With a heavy heart...

So I think I have diagnosed myself as a hesitant blogger....I get so inside my own head that I have to get it out or I am going to go insane. However, I also tread lightly when opening up my complete emotional self to my computer. Totally more of how I complicate even the simplest of things. However complicated I may be, I feel as though I've totally earned that right these last few years.

For Christmas, gifts we took some family pictures and it was actually really nice to see all the kids together. It was also very hard for me and it honestly had not occurred to me that it would be. However, the entire time, I kept thinking in my head "We are missing one...no, these are not all the grand kids...wait, no those are just 3 of the boys, there should be 4." I tried and tried to push those thoughts out of my head, but that night as I lay in bed, it played over and over in my head that our son should have been there. And then came the anger. I notice it creeping up to the surface more and more these days. It swallows me whole and most of the time I don't even see it coming. After Kade died, I poured myself into work. I became a work-a-holic and let that be my obsession and distraction. I am now realizing I never took the time to grieve or let myself feel the other emotions outside of sadness. Now, it has built up so much that I catch myself being angry at the smallest things: tv shows of idiotic parents (ahem....16 and Pregnant??), the news when a story of abused children comes on, and these stories will bother me for the rest of the evening. With a very heavy heart, I must also admit that I have began an internal struggle with how I am so angry with God. I had so much faith and hope through this process and I found so much comfort in His word through our loss. But lately, I don't find that comfort any longer. I feel as though God took everything we believed and broke us completely. I realize we are far from perfect or the poster children for religion...but I also know with everything in me that we are good people. We didn't deserve to lose that security or belief in the world. I don't know what would justify "deserving" to lose a child...I don't mean that. It is so complicated to explain; I guess I just feel so hurt, betrayed, and just plain anger that we lost Kade and that we now live half empty or half broken. I am angry that my girls will not ever know their brother, that they have to try to comprehend his death at such a young age, that Kinsley cries because she misses her brother or because she can't see him. I feel so guilty for feeling angry and then I get angry that I feel guilty for being angry. Some days I just feel sad. Some days are days I spend angry. Most of the time, I am reminding myself of all we have to be so thankful for. In those moments when I watch my girls play or snuggle, I should know God loves us. How can we look at those beautiful babies and have doubts? I know eventually we'll get back to that place of finding peace in the faith we so clung to. It will come. For now though, I have to feel these emotions, feel the grief, and let myself find whatever it is I need to find to bring myself out of this feeling of unsettledness. I am a fighter...that's always been a part of me...and that is what my girls need to see in me. I fight for them. I fight for all the moms out there who feel the pain I feel and wonder how to muddle through it while keeping up with work, family, and life in general. I also have learned I have to fight for myself...no one else can do that for me.

Kinsley has really been inquisitive this week into facts about Kade's death. She has the usual whys, but also the fears of Karsyn going to Heaven, the need for more in depth details, and she has been looking at his picture albums more and more. Sometimes I have to remind myself that she's just 4. She always, and I mean always, says "Hi Bubba" as we pass the cemetery. Usually it followed with "we love you." And I don't do that...she didn't get that or over hear that from me. It touches a place in my heart that nothing else could. In those moments, I am reminded of how proud I am of her and how many lessons I have to learn from her.

Thankful......

Ah, the beginning of the holiday season. As much as I welcome and enjoy this extra time with my family, it is also a bit hard to put my entire heart into it. While I am extremely thankful for each blessing in our lives, it is hard to fully commit to the whole thankful thing. I'd be lying if I said that I sit around the table and think about all the things I am grateful for. I can't help but find myself thinking "there should be a little boy here" or "we are missing someone." I feel so guilty that I allow myself to fall into that bit of sadness rather than rejoicing in the faces we do have around the table, however, it is just there and falls upon me before I even have a chance to realize it. Our minds are funny things sometimes and the more I experience, the more I think mine follows my heart. When my heart hurts, my thoughts tend to follow. As I watched the girls play at a Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday, I felt like a part of me was missing, that I just was not fully engaged in the event. I have a hard time explaining the feelings that well up...much less the mixed emotions of what follows when I catch myself being so down. I have been told numerous times to enjoy what "I have," "rejoice in the good," ,etc. and I get it, however, it rarely comes from someone who's experienced what we have. As a mother who has lost a child, I don't think it is possible to fully commit to the holiday season without a bit of sadness or loss....and it's not that I don't appreciate my other children, I truly believe you can do both. You can be sad for what you've lost and you can be joyful for your blessings all in the same breath. In all aspects of my faith, I believe in my heart God understands this. I am confident He knows my heart and knows how I love my children and how I grateful I am for each minute I get to share with them (yes, even those moments when I am hiding in the bathroom looking for just a few seconds of "mom" time)...and that He understands the hurt and feelings of loss I experience when that heartbreak begins to win over. He created us to feel, to sympathize, to care for others, so I have to believe He allows us those emotions when the pain affects our own. I know we'll sit around the table Thursday and share what we are thankful for, with thankful hearts; that Kinsley will say she is thankful for bubba and Karsyn (she always does) and pogo sticks (that is a new on this year) and that that will bring on the tears, but they'll tears shared with a smile in that Kade will be remembered and will be a part of the celebration in our hearts, minds, and souls.

Just Breathe

I often hear people say "Time heals all wounds" and I truly wish I could agree...however, it is not true for me. I know why people say it and it is meant to make you feel better in a moment of heartache...and I guess in some situations it does heal some wounds. For a parent who has lost a child, however, I don't think that is ever true. It is like a lingering hole that nothing can satisfy. An emptiness that you feel each day. Does it get easier? Well, define easier. Are there days where I don't have to remind myself to breathe...yes. Are there days that I make it through without a tear...yes. But it is never easier. I still can't say I've had 3 pregnancies, but 2 live births without the tears welling up; I can't say I have 2 children...I always say 3. Not a day goes by that Kade isn't the first and last thing on my mind or watch my girls play and think.."hmm, someone is missing." It just becomes a part of you and a part of your life. Life is now broken down into two time frames: before Kade and after Kade. I am so thankful and realize how blessed we are to have to healthy, vivacious little girls, and I don't EVER take that for granted, but that doesn't make the death of one child any easier. It keeps you going and you realize that you have so much to live and be strong for, but it doesn't make it easier in my opinion.

I had a dream a few weeks ago that I can't shake. I was dreaming that our shop (a much larger version of our shop by the way) had standing water, and I called to Shannon to come look. Ahead of him came 3 beautiful children running in. An older girl, a little boy, and a baby (walking). And then I wake up. I wake to realize those were my kids...Kinsley, Kade as a boy, and Karsyn-just walking instead of crawling. I am lying in bed and hear "Mommy" so I assumed Kinsley was coming to our room (which is very common in the middle of the night). I wait, but no Kinsley. I lay there and hear "Mommy" again and so I go to Kinsley's room and she is OUT...I mean sound asleep. No way was it her (the snoring made it clear she wasn't yelling out anything :)
Karsyn can't say Mommy yet...just mama in two syllables so I went back to bed very disturbed. It was on my mind the rest of the night and throughout the next day. I don't believe in much super natural crap, and I don't put much emphasis into things I can't see/feel, etc. However, the mom in me couldn't help but let myself think it was Kade. Not really a form of Kade there calling out to me, I don't mean that. But maybe a gentle nod from God letting me know he's ok...he's home and he's safe in His arms. I realize to many that will seem like a complete psychotic comment and even Shannon would think I have lost my ever loving mind, but it is things like that that can bring a smile to my heart and if that is what it takes, then I'm ok with letting myself think that way.

Journal Entry: August 30, 2007

Kade came and went August 18. Weirdest of circumstances, but Weatherford hospital discovered he no longer had a heartbeat on August 17, so we went to the city that night and began to induce labor. They continued to induce labor throughout the night and by the next afternoon, it was time. When the time came to push, I lost it. I cried and cried. Kade came pretty easily....(edit)...No crying, no whaling, it was so heartbreaking! That was the worst minutes of my entire life. It's like a piece of me died too. I buried my head in Shannon's hand and just cried. My little man was so beautiful. He had Kins' face-Shannon's build. He was so long and skinny-exact same feet as Shan. Kade was just a little over 3 lbs. and was almost 16" long...yet he seemed as big as most full term babies. He didn't seem small. He had ten perfect fingers and toes; he was perfect except for his little head. He even had dark hair and little ears that were so adorable. Bless his heart, he gave such a fight. I was so disappointed and heartbroken that I didn't get to meet him alive. I held him most of Saturday and Sunday until we went home. I sang to him and gave him kisses. The time came to leave and that was so hard, leaving him there. It was beyond terrible. I don't have the words. I don't know if I can even begin to describe the service. Monday was a blur-funeral home, etc. I just remember sitting there picking out flowers, etc and feeling like it was all a dream. Just couldn't grasp it was actually happening. Then the nightmare day came. From the time I woke up I cried and cried. The inevitable had come and I finally had to let go. First, I did everything I could to drag out that morning before the service. I just didn't want it to be time. We were late to the service, went in the wrong door, etc. Just that type of chaos. The funeral, however, was as beautiful and painful as it could be. We were surrounded in love and those that were there were our closest friends and family. I was not at all prepared for his burial. I had to have them wait and open the casket so I could see him one more time. Mom had a letter for him, so I laid that with him as well. I did not want to let go or leave. I just couldn't move. Finally Kara had to just put her arms around me and walk me to the car. It was beyond hell. It was like a piece of me stayed there and died right along with him. I know I will never be the same. I don't even remember what life was like before this.

