The Last Letter....

Below is the last letter I wrote to Kade. He was buried with his letters on August 21, 2007. Since that time, I continue to write him letters and leave them at his headstone or sometimes I keep them in our "Kade box" with all the cards, etc we received after his death.

I remember hearing a story years ago of a family who lost a child and how they took pictures with him, etc and I remember being so creeped out. I honestly remember saying "I could NEVER do that!" How we should never say never. When Kade was born, there was nothing weird or gross about it. It was absolute heart break...but not at all what I had so freaked out about years ago. It was as natural as wanting to keep my other children close...I was just as proud that day as I have been on the days my other children were born. I sang to him, held him, and in the moments he was with us here on Earth, he was surrounded in complete love. Our families all stepped up and surrounded him in the same love they had all the other babies born into this family. It was the hardest thing I have ever done; leaving that hospital without him. I admit, I woke up from what little sleep I had that night in panic that I'd left our son at the hospital. I sobbed like a complete lunatic when I allowed myself to think about him being a cold freezer instead of wrapped up in a warm baby blanket in the bassinet beside us. It is unexplainable and something you have to force yourself to face and then force yourself to let go of. I can not explain the moment he was born............not hearing his cries, it was just silent. Absolute silence. Then I remember just breaking into uncontrollable sobs. Just sobs that take over your entire body. I remember burying my head in Shannon's hands and I am not sure how long I sobbed like that. When they handed Kade to me, it was the strangest sense of calm. I suddenly felt some sort of peace and I smiled at his handsome face. I was heart broken, yet so thankful all at the same time. I am so very thankful for Dr.N who cried with us, who faced an entire waitng room of friends and family at least 20+ strong and giving them the news. I am so thankful for everyone there...everyone who came into our room and never once treated him like an oddity. He was greeted with smiles, hugs, tears, and held in love. Kinsley was still so little, she wasn't sure what was going on, but she knew she was surrounded by those that love her and she was more worried about playing with Aunt Kara and Nonny than the baby. I'll never forget Aunt Suzanne and Karen helping with his hand prints and feet prints. It is just certain pieces of that weekend that stick out like bright pictures in my memory. I just remember feeling so much grace in that room. I am so thankful that while Kade was here with us, he knew nothing but love. We were so blessed with wonderful nurses and staff. Not one treated us like we were crazy, and you could see they felt our sadness. That weekend brought big storms and major flooding; we were barely able to get home. I felt like the rain if that makes sense and I remember thinking how appropriate the storms and rain were for this "occasion."
I miss Kade every day and he is the first thing on my mind in the mornings and the last at night. I will forever be grateful for our time with him, and maybe even a bit angry and sad that our time was so short. That's just part of being human I think. Sweet dreams little man.