so I say nothing. In my darkest hour, I felt so alone and so abandoned by many people. Some of the people that lifted me up were people I hadn't always been close to...they circled around us when they know we needed them. It is amazing to me the people who came to our aid and sent such kind words when Kade died. People I hadn't seen in 10 years reached out. In those moments, I realized that I could believe in people. Maybe not all, but for the most part, people are worth giving a chance. So why is it so hard for me to do that for others? Loving them like Jesus is something most of us say we do or want to do, but rarely do we live that. For me, it has always been much easier to say than to do.
As I played that quote over in my head, it is kind of like a brick wall tumbled down on me. I've never had any trouble saying what I think....I call it opinionated, some would call it bitchy. Either way, I've always spoken my mind and judged others based on what I said I'd believed. Kind of a dose of reality to think that my life reflects what I believe. It is like that constant conflictedness you feel when you make tough decisions. Oh, to only have the crystal ball that would help us see the outcomes of our decisions. I am just as guilty for doing to others what I have so blasted people for doing to me. To live my life each day to reflect the beliefs I hold will be a true challenge. May sound silly-daily life isn't so dramatic. However, those times when you are innocently "gossiping" about someone....do I really want Kinsley to over hear that and think it is ok? Or...when I tell that little white lie about being busy so I don't have to commit to a social engagement......again, all she will see is that I am lying, not the silly reasoning behind it. Sometimes those little things add up. They add up to how we are seen by other people, and more importantly, how we see ourselves. For the most part, I think we all want the same thing: to be loved and respected for who we are; we're all trying to do the best we can to be super moms, super wives, super employees, and super everything else's (and yes, I realize that is not a word)!!!