The Last Letter....

Below is the last letter I wrote to Kade. He was buried with his letters on August 21, 2007. Since that time, I continue to write him letters and leave them at his headstone or sometimes I keep them in our "Kade box" with all the cards, etc we received after his death.

I remember hearing a story years ago of a family who lost a child and how they took pictures with him, etc and I remember being so creeped out. I honestly remember saying "I could NEVER do that!" How we should never say never. When Kade was born, there was nothing weird or gross about it. It was absolute heart break...but not at all what I had so freaked out about years ago. It was as natural as wanting to keep my other children close...I was just as proud that day as I have been on the days my other children were born. I sang to him, held him, and in the moments he was with us here on Earth, he was surrounded in complete love. Our families all stepped up and surrounded him in the same love they had all the other babies born into this family. It was the hardest thing I have ever done; leaving that hospital without him. I admit, I woke up from what little sleep I had that night in panic that I'd left our son at the hospital. I sobbed like a complete lunatic when I allowed myself to think about him being a cold freezer instead of wrapped up in a warm baby blanket in the bassinet beside us. It is unexplainable and something you have to force yourself to face and then force yourself to let go of. I can not explain the moment he was born............not hearing his cries, it was just silent. Absolute silence. Then I remember just breaking into uncontrollable sobs. Just sobs that take over your entire body. I remember burying my head in Shannon's hands and I am not sure how long I sobbed like that. When they handed Kade to me, it was the strangest sense of calm. I suddenly felt some sort of peace and I smiled at his handsome face. I was heart broken, yet so thankful all at the same time. I am so very thankful for Dr.N who cried with us, who faced an entire waitng room of friends and family at least 20+ strong and giving them the news. I am so thankful for everyone there...everyone who came into our room and never once treated him like an oddity. He was greeted with smiles, hugs, tears, and held in love. Kinsley was still so little, she wasn't sure what was going on, but she knew she was surrounded by those that love her and she was more worried about playing with Aunt Kara and Nonny than the baby. I'll never forget Aunt Suzanne and Karen helping with his hand prints and feet prints. It is just certain pieces of that weekend that stick out like bright pictures in my memory. I just remember feeling so much grace in that room. I am so thankful that while Kade was here with us, he knew nothing but love. We were so blessed with wonderful nurses and staff. Not one treated us like we were crazy, and you could see they felt our sadness. That weekend brought big storms and major flooding; we were barely able to get home. I felt like the rain if that makes sense and I remember thinking how appropriate the storms and rain were for this "occasion."
I miss Kade every day and he is the first thing on my mind in the mornings and the last at night. I will forever be grateful for our time with him, and maybe even a bit angry and sad that our time was so short. That's just part of being human I think. Sweet dreams little man.

Letters to Kade: August 19, 2007

Dearest Kade,
We learned Friday that you had already gone to God so we went to the hospital to begin delivery. I was in labor that night and through the next day. When the time came to begin pushing, I just lost it. It suddenly hit me that this was it...I was going to have to let you go and there was just no way I was ready. The months of hoping and praying for a miracle had come to an end. It was time. The delivery was not the easiest, but not too rough. You are so beautiful! You are tiny...just 3 pounds. You look like Kinsley in the face with those round little cheeks. You have a very long, skinny little body and built just like your daddy. You are so perfect-your little head is the only thing that was not absolutely perfect. You have beautiful, long little fingers and cute, fat flat feet just like daddy's. I held you most of the day yesterday and kissed your little face. We took pictures of you and you with the family. I knew the minute I saw you that I was so thankful that I got the chance to meet you. You are so much worth the pain. I just can't explain how much I love you and how grateful I am to be your mommy. You are a beautiful child-such a blessing. You are so tiny and amazing...it's so hard to understand how you couldn't live when everything about you seemed so perfect. As hard and painful as it is, it will never change that I have loved you more than life itself for the last nine months and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I am not ready to say goodbye yet and I won't say those words until we lay you down for the last time. I know today I will hold you and love you and leaving you will be the hardest thing I have ever done.
I love you baby. I am so grateful for your beautiful face, spirit, and the amazing fight you gave to live.
Love Always,
Mommy

Miracles Can Happen.....

I subscribe to a post about Victoria, a little girl diagnosed with acrania, who has survived beyond all expectations. From this post, I was linked to a family who delivered a beautiful little girl with anencephaly. Baby Marsela lived for 1 year and 8 months with anencephaly...this is absolutely unheard of and nothing short of the grace of God. Marsela recognized her mother, her mother's voice, was weary of strangers and loud noises. I am not a scientific person, nor do I debate into too many things concerning the life/science debate. However, when I watched Marsela's story, it brought life to so many thoughts and ideas we had about Kade. When the specialist told us we'd be better off aborting, that he could never think or feel things...I understand the science behind his argument. It has taken me years, but I do see why he chooses to look at children as "cases" or as a "fetus." I can't imagine doing what he does everyday and the emotional toll that must take on someone. However, I always felt in my heart that Kade was living and full of life inside me. How can you watch a child sucking his thumb or kicking you inutero and not feel that? Through Marsela's story, I found justification of those feelings and it just reinforced my belief in the choices we made to carry Kade to term. They had almost two years with their beautiful daughter. I'm in no way idealizing those two years-I am sure they were difficult, that Marsela required around the clock full time care, that watching her sick and weak at times was heartbreaking and tough beyond imagination. However, they also loved that little girl with all they had and made the very best they could of the time God gave them with her and I admire them so much for that. How proud God must have been to watch them love His child and protect her all they could for the time they were blessed to have.
I have been angry at God for a long time now. I prayed with all my might that we'd get to meet Kade alive. I was devastated and so lost when Kade was born still. However, as I watched Marsela's story, I suddenly realized God knew what he was doing. I barely survived losing Kade; honestly, there are days I am not sure I have. Had I had any more time with him or cared for him in the hospital, I am sure I would have lost my mind in the following months of his death. His death was the hardest thing I have ever endured and I know in my heart that any more time with him, or watching him fight the common illnesses or heart problems found in babies with birth defects would have been impossible for me. The heartache would have been unbearable. Maybe God knew we were fragile; that we could not handle anymore than what we were already going through. I honestly don't know and will likely never understand all the workings of life and why things happen the way they do. I do know that I found so much hope and love in this story. Why don't we hear stories like this in the news rather than some stupid report on another famous person who's lost their mind??? Makes me so sad that it is crap like that that makes headlines (and helps no one), when there are stories like Marcela's that could help so many people struggling through similar situations.

Letters to Kade: August 15, 2007

Sweet Kade,
You have been pretty still today. You've been in the same position for a week or so now. You stick out really far on my left side and our very far on my right front. I look hilarious! You go right up into my ribs and roll around.

Daddy built your casket and it is beautiful. Seems odd to say beautiful for such an awful situation, but there is so much love in that casket, that you can't help but see the beauty in it. A part of his heart is ingrained in that wood and I know he put his entire heart into creating it.

As your due date draws near, I cherish each and every day with you more and more. I am thankful I've shared this time with you. I am so thankful God blessed me with you-even if you can't stay with me long. You've changed me and my life forever and all for the better.

I know when you get to Heaven you'll be with so many people who also already love you and I know you'll be watching over us. I hope I make you proud and I hope you see everyday how much you are loved and missed. Mommy will be so sad to let you go, but I will rejoice in the thought of you sitting at the feet of the Lord, that you'll hear me when I pray, and that you'll be waiting for me on my judgement day.

I will do all I can and be all I can so that I can be with you in Heaven some day. I wonder often what you'll look like-will you be the baby I love so much or do you grow in Heaven?

I am really struggling with letting you go-I am still so sad and even angry. I know that it will be so much worse when you are born and I see you, hold you, and get to grow attached in whatever time we have you here on earth. I can't even say or write the rest. I can't. It makes it too real.

I love you so much sweet boy and I am so, so sorry I couldn't protect you from this. I'd take your place any day to let you live the life you deserve. I'd give the world to save you.

I love you baby! I love you so, so much!

