This afternoon Kinlsey and I went to see a friend and her new baby boy. I handled it a lot better than I expected to. He is so cute and so tiny. I held him and Kinsley kissed him. I didn't tear up until we got in the truck-but I did not fall apart. I am making progress.
I also realized that I am so blessed. If I do nothing else in my life, I have been a mother and have loved my daughter and my son with all my heart. My son has a purpose-a purpose I believe is to teach me compassion, grace, humility, and of God's love. Kade's taught me so much in his short little life.
I am starting to wonder if I am ready for what is to come; if you can ever be ready. I am dreading what lies ahead and have no idea what to expect. I am scared. What if I can't do it? What if I totally lose it when it comes time for the funeral? I feel like I am walking into a really large tunnel and I have no idea if I'll ever come out of the other side. I make it through the days ok, but nights are the worst. When the lights go out is when I realize how afraid and alone I feel. One thing I know with complete confidence is that if I survive this, I can survive anything.
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