Remembering Kade

Tonight the 2011 Kade Daniel Klaassen Memorial Scholarship was presented to a very deserving young man, and while it fills me full of pride and joy that his memory lives on, it is also devastating to be reminded of our loss. It is so bitter sweet that while the scholarship helps someone move forward in their education, it is also a reminder of what our son will never get the chance to do. As a parent, the hopes and dreams you create for your child begin at conception. From the moment I knew Kade existed, I had thoughts and hopes of who he'd be someday, who he'd be. Even after his death, those hopes and dreams linger. It took me a long time to let go of those feelings, to let go of Kade. I spent a lot of time at the cemetery each day in the months following his death...I was in shock. It was like I had to see his stone to convince myself it was all real. For months, I was sad, numb, shocked, and yet in so much pain it hurt to go to bed, hurt to get out of bed, hurt to breathe. I wish I could say it's gotten easier...I guess some days, it is...but most of the time I am just sad and angry. I miss him so much. I hurt for what could have been and I hurt for all Kade is missing out on. He deserved so much more than the short time he had with us. He deserved to have all the things we wished for him and more.

Karsyn has begun to say "Bubba" when we go to the cemetery and Kinsley is very good to explain it all to her. Again, so bitter sweet. It is in those moments that I feel so blessed to have been able to carry Kade to term. Our girls know they have a brother, they will carry on that legacy, they will tell their kids of his life someday. On the days I want to scream at the world for carrying on as if nothings happened, I am reminded of how truly blessed we are. It is that ability to carry on that makes us stronger, that makes us realize that all the petty small stuff is so mundane. It is the moments like Kinsley kissing bubba's stone goodbye that matter...those moments that make me realize this is what life is about. I am thankful for Kade's life, thankful for my time with him, however short. While I am sad, hurt, and broken, I am also so thankful for the moments we were able to hold him, sing to him, and just love him. I will love him all the days of my life and hope that his spirit lives on in those who shared in his life with us.