Goodnight sweet baby!
xoxoxoxo,
Mommy

Journal Entry: August 15, 2007

Shannon finished building Kade's casket today. He is now staining it and he even bought the fabric to go inside it. I tried really hard not to cry, but you better believe I had a good one the minute I was alone. It's all becoming so real today and each day as the due date comes closer. It just gets harder and harder. I can no longer imagine what the delivery, spending time with Kade, and his death will be like. I hate that word. I HATE it! It's so hard to comprehend all this-I find myself getting angry all over again. And sad..sad is not even the word. Devastated, heart broken-all these life changing words in one. I just don't know how I'll let him go alone to some dark, cold, lonely place. How do I go home without him? Leaving the hospital without my baby is unimaginable...much less when you know the next step is a funeral home and grave. I just never imagined this could happen to me. I want to be so thankful for my beautiful daughter, our family, etc. but I also can't help feeling sorrow for this unimaginable loss. Is that wrong? I have never wanted anything more in my life than these children. Never could I be anything more important than a mother. I would give anything to heal Kade. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

Letters to Kade: August 13, 2007

Dearest Kade,
The doctor says one more week! You don't kick me much anymore, but your heartbeat was still really good today. You are definitely growing as you fill my entire basketball of a belly. I miss how active you were. You are such a blessing and I hope you can feel how much you are loved! I can't wait to sing to you and hold your little fingers. I hope you recognize my voice. I know Kinsley will love getting to hold you and give you kisses. I hope someday she can understand all of this. I am sure she will forever cherish this time with you. Whatever happens little man, you are loved, you are cherished and you are very much already part of this family. We love you to the moon sweet boy!
xoxoxox,
mommy

Letters to Kade: August 10, 2007

Dear Sweet Son,
I guess now there is no disillusioning myself to the fact that our time together here on earth is getting shorter. As I write, the lines are blurry as the tears just keep falling. I am not ready to let go or say goodbye. I am so scared. I am trying to decide on songs for your funeral and it breaks my heart so desperately that all of this is real. I am your mommy and no mommy should have to say goodbye so fast. Nine months just isn't enough. Please know that you are very much loved, wanted, and I cherish this time so much. I am so proud to be your mommy little man. You have no idea how proud of you I am. You have shown more strength and courage in this short time than I have in my entire life.

I love you so much little man.

love, xoxoxo
mommy

Journal Entry: August 6, 2007

I am trying to "pick out" songs for Kade's funeral and my mind is just reeling. Is this real? Is this really happening? How do I let my baby go? How do I lay him in some box and walk away? I can't do it-I know I can't. I am trying so hard to continue to find peace and be accepting to his journey with God, but I am struggling. He is my son-my sweet Kade. I already love him beyond words. I feel so scared and although I'm not, I feel so alone. I cry myself to sleep every night...but I am the only one who knows that.
Kade is growing and I can tell by how I carry him that he is in a very odd position. His heartbeat continues to be strong at our weekly doctor visits, so hopefully he is doing well. I am so swollen from the fluid that I simply don't think I can stretch any more. There is only so much a body can take and this pregnancy has really tested mine. I am not sure which is going to give out first-my heart or my body. I feel as though I have aged fifty years in the last few months. I am no longer young and carefree...this experience had completely changed me and I see that more and more each day. I hope that when all is said and done, I still have a glimpse of the girl I used to know.

Letters to Kade: August 5, 2007

Dearest Kade,
I just simply want to tell you that I love you! I love you with all my heart and soul.
Love, Mommy

Journal Entry: August 1, 2007

Each day is getting a little harder emotionally and physically. I just feel like I can not stretch anymore and the pain is almost unbearable at times. Kinsley and I did maternity pictures today and they turned out really sweet. She is growing so fast-it's just unbelievable. She brings so much joy to my life each day and I constantly wonder how I've been so blessed. Kade is growing and he is still pretty active. As hard as it is and as much as I'm dreading what is to come, I am also so excited to meet our son. I know no matter what, he'll be beautiful and perfect to me. I am so exhausted that I keep falling asleep as I try to write. It's all definitely beginning to take it's toll and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going.

Letters to Kade: August 1, 2007

My Sweet Boy,
You are growing and starting to make your way down. Mommy feels like she has a basketball in her tummy! I felt your knee or elbow sticking out tonight and it was amazing! I really hope to have another ultrasound soon-I want to see you! We took maternity pictures with you today. Kinsley kissed my belly and gave you lots of "loving" as she calls it. We made arrangements to have a photographer at the hospital...not sure how I feel about it other than I know I am elated that I'll have pictures of you after the craziness passes.
Family and friends have been researching anencephaly so that they'll better understand your birth defect and know what to expect when the time comes. Nothing could mean more to me than them trying to understand. I think it is also important they know what to expect if they plan on being at the hospital. None of us know what to expect, but I'd rather us know somewhat what to expect than be blindsided.
I love you so much my boy! You will always be my little boy and to me, you are perfect! I know you'll be in God's arms, but I am also very sad that you won't be in mine. I'm just not ready to let you go.

See you soon sweet boy! All Mommy's love....

Hmmm....decided to try something new today. Fits the current mood. You know those moments when you hear something and it just sticks? I'll have those little moments and it will send me in to think tank mode for the rest of the day. Being a little stubborn and a lot guarded, I tend to play a lot of things out in my head. Here's the play of the day: a friend sent me the video to Casting Crown's "Love them like Jesus" and in the video there's a line where the lead singer says " You can say what you think, but you'll live what you believe." I listened 3 more times. Wrote it on a post it an moved on about my morning. All the while, this quote is in the back of my mind. The lyrics play over and over in my head. How many of us have known a loved one, a friend, or a complete stranger going through trauma in their life and sit back without saying a word because we don't know what to say? I'm guilty. I've lost a child, yet I've watched other couples go through the same thing and don't say a word....I just don't have the words. I feel in my heart that there are no words to make the pain easier so I say nothing. In my darkest hour, I felt so alone and so abandoned by many people. Some of the people that lifted me up were people I hadn't always been close to...they circled around us when they know we needed them. It is amazing to me the people who came to our aid and sent such kind words when Kade died. People I hadn't seen in 10 years reached out. In those moments, I realized that I could believe in people. Maybe not all, but for the most part, people are worth giving a chance. So why is it so hard for me to do that for others? Loving them like Jesus is something most of us say we do or want to do, but rarely do we live that. For me, it has always been much easier to say than to do.
As I played that quote over in my head, it is kind of like a brick wall tumbled down on me. I've never had any trouble saying what I think....I call it opinionated, some would call it bitchy. Either way, I've always spoken my mind and judged others based on what I said I'd believed. Kind of a dose of reality to think that my life reflects what I believe. It is like that constant conflictedness you feel when you make tough decisions. Oh, to only have the crystal ball that would help us see the outcomes of our decisions. I am just as guilty for doing to others what I have so blasted people for doing to me. To live my life each day to reflect the beliefs I hold will be a true challenge. May sound silly-daily life isn't so dramatic. However, those times when you are innocently "gossiping" about someone....do I really want Kinsley to over hear that and think it is ok? Or...when I tell that little white lie about being busy so I don't have to commit to a social engagement......again, all she will see is that I am lying, not the silly reasoning behind it. Sometimes those little things add up. They add up to how we are seen by other people, and more importantly, how we see ourselves. For the most part, I think we all want the same thing: to be loved and respected for who we are; we're all trying to do the best we can to be super moms, super wives, super employees, and super everything else's (and yes, I realize that is not a word)!!!

Letters to Kade: July 22, 2007

Dearest Kade,
You've been an active boy, doing what I call the "surfacing" thing. You are always at odd angles in my belly! You are kicking me as we speak. You've been giving Mommy lots of contractions lately. It makes me wonder if you are going to make an appearance soon. We go to Dr.K tomorrow, so we'll get to hear to your little heartbeat and have that assurance, at least for another week. I can't tell you enough how much I treasure this time with you and how much I wish I had more time. From the day I found out you were coming, I dreamt of who you'd be, who you'd become, and laid out all my hopes and dreams for you. I never thought we'd instead be planning your funeral, or making arrangements for your death. I don't know how this happened to you or how Mommy and Daddy are supposed to go from here, but I do that you are very special; God gave you this short life and we will do our best to protect you for as long as you are in our care. We love you to the moon sweet boy!

Journal Entry: July 14, 2007

Kade has moved a lot today. I am so blessed to be his mother...I try to repeat that over and over and hopefully I'll convince myself that I truly am rejoicing in the positive rather than dwell in the negative that is about to slam down on us. I am so thankful he is active and strong. He's really putting up a fight. God bless his little heart. I am so ready to see him on an ultrasound again and see how big he's gotten. I'm not ready to let him go. The closer it gets, the more I am losing it little by little. I'm scared and a lot sad-and desperately wishing the outcome were different. I want to see him, love him, hold him, touch his little fingers and toes. But what if I can't let him go? How do I say goodbye? I know I'll see him in Heaven some day, but it's getting so hard to find reasoning in that. I know I should rejoice in that he'll be with God and that God chose me for this task, but I'm just not there. I don't know how to get through this. I don't know where to begin or how to prepare to say goodbye. People keep telling me there is a reason, that this is all part of a "bigger plan" God has for us. I honestly want to slap the next person who says that to me. I know that sounds awful....I just can't help it. For one, I can't fathom a loving Father would put their child through this. Pain isn't the right word.....there is nothing to compare it to or words to express what it feels like. The only way to understand the hurt is to live it and I wish that on no one. The scariest part is we haven't even come to the hardest part yet. This is just the beginning of a very long road.

My dearest friend...if you only knew how you've carried me through this. I am stronger and able to smile because of you. I know you see my pain and anguish when everyone else sees my smiles. You will never know how you've helped me live through this. I know you don't understand my decision, yet I also know you've respected it and supported me through it. I love you dearest friend...although I may not say it.

***10/13/10 You know who you are dearest friend. Apparently, it was on my heart to write this at the time, although, I am sure I never said the words to you. You've always been my rock and I love you to the moon :) Aunt Kimmy would sure be proud of the person you are today; as we all are!

Letters to Kade: July 18, 2007

Dear Sweet Boy,
You have not moved much at all today and you've got me a little worried. I'm hoping and praying you aren't being hurt by all the extra fluid I'm carrying. I am so used to you moving that it is all I've thought about today when you haven't.
Mommy's been having a hard time lately. I'm really feeling sad as your due date approaches. I'm extremely scared. Scared of the entire experience and scared that I won't be able to let you go when it is time to leave the hospital. I can't imagine leaving you in a "box", never to see you again until our heavenly meeting. That's the hardest part of all this. That's the one part I've never been able to prepare myself for.
Know that I love you tons and tons! You are my sweet, sweet boy and mommy's so glad she's been blessed to be your mommy!
xoxoxo,
mommy

Journal Entry: June 28, 2007

The days keep getting harder. My body is exhausted; mentally and physically. I'm just so sad and tired. I just feel helpless. I feel so guilty in that a woman's body is meant to carry a baby-how can my body allow some unexplainable birth defect to hurt our baby? I just want all of this to be a nightmare or some horrible medical mistake. This can't be real. The closer to his due date-the harder and harder it gets. I'm trying so hard to stick to faith and believe in the power of His word. It's such a struggle. It's so hard to believe Kade's unhealthy. He moves so much and seems so active and healthy. I can only pray I'll get to meet Kade alive. Please Lord let me meet him alive. I want to hold him, hold his little hand and tell him how much we love him. I can't wait to sing to him. I'm having a very hard time accepting this outcome or that I'm going to leave the hospital without him. How do I burr our son? How do I let go? I know he is God's child, that I was never guaranteed any time with him, but I still can't see how I am to do this. I worry about Kade suffering-I can't stand the thought of that. From what I've read and researched, some anencephalic babies have seizures prior to death and that thought just devastates me. I want to know my Kade alive and pray he's alive long enough for us to know him, but not if that means he has to suffer. I couldn't take watching him in pain. I never knew I could hurt this much or really understood the term broken hearted. This is true pain-true sadness. Then the flip side is enjoying Kinsley and not letting this affect her or her little world. She is so fun and she is what keeps me going everyday. She is my lifeline.

Letters to Kade: July 10, 2007

Dear Sweet Boy,
I got to hear your heartbeat yesterday! It was so strong. You continue to amaze me in your strength. You are a true champion. You seem to have grown-but Dr. K says you are still quite small. Yet you are very active...you love to play I think. Kinlsey loves to give you kisses through my belly.

As it get closer to your arrival, I'm beginning to have a harder time with the thought of letting you go. I have grown so accustomed to your movements and actions. I will miss that so deeply. I love you so very much. We all love you little boy! You are not a fetus to us or a "mistake." You are our son and it's been that way since day one. I've never been ashamed or wish you'd not been conceived. I feel blessed to be your mother and thank God everyday that I've been blessed to carry you for your time on earth. I can't wait to see you and kiss your little face.

xoxoxo, mommy

Live Authentically

So I am addicted to chocolate. I don't buy it or keep it in the house, however, my mom seems to keep me in full supply. "Therapy" she calls it. Her latest treat she sent home were the Dove chocolates. They have these cute little wrappers with "inspiring' messages inside each one. So today's read "Live Authentically". For some reason, that stuck with me all day (yes, I did have chocolate for breakfast...remember when I said I don't like having it in the house...exactly) for some reason. It's just been in my brain as to what that means. Does it mean be true to who you are, to make your own path, or simply just the definition of authentic: genuine, real. Most of my life, I have tried to be anything but authentic. I've always wanted to be someone else or like someone else. I've never been happy in my own skin. Whew-it's only taken me 30 years to say that out loud. Kidding aside, it is true that most of what we do in life is because it is to have more like someone else, to be more like someone else, and as a majority, to live as how others expect us to. Not much in life is authentic anymore. If living more authentic includes making it simpler, I am all in. I am so tired of working to achieve...achieve what, I don't know. The paycheck? Realistically, the paycheck is a necessity. Gotta have it or my kids don't eat. However, why must we work so hard, so much time away from our families, watch half of our salaries go to taxes (seriously---my last check had 40% taken out for taxes) , and then come home to the feelings of frustration and guilt that we've missed out on the very most important things to us. I had a friend say the other day "Well, my kids are in school most of the day anyway" and yes, that is true for most (mine aren't there yet), however, wouldn't it be nice that when they got home, you could be there for them? Or when you came home in the evening, the house work, dinner, dishes, etc would be done so you could just spend time with them and actually SLEEP before the sun came up?? Maybe it just me, but I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling like I should always be some where else. At work I feel guilty for leaving my kids, at home I feel guilty for not working on an unfinished project or email. And DARN THAT BLACKBERRY....every since I've had that thing, I live by that darn blinking red light. I may be home and with my family, but subconsciously, I'm check out...I am constantly checking that thing or thinking about checking it. You hear all this stuff about "living in the moment" and normally, I am the first one to go "CORNY" but you know, I am buying more and more into that theory. These moments won't last forever, and not a one is guaranteed. I want my kids to remember those moments and when my time on this earth is done, I want them to have so many memories of those little moments, that their hearts are full, and not sad with grief. I will never be able to give my kids everything...however, I can give them everything in me. Everything they need to be respectful, compassionate, and loving adults. At the end of the day, that paycheck can't buy that. I love what I do and I am very blessed God has granted me with the career that he has. However, as a mom, the time spent with my kids just never seems to be enough. So the promise I made to myself today was this: It is ok to just be me, to just want to be myself, and that at the end of every day, I am going to enjoy this "real" life, as it is everything I ever could have wanted and it has taken a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get here.

Journal Entry: June 2007

This afternoon Kinlsey and I went to see a friend and her new baby boy. I handled it a lot better than I expected to. He is so cute and so tiny. I held him and Kinsley kissed him. I didn't tear up until we got in the truck-but I did not fall apart. I am making progress.

I also realized that I am so blessed. If I do nothing else in my life, I have been a mother and have loved my daughter and my son with all my heart. My son has a purpose-a purpose I believe is to teach me compassion, grace, humility, and of God's love. Kade's taught me so much in his short little life.

I am starting to wonder if I am ready for what is to come; if you can ever be ready. I am dreading what lies ahead and have no idea what to expect. I am scared. What if I can't do it? What if I totally lose it when it comes time for the funeral? I feel like I am walking into a really large tunnel and I have no idea if I'll ever come out of the other side. I make it through the days ok, but nights are the worst. When the lights go out is when I realize how afraid and alone I feel. One thing I know with complete confidence is that if I survive this, I can survive anything.

Letters to Kade: July 3, 2007

Dearest Kade,
Today your sister rubbed my belly and said "hi baby" then gave you a kiss. She knows there's a baby in there somewhere. You haven't moved much today. Maybe you're just tired-we were very busy running errands today. When Kinsley was rubbing my belly today, you kicked her her hand. It was awesome.

I am trying to keep up a brave front. It is getting harder and harder. Many people still don't know about your diagnosis and I am hoping we can keep it that way for as long as possible. People can be cruel and many of those that do know keep telling us what we should or should not do or look at us like complete aliens or something. I get it makes people uncomfortable and people don't know what to say, but I am so tired of feeling awkward around people.

I hope you wake up a bit when I lay down! I miss feeling you move!

All my love,
Mommy

Journal Entry: June 12, 2007

Each of us has a story-a beginning, a middle, and an end. I always thought I knew my story, or that I could plan it all out. What I forgot was that God already had a plan for my life and I had forgotten to listen. Kade's story is very unique and his life very special. His began at conception, the middle through his time in the womb, and the end will be at his birth. However short his story may seem, it is the story of a life; the story of my son. Sometimes I wish I could read ahead and see how the ending plays out, then again, I don't think I want to know as I am afraid I won't enjoy the time I have left with him. This experience has taught me so much about life and about myself. I am much stronger than I knew and I realize now that life is series of events, not one long ride we sit through. It consists of choices; easy ones, tough ones, ones you embrace, ones you regret, and ones that forever change who you are and who you'll become. When the story of my life ends, I hope that it reads that I lived for my children and that as much as I'll miss this earthly life, I'll sure be in a hurry to meet that beautiful little boy waiting for me in Heaven.

Letters to Kade: June 28, 2007

Hey Little Man,
How fast this time with you is going! Honestly, the closer to your due date we get, the harder it is to accept your diagnosis. I can't imagine letting you go. Reality is beginning to get the best of me. I think of you throughout the entire 24 hours of a day. I don't think I've ever honestly wished, hoped, or prayed for anything this much in my entire life.

Kinsley is so excited to meet you and it breaks my heart for her as much as for us. I have no idea how I'll ever explain it to her. She is so little and doesn't deserve this pain either. I can't think about that or I'll go insane.

You move so much and even though you are small, you make my entire belly move when you kick. You are so active in utero just like your sister was. It's so hard to imagine you're not healthy! You seem so healthy as you move around. You are such a fighter and I am so proud of the fight you've given. You are a champion little man.

If you can-please hang on to meet us. Fight as long as you are able. When you can't fight anymore, please know it is ok to go. Mommy and Daddy don't want you to be in pain or discomfort.

I love you so, so much!

Journal Entry: June 10, 2007

His grace is sufficient for me. That is what I keep telling myself over and over. This tribulation is for a purpose and no matter what, we will always have a son. Kade Daniel Klaassen will always be our son. He will always be a part of us. He is growing so much and he moves all the time. I am so thankful for that. It makes this time so much more special. It's made me feel like I've gotten a chance to know him. He has such a personality. I am so glad. I know in all this darkness there is light. The light is God's love and grace and that Kade will be happy and healthy at the feet of God. How can I be angry or sad about that? How can I be so selfish as to deny him that? I am so glad I am carrying him. I can't imagine not seeing him, holding him, etc. I would've always wondered. some call the decision selfish, some brave. I say neither. A mother loves her child unconditionally and her instinct is to protect her children. I don't even see it as my choice. It's always been in God's hands, whether I was aware of it or not. It's insane to think how smug I was. To think we could control everything or that we can just choose when and how things in our life will take place.

Letters to Kade: June 19, 2007

Dearest Kade,
Sunday was your first Father's Day! We went to grammy and papa's. Your name was signed on each card. I hope that helps people understand that you are, and always will be, a part of this family. Just because your life expectancy is short is no reason to dismiss you as our child. Through this I have learned even the Godliest of people can be harsh and cold. I think people just don't want to understand-they are afraid to. It makes them realize that it can happen to anyone or someone they know or love.
We found out this week that there have been 2 babies in our distant families that were born with anencephaly. One from each side. No one had ever talked about it until they learned about you.

Kade-I thank God for blessing me with you every day. You have taught me so much. I know people don't understand-but you are our son. You kick, roll, and grow like any other child in the womb. A mother's instinct is to protect her child-that's what I am doing-protecting you as long as I can. In my heart I truly believe it was never my decision to continue or end your life. That is God's decision and I don't want to stand before God on judgement day and have him ask me why I killed his child.

I want to see you-hold you and tell you I love you. I need that to grieve and say goodbye. I need to know you. I can't imagine going through life wondering who you looked like,how big you are, thinking I could have one hour or one day or however long with you. I will cherish any to every minute with you-I know your daddy will too.

This morning you've moved way up to "the surface" of my belly. We could feel you completely and my whole belly was lopsided. It was awesome!

As much as I know I will miss miss miss you, I also know and cherish the fact that you'll be in a safe, joyous place as surrounded by angels. Keep up the fight sweet boy!

I love, love, love you!

The Golden Rule

So we've had a situation in our family lately that has given me great perplexity (is that even a word?? We are going with it). I can't honestly say that I've always cared about repeating gossip or hurting someones feelings by repeating "information." However, after the last three years I can say I DO CARE and I can honestly say I am such a different person in that I refuse to be the one to bring pain to someone else (purposely anyway). This situation has brought on some strong emotions, yet I am trying so hard not to be THAT person. That person who talks about it, trashes the person in question, or repeats something that is of no affect to my immediate family. If this person is not hurting me, do I have the right to speak up if they are hurting a loved one? I was raised by the golden rule...my mom worked really hard to teach me that what you give out comes around four times worse...and the good you give out comes around for the better. I have learned to believe in karma. So I guess the obvious answer is to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it...darn it, I am going to try.
I wonder what it is about our human nature that makes us so interested in other's lives? Things like People magazine crack me up as why do we pay $5 to read about someones coffee preference or who they are dating this week? Really, do we care that much? I honestly feel like I've lost about 20 IQ points each time I read one of those silly gossip magazines. So silly! Maybe if we all spent that equal amount of time on our own lives, we'd have a lot less problems in the world.

Off to get some sleep-with a sick baby, I see many wake up calls thru the night tonight.

Letters to Kade: June 10, 2007

Sweetest Kade,
You were destined to be an athlete I think! You kick, roll, move, punch etc.most of the day and night. I am so very thankful for that! I am so thankful that you have given me a chance to get to feel you, know you, and "see" your personality in the short time we've had together. You've made this time so special-so worth the heartache of what will come later. I can't help but believe maybe God will grant us a miracle and you'll be born with a beautiful, perfect placed skull. I can live with any "disorder" or birth defect, but losing you is something I won't ever get over. No parent should have to bury their child. There are so many things I want to tell you. So many things I want to show you. More than anything-I want you to feel how much you are loved. I hope you can see from Heaven all the people that love you and will be devastated when you return to Heaven. I am so sad that I won't get a chance to share an earthly life with you, but I will also rejoice in the fact that you will be safe, healthy, and forever my son at the hands of God. I am so thankful you are my son. I am so thankful God blessed me with you-no matter how long we have together. You are so very special to me and our family. Always know that mommy loves you sweet boy.

xoxoxo,
mommy

Wishing I had the words...and the answers.

I wish I had the words to express my heavy heart today. I have been deep in thought lately and I can finally admit to myself that I am searching...I am just not sure what I am searching for. Those times in your life when you feel the need for change, but have no idea what you are needing to change. I've been really down and just sort of scattered lately. It is what Shannon may call grumpy, but I prefer to call it "stressed." I am just restless and I am not sure if it is due to re-living the journey with Kade through my posts or if it just life in general. There is so much I think and feel in a day that it is no wonder I am exhausted all the time. I feel like my mind has just been going and going without rest. Ugh, that feeling can make you nuts. I wish I could figure out all the answers. The answers to making those around me happy, the answers to all of life's tough questions, and the answers to every working mother's greatest fear-that our children will some how resent us someday for going to work each and every day and for those of us workaholics-all day every day and some evenings.
I am so darn proud of my kids and I never want them to think I chose to leave them or chose work over them. Everything I have done is for them. I honestly have no idea what I did before I had children.! I know I was sad and lonely and although it is the hardest job I have ever done, it is worth every blood, sweat, and tear moment the world can throw at me. I just feel like I could do so much better than what I do...I yell at Kins as I am always late-as if that should make it her emergency to get around faster. I feel as though I see Karsyn just long enough to pass her off to the next sitter..all those frustrating thoughts that can a woman go unhinged. I am nothing without my family and I would give anything to be with them all day, every day. However, I also prefer to have food on the table, so that is not an option and I home some day the girls understand that.

So to all the working moms, I think we have to learn to forgive ourselves and move on. Not many can do what we do in a day and we should be proud that we help provide for our families and as long as we put the kids first when we are spending quality time with them, I truly believe they'll turn out just fine. Come check out the post and 20 years and I'll let you know how that theory works out.

Letters to Kade: June 3, 2007

Hey Little Man...
You are growing! Your movements are bigger and stronger. You move a lot and I love it!
You are on my mind all the time and I am cherishing every moment I have with you. I am so grateful to be your mother! You are a miracle and I will always be thankful for you.

It breaks my heart that I can't keep you for long and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't change the anencephaly if I could. Sometimes I just get so sad and mad that I have to let you return to God. The selfish part of me wants you here and wants to see you grow up and do all the things children are "supposed" to do.

I can't wait to meet you and hold you-I just want you to feel how much you are loved. We all love you little man.

Top to Toe,
Mommy

Journal Entry: June 3, 2007

June 3, 2007

Kade has been kicking and flopping, moving constantly. He moves a lot and I can feel him getting bigger and stronger. It's amazing. Pregnancy is the biggest blessing. There is nothing like the feeling of having a life forming and living inside you. It's got to be one of God's greatest gifts. I am so thankful and blessed to get to be pregnant twice. I'd be lying if I said all my emotions are thankful and positive. As hard as I try, I do get mad, I do get sad. There are times I just sit and cry or throw things. I don't see myself as "brave" or righteous. I see myself as a mom who wants as much time as God allows with her son. I want to see his face-I want to hold him, and dress him. I want him to feel all the love so many people have for him. I can't imagine how hard the ending is going to be-I don't even pretend to fathom it-but for months, I've gotten to cherish my time with him. He's my son and to me, there's no other choice.

During our trip to Tulsa this weekend, I told Nonny about Kade, and it was so tough. However, she had so much wisdom to share and that helped me a lot. I had one of those moments when we got back-those moments that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. I was cleaning out the spare bedroom closet and on the floor in the back was a study guide. It is a biblical study guide Nonny had given me when Chris and Casey died that had scripture on death. Of course, back then, I just threw it somewhere and honestly, I am surprised I had kept it all these years and through moving houses, etc. There it was...open to the story of David and the loss of his son; Samuel 12: 22-23
He answered "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, "Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live." But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

I hear you Lord, I hear you.

Letters to Kade: May 27, 2007

Dear Kade,
You are growing! I can feel you kick and punch now as well as see my stomach move when you do! I want you to know that you are an amazing boy-you've fought through all odds to get this far and with your weak little heart, you've fought an amazing battle. I am so proud to call you my son.

You are blessing to me each and every day. Please remember me when you get to Heaven. I pray you watch over us and smile down on us occasionally. I will always wonder what your life would be like if you'd lived. I will always think of you an the time I've had with you.

I love you Kade. You are and always will be mommy's little boy.

Just Another Day in Paradise

So today was just one of those days that makes you thankful. Although life is always crazy in our household, today was just one of those laid back days were everyone is actually sort of calm and we had time to play and just enjoy being together this evening. I've started a book for Kinsley of all the funny things she says and today I got to add some good ones.

Me: Kinsley where are we going tomorrow?
Kinsley: "Fieldtrip!"
Me: Where to?
Kinsley: "The field!"
So apparently she is just excited to go anywhere! All this girl needs is a school bus and she is happy to go.

On the way to school, Kinsley shows me her library book on ducks (as if we had not read it 50 times the night before) and she informs me that a particular duck is a male duck.
Me: Yes, it does say he is a male duck.
Kinsley: He is fat just like a mail bag, so that is why he is a male duck!

Love having a glimpse into her little thinking process. So funny how kids put these things together in their minds. I forget sometimes to just sit back and enjoy this stage. I feel as though we are always rushing from here to there and she hears "hurry up" more than the I love yous. Then I see her with other children, and she is so compassionate and caring and it reminds me that we must be doing something right.

Speaking of Kinsley, apparently sleep is not her agenda tonight as she just came walking in and is talking a hundred miles a minute. Going to be a long night...sigh

Letters to Kade: May 20, 2007/Journal Entry: May 28, 2007

Dearest Kade,
You are such an athlete! You've been moving and kicking mommy like crazy! I feel like the luckiest mom in the world each time you kick me! I'm truly enjoying this time with you and I hope you can feel how much you are loved!

I got the ring with your name on it Friday and I smile each time I glance down at it. I sleep with the blanket I've bought for you each night. It brings me some comfort. I think you'll be coming to meet us pretty soon. I've had some weird feelings lately and I think you might come early.

Some days I don't have any idea how I'll leave the hospital without you. I have to keep telling myself that you need God and that you have so many people in Heaven waiting to hold you.

I love you so much sweet boy. You are my sunshine.


Journal Entry: May 28, 2007
The baby is getting lower and the cramps come more often. He just kicks and kicks-I cherish each one. I have to enjoy this time with him, it's all the time I will get. I pray that I get to meet him alive. I just ask for a minute or two to tell him I love him, watch him breathe, and grasp his little hands. I have no idea what to expect or the grief and pain that lies ahead. I've read the websites, books, etc. but I know in my heart that nothing can truly prepare us.

I love his name-Kade Daniel. It's a great, strong name. He's such a fighter-he's been so strong. Bless his heart-I can't imagine the fight he's given. His little heart is weak, the anomalies-and the still hangs on. At his doctor's appointment, his heartbeat sounded strong. I didn't get an ultrasound this time and was so disappointed. I feel better when I get to "see" him. I've thought a lot lately about his death. I will have to lay my child into the earth-a cold, dry, place of dirt. I know it will be his earthly body, but that's all I know-his earthly self. I will have to say goodbye to him, leave the hospital with out him, and once he's at the funeral home, that will be the last time I see him. The fear of death has always paralyzed me; now it is real and in my face. How do you heal from the death of your child? How do you say goodbye? I also think how this will affect Kinsley. She'll know somethings wrong. Someday, I'll get to tell her about her brother, show her pictures. She'll always be a big sister ...

Letters to Kade: May 12, 2007/ Journal 5/9/07

Dearest Kade,
Today is Mother's Day and the day has been bittersweet for me. I am so thankful to be a mommy and for you and your sister. The hard part is I know I'll have to let you go. You've been really active this week-but you haven't moved much yesterday or today. Maybe you are just tired :)
Tomorrow is our next doctor's appointment and I am so ready to get to see you on that screen! It lets me know that you are ok and that you are still fighting. You usually even give us a little "wave." You are such a sweet boy!

I love you so much and I hope you know I love you little one!

Journal Entry May 9, 2007:
For my birthday I picked out a ring and had it engraved with Kade's name. As it gets closer to delivery date, the harder it's getting. He's so real to me-he's just like a "normal" baby. It's still numbing when I think of the outcome of all this. I feel like it's a nightmare every time I reflect on it. I have to believe God has a plan-that this has been for a reason. I just can't fathom a reasoning. Life is just hard. This baby has been such a wake up call. on how we live our life on a daily basis. Out of the grief has come a lesson in living.

Letters to Kade: May 6, 2007 and Journal 4/30/07

5/6/2007
Today is Mommy's birthday. I thought about you all day-grieving for the birthdays you won't get to have, but also joyful that I will get to see and cherish the greatest birthday of them all! You've been moving a lot lately and I just cherish each movement. You are such a huge part of me and the love I have for you is unfathomable. You are wanted...you are loved...and you are my dear sweet boy. I am so proud to be your mommy! I love you. xoxoxo

Journal Entry 4/30/2007
God created my son's life and it is in God's hands when his life ceases. I am now 24 weeks along and every day is a struggle. A bad dream, a cruel reality...My son will die. I have to pick out a casket, plan a funeral, and always wondering "what if." Who would he be, who would he look/act like? I have ok days-then I have really sad ones. I know I have to have faith and give the hurt to God. I also know that the mother in me is going to hurt-going to mourn my child-and I know that God loves me and allows me that emotion. Sometimes it is hard to have faith or find a way to grasp not blaming God or being angry at God. That is the human in me I guess.
I want this little boy so much and I want to love and hold him. I want to tell him Mommy loves him and to tell him it will be ok. He just kicked me! I thank God for all those little movements. Each one is a cherished movement that tells me he is still fighting. He's such a little fighter. There are so many loved ones in Heaven waiting to love him-at least I have that comfort. I love you little one.

Look beyond the "sad"

This blog has been a blessing and yet it throws me entirely out of my comfort zone. I am a pretty private person these days and I don't share a lot with just anyone. When Shannon read the blog, he was really outside of his comfort zone. He is EXTREMELY private about Kade and not many people have heard him talk about his son. This is the man who built his son's casket without saying a word to anyone-I didn't even know about it until it was almost completed. Not that he minds me blogging this information, he just doesn't understand why I' d want to. The why and why now is pretty easy. The why is because when we got home from the specialist and through the next few months, I felt so alone. The only thing getting me out of bed each morning was the beautiful little girl who needed me. I kept going for her. I took comfort in reading other parent's stories and found others who felt the pain I was feeling. The why now is a little complicated as it has actually been in the works for the last 3 years. About a week after Kade's funeral, I was ready to get a website up and running, etc when I received a great piece of advice from a nurse trained in grief counseling ( the hospital provides this when an infant is born still ). She said "Give it six months, give it a year. You need to feel your grief before you can help others." She was right. I needed to experience the grief...the whole process. I honestly would have had nothing to offer then-I am still n0t 100% confident in sharing our journey with others.



I had a support group parent ask me how these posts were supposed to help-it just made them sad. You have to look past the "sad" of it. Yes, it is sad, and yes it is emotional, but you have to look beyond that. As I post the journal and letters, you'll see that there is so much more to the story. There is hope, love, and strength in it all. Kade's journey changed us all. Changed the way we live, changed the way we love, and it made us stronger individually and as a family. I hope it helps in that you know you are not alone-that someone has felt that pain, has made those difficult decisions, and survived it. In the moment, you have no idea how you'll ever survive it, how you'll go on, and I wish I had all the answers, but all I can say is you just do. You just take it one day at a time and each day leads to the next. I don't agree with "time heals all wounds"...honestly, that is crap. Time won't make the hurt go away-it may make it easier to get up each morning-but from my experience, that hole in your heart will always be there. But I see that as a good thing-each day I have a reminder of what I have and what I've lost; what has made me who I am and there is no doubt Kade made me a better person. I am a better person and a better parent. As much as I hate to quote Garth, I could have missed pain, but I would have had to miss the dance; I wouldn't have missed that dance for anything. I would gladly have given my life for Kade to live, but that wasn't an option. I wouldn't change anything we did in dealing with the hand life dealt us.


I have had people say we were "brave" or "so strong" and while I appreciate the compliment, it would be a lie to say that is true. I was scared every single day and always questioning myself. I was only strong around others...I will fully admit that I cried myself to sleep almost every night for almost a year. The only strength I had came from close friends and family. It wasn't something I woke up with each day. I just kept everything so private that no one on the outside knew how I was completely broken on the inside. However, out of that grief came compassion for others and a relationship with myself that I'd never had before. It is amazing what you learn about yourself in the darkest hours...it isn't always pretty, but I think you make the choice to either let it consume you or to come out fighting. I fought for sanity, I fought for some type of normalcy, I fought to keep life as normal as I possibly could for Kinsley. That was so important to me. Ultimately, we all handle life differently; we all choose a path. I can't say what the correct path is for anyone else. Kade's journey taught me all I can do is wake up each day and hope that the path I choose to take is one I can live with, one my family and children would be proud of, and that leads me home to my Creator at the end of my days.

Letters to Kade: May 2, 2007

Dearest boy,
God created a miracle when he created you. We found out on Christmas Eve day that you were joining our family. I could not have been happier! Early on, I knew something was different. I felt different and I hurt a lot. The doctor told me it was placenta privia. I knew I was worried but I knew that it was common so I was ok. Then on a Tuesday afternoon, the nurse called and said our Trisomy 18 test was high. She said not to worry-only 1 in 17 years of nursing had a positive test actually been correct. I really did not think much more about it. The next Monday we went the specialist. There was 1 in 10 chance you had anencephaly, 1 in 11% that you had a Trisomy 18 defect.

When the ultrasound tech came in and began, we saw you-you are so beautiful! You look big and healthy! You moved, waved, etc. Then she showed us the boy parts-we were estatic! A boy! Our extreme delight did not last long. The doctor came in and began an ultrasound. He wouldn't answer any questions and I began to fear the worst. I had no idea h ow bad the worst was! At the end, he told me you have anencephaly-a neural tube defect where part of the brain and/or skull does not form (it is a very random defect in that it affects each case differently, some more severe than others.) It is fatal. He told us you'll be born stillborn or die soon after birth. Mommy's heart broke in pieces after the shock. He told us we'd be better of aborting you, you were not a "viable fetus." I couldn't even comprehend what he was telling me! When we left, we got to the elevators and daddy put his arm around me and I lost it. I cried all the way home. Telling your Grammy and Grandpa the news was even harder! They already love you so much! We all do!

I am carrying you because you are my son and I love you beyond belief. Every time you kick me-I feel so blessed. You move mainly at night and kick when I lay down. Your sister pats my belly and says "Bubba."

To me, you are perfect. I want to hold you and tell you how much I love you. I want to protect you. I want to tell you not to be afraid. There are so many people in Heaven waiting to hold you! I know aunt Kimmy will take such good care of you and rock you since I can't. I am so proud of you my dearest boy. You've been such a fighter. If you can-keep fighting. If you can't-or if you hurt-it is ok to let go sweet boy. I'll meet you in Heaven. I will love you and miss you every day of my life.

I know I'll get to hold you in Heaven and get to know you in that beautiful place. We all love you so very much sweet baby.

Journal Entry: March 28, 2007

March 28, 2007 Journal Entry

If hell had a face on earth, this has to be it. How life can flip upside down in a heartbeat is cruel. I don't know how to wrap my brain around this-or comprehend any of it. I just want to wake up and it all be a dream. A terrible nightmare that will go away. If Kinsley weren't here I'd go insane. She's been my saving grace. How can God give such a beautiful gift and then take it away before we've gotten a chance to love him or touch him? I want to hold my little boy-kiss him-and tell him how much his mommy loves him. I've felt him move-I've fought hard to keep this pregnancy-how do I do anything to hurt him? He's my son. He's my baby. He's real-his heart beats-he's alive and viable inside me. He's a little person and he's fighting so hard, bless his heart. He's a fighter. How do you tell someone to choose how to let your baby die? You can either terminate him or carry him and watch him die in your arms. This has to be a nightmare. Life can't be this cruel. It just can't be. How can any mother say "well he'll die anyway, so let's just kill him early??" I CAN'T, but I also can't bring him into this world as have him suffer. I can't do that either. The Internet research didn't help-that just made it more traumatic and real. I am so blessed with Kinsley and I know that, but that doesn't take the pain of this away. There's no way to make this hurt less or make it all make sense. I am so angry , so scared, and just so damn sad. My heart is so broken and I honestly feel as though I am broken. My poor baby is broken. His ultrasound showed us though how beautiful he is-he's active and has a personality all his own already. He's my son and I already love him-I LOVE HIM-why is that not enough. What could have been done? Is this God' way of punishing me? Is this my fault? I can't help but think that I could have done something differently. This has to be my fault-how can anything else make sense? Surely God can't be responsible. How can He love us unconditionally then up this out there? Why or how could He do this to an innocent child? How will I ever be able to make it through this? How do I let him go? Please let this be a terrible nightmare. Please don't let it be real. God help me.

D Day

In March 0f 2007, I was 4 months pregnant with our son, Kade. At 19/20 weeks, we went for an appointment with a specialist due to a high risk test coming back abnormal. Our OB's nurse told us not to worry, these often came back as false positives, and that in the 17 years experience, only one case had actually been a true positive. We sat in a room with large flat screen tv-Shannon next to me and Kinsley sitting next to me on the table. The tech comes n and shows us our beautiful baby boy (obvious boy) and we were ecstatic! She measures, does her thing, etc and points out various parts of his body as any normal ultrasound tech does. He was even sucking his thumb! It takes a while for the doctor to come in and his ultrasound lasted almost an hour. He wouldn't answer our questions, etc and we had the feeling something was very wrong. At the end of the ultrasound, he states, emotionless, "the fetus has a fatal birth defect. Anencephaly. It is fatal and nothing I see here looks good. You will need to decide by 25 weeks if you want to keep the pregnancy or abort the fetus." Needless to say, I didn't comprehend anything he said. I was in shock. Looking back, I am surprised I didn't punch him in the nose (the Bates temper gets the best of me sometimes). We left there with zero information on the birth defect-they did not even write it down for us-we just left with our sorrow and confusion. I remember making it to the elevator and just losing it. Standing there with my husband and daughter holding me, bawling. It is one of those moments you see in movies where time just stands still and you have no care as to what is going on around you. We walked all the way out to the pick up that way. I remember not wanting to scare Kinsley, yet having no way of controlling myself. The first person I called was Kara and I had no idea what to say...I just needed to hear her voice. I dreaded calling my parents. I knew they'd be heard broken and devastated. Bless her heart, Kara offered herself up to call them, but I knew I had to do it. Telling them was as hard as hearing it myself. In the days to come, I received numerous advice from numerous people. Random people. People who had not been a part of our lives, had stopped being a part of our lives, and then of course, those closest to us. Everyone for some reason thought they got to have an opinion on whether or not we chose to carry our son to term. I can not tell you how many times I wanted to scream "Who in the hell do you think you are???" In a quick moment, I became a very private, withdrawn person. I suddenly wanted no part of who I was or our life before this. It was a tragedy no one could understand, a decision I could not possibly make, and a feeling of complete confusion I could not explain. After much soul searching, I just couldn't abort Kade. To me, it was God's decision as to when and how Kade left this Earth, not mine. As any mother knows, it is our job to protect our children. We'd gladly give ourselves to save our children, keep them from pain or discomfort. I knew I'd love and protect him as long as God allowed me to. So while this story spans over many months, this is it in a quick summary. I began a journal containing letters to Kade-an idea I had read on the Anencephaly support group website. I am so thankful for this advice as in the moment, you don't realize or remember what is happening, but now I can go back and read these and know that I did my best to be the best mommy to Kade as I could while we shared his time with us. Kade's letters were burried with him on August 18, 2007.

A Mother's Journey

So I've been going through all my journals from our journey with Kade and have been trying to put them into some type of order or story. As part of the anencephaly support group, I'd like to have our story posted to where parents new to the diagnosis can read his story. I found it helpful when we received his diagnosis and were left with nothing on the fatal birth defect. No even the spelling of the disorder...try googling "anencephaly" without having a clue how it is spelt. The Internet was so cruel....wish I'd never googled it. Most posts were so far from the truth of the babies with this birth defect-at least in Kade's case they were way off. I'll never forget landing on YouTube and they actually had videos of babies with anencephaly...making rude, cruel jokes about them dying. Who does that??? Disappointments in humanity that those people actually exist. Not that I wouldn't want to meet them in person...I am pretty damn sure I'd have no problem taking them out....we live in the country..plenty of places to hide the evidence :) Just kidding; sort of. How people like that exist is beyond me. I have not been back on YouTube since that day...disappointments me they'd allow people to post stuff like that. Well, that is my rant. Back to my point, I am trying to compile all these journals into something that may help others. I don't know that anything ever really helps, but it made a difference to know that someone else could understand. It's funny how at times reading the journals makes me feel better and at other times, takes me to a dark place. It's a roller coaster ride that doesn't end and you never know when the next hill will be just around the corner. Anger, grief, sadness, anger, grief, it just goes in circles...high, low, high, low. I'll start posting these entries with the next blog and hope that I am able to complete the task without losing my mind all over again.

I'm Moving On

So I am at that point to where I know I need a change, but not sure what that change should be. I have always known where I was going, what I was meant to do, or thought I was meant to do. I was an excellent educator. I was confident in my teaching abilities and I know I had a natural ability to educate. However, I don't know that after the first two years, that I really loved teaching. I came home frustrated, upset, and stressed all the time. With sales, I love going from place to place and meeting new people, getting to see familiar faces and I enjoy seeing my work on the cheerleaders. It is always amazing to see your ideas come together. However, I wonder sometimes if I am too nice for sales If maybe I wasn't meant to sell, sell, sell. If that is the case,then where does that leave me? I NEED to work...a one income family just is not an option for us. I also need to work for my sanity. Sometimes I feel like I just woke up one day and started questioning what I was meant to do, who I was meant to be. I want to do so many different things, and try so many different occupations. One day I want to go back to teaching, another day I want to become a photographer, cup cake maker, go into the medical field, etc. It is always something. Makes me worry a bit that I am always looking for something else instead of just being happy where I am and with what I have. Many people would love to have my career and most of the time it is nice....but I spend so many hours working that I know quality time with my kids is suffering. So, so frustrating. Wouldn't a crystal ball come in handy about now? Would be fantastic to have that fairy god mother to tell me what decisions to make. I could use that assurance about now. I don't want to be that person that is always job jumping. I want to build my career and grow in that career. I am too determined to accept anything less than that. May the answers come soon so I don't lose my mind.

"Mommy, why do you have to go to work?"

Ahhh...the question I wish I had the answer to. Kinsley asked me this tonight as I sat down to enter orders. I left her early this morning, got home late, and then had to enter orders once I was home. Bless her heart, I wonder often how abandoned she must feel. This job has began to consume me and it makes me sad for my girls and for me. I LOVE what I do, but I've got to find a way to make it more manageable and stop letting it control me. If I've learned anything over the last three years is that life is too short and God forbid something happen to me, I don't want my girls to just remember me working all the time. I am all for women's liberation, etc. but there are times I wish we could go back to a simpler time when women could afford to stay home and provide for their family from home. I feel so much pressure trying to be it all and do it all. Most moms I know feel the exact same. Of course, I am that person that would always have to have a hobby or career on the side to keep my sanity.

Funny how life brings you to those gut-check moments where you have to decide what is more important. That cross roads where you know once you decide which direction you want to go, you have to travel it as there is no turning back. I see those crossroads quickly approaching and I hope when I reach them, I am prepared and have done enough soul searching to know my answers. At the end of the day, I just want as much time with my daughter's as possible and I don't want to miss a thing. No regrets ten years down the road when I look up and they are
teenagers who are way to cool to hang out with mom.

The answers will come-they always do.

Kade Day

So today is what I've come to call a "Kade Day." It is where I tend to gravitate towards the "what ifs" of had Kade lived or not been born with his birth defect. After Kade was born, I went through shock, then anger, then sadness and so on. I wasn't sure I ever wanted to try again..luckily God had a bigger plan and blessed us with Karsyn. I know a lot of people think having another child in some ways makes it easier, but for me it actually made it worse...if that is possible. It makes me think of all the what ifs and hits me like a ton of bricks that I am missing all Kade's milestones. I wonder what he'd look like, what he'd be like, would he act like his sisters, would he be a daddy's boy or a Mommy's boy, and so on.

I can't begin to explain of how many ways I feel guilty. What if I had taken more vitamins, what if I had done something differently....the hardest part of his diagnosis was that there was no explanation. No reason for his defect, no scientific finding. Not that it would have helped the heart ache, but at least we'd know what happened. I have heard over and over that "God has a bigger plan." and "this was his plan for Kade." REALLY??? Taking a precious child's life was part of His master plan...to bring two loving parents to their knees in grief??? I just have a really hard time accepting that our Creator had that in mind. None of that makes sense or matches up with the bible lessons I learned growing up. Another jump into the unknown. I choose to believe that God's plan was to choose us to carry our son, knowing he'd be loved and cherished. Maybe He knew the outcome and blessed us to care for Kade for his little time on earth. I truly mean it when I say holding him and kissing his sweet face was worth the heartache of what was to follow. Feeling him kick, watching him suck his thumb and kick in the ultrasounds, holding him and seeing that sweet, chubby cheeked little boy face was well worth the pain. I wouldn't have done a thing differently. Of course I'd trade it for a different outcome, but that is just stating the obvious.

It is so odd to think back on all the times I thought I knew pain or thought I was experiencing heart ache. Losing Kade brought on a whole new meaning to pain. I can't explain it, nor do I honestly want to. You don't wish it on anyone...not even the worst of enemies. Losing a child makes you part of this club...a club no one wants to be in...almost an unspoken club. Just one that helps you realize others out there know how your heart is breaking and how much you'll never be the same. Damn that club and the reason for it. Funny, how it changes you. The moment they lowered Kade's casket....in that moment I knew. I knew I'd never be the same. I knew a part of me had died and gone with him. I knew that I would carry on because I had a daughter to raise (it was just Kins at the time) and that I would get up and remind myself to breathe each day, but I knew that there was a part of me that just wouldn't ever feel again. A numbness that can turn to sharp pains at any given moment. To say I miss him or think of him often isn't even close to an understatement. I grieve for him with every breath. Days like today just seem to increase the pain. It just one of those days where my heart is heavy and I feel as though I can't see through the pain. Tomorrow will likely be better, but there will always be Kade days and in some ways, I cherish those moments when I can just be alone with my memories of him.

Sweet dreams little man. We love you.

Can I have a moment???

So apparently I need to work on this whole blogging concept. Two posts in 6 months is not so great. However, if I could just get a moment free from work, house hold duties, and yes, even my sweet babies, I might have five minutes to be alone with my thoughts. I LOVE my dear husband, however, it gets very frustrating to watch him lay on the coach while I do bath time, bed time, dishes, laundry, and most of the time, work after the kiddos go to bed. He is self-employed and so he works crazy hours, which is hard enough. To make it worse, he is also an ATV racer and so what little time he does have is spent out in his shop nurturing his "mistress" (namely a large, powerful four-wheeler). I never in my entire life imagined myself being jealous of an ATV. It just makes me want to scream "SERIOUSLY???" I mean really, what can that thing do for him that his wife and kids can not?? Or maybe I don't want to know the answer to that. Meantime, my hobbies have been put to the wayside. By all means, I am just as much to blame on this as he is. I chose to give up my hobbies when we got married and once we had kids, forget it! I barely have time to breathe, much less find time to hit the dance studio to take a class (not to mention western Oklahoma is not the hub for adult dance classes). What is it about becoming a mom that makes us feel like we need to give up the things we love to that we can "be better moms?" I truly realize now that I would be a much better mom if I took time to take care of myself and release the stress. Sometimes I feel like all I do is yell at my Sweet girls (mainly Kins as how do you yell at a baby??) and I have to wonder at times if she feels like a complete failure, for just the simplest mistakes have gotten her head bit off at times. She is every mother's dream...honestly, I know she is mine, but as a former educator, I can attest that she REALLY IS a great kid. However, after a full day of working, coming home to be the maid, chef, taxi driver, counselor, teacher, and wife, I am exhausted and that exhaustion leads to stress. I don't like being that person, being THAT mom. I refuse to be THAT mom....

So, after months of frustration and feeling up in the air all the time, I've decided it's time. Time to take care of myself. Time to stop making excuses on why I can't go to dinner with friends or as to why I can't leave the kids with a babysitter. I spent so much time afraid of being a bad mom, that I stopped actually enjoying BEING a mom altogether. If I learned anything from losing Kade is that life is short and we have to enjoy the ride. Eat my dust guilt, resentment, and fear......... this ride will be special one...one in loving honor of my son who won't ever get the chance to take it.

The Great Mommy Debate

So every working mom I know has gone through it. That feeling that you should be home with your children, yet knowing you have to work in order to keep feeding them. I remember leaving my now 4 year old to go back to work and it sucked. I cried and cried. Now, I am reliving it all over again as I prepare to leave my 5 week old next week to return to work. As I held her today, I kept looking over at my Blackberry, what I call "living by the red blinking light" and I felt so guilty that instead of cherishing this moment with her, I was instead trying to figure out how to manuver my phone without waking her up. I have discovered that when I am at work, I feel guilty for not being with my children. When I am with my children, I feel guilty for not working. How are we suppose to juggle it all and why is there not an easier way to have both? I am very blessed that I am able to work from home 75% of the time. Although, we all know working at home with kids is near impossible, so they still have to go to daycare a majority of the time I am home working during the week. The other 25% of the time I am on the road traveling, and this is the time I know I fail as a mother. I see them maybe an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening and I can't express how much I miss them. Trying to be a super mom, super employee, super wife, etc. takes its toll and I begin to wonder why I make myself feel guilty for not being superwoman.
I am sure that losing Kade has made it worse. Losing a child makes you super paranoid, I have discovered. I now worry about anything and everything and I am always worried about something happening to one of my girls. It is almost a true fear that grips me at all times. Very uncharacteristic for me and I am not sure how to handle it. They say time heals all wounds, but I am learning there is not truth to that. It may get easier, but it never heals.