Thankful......

Ah, the beginning of the holiday season. As much as I welcome and enjoy this extra time with my family, it is also a bit hard to put my entire heart into it. While I am extremely thankful for each blessing in our lives, it is hard to fully commit to the whole thankful thing. I'd be lying if I said that I sit around the table and think about all the things I am grateful for. I can't help but find myself thinking "there should be a little boy here" or "we are missing someone." I feel so guilty that I allow myself to fall into that bit of sadness rather than rejoicing in the faces we do have around the table, however, it is just there and falls upon me before I even have a chance to realize it. Our minds are funny things sometimes and the more I experience, the more I think mine follows my heart. When my heart hurts, my thoughts tend to follow. As I watched the girls play at a Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday, I felt like a part of me was missing, that I just was not fully engaged in the event. I have a hard time explaining the feelings that well up...much less the mixed emotions of what follows when I catch myself being so down. I have been told numerous times to enjoy what "I have," "rejoice in the good," ,etc. and I get it, however, it rarely comes from someone who's experienced what we have. As a mother who has lost a child, I don't think it is possible to fully commit to the holiday season without a bit of sadness or loss....and it's not that I don't appreciate my other children, I truly believe you can do both. You can be sad for what you've lost and you can be joyful for your blessings all in the same breath. In all aspects of my faith, I believe in my heart God understands this. I am confident He knows my heart and knows how I love my children and how I grateful I am for each minute I get to share with them (yes, even those moments when I am hiding in the bathroom looking for just a few seconds of "mom" time)...and that He understands the hurt and feelings of loss I experience when that heartbreak begins to win over. He created us to feel, to sympathize, to care for others, so I have to believe He allows us those emotions when the pain affects our own. I know we'll sit around the table Thursday and share what we are thankful for, with thankful hearts; that Kinsley will say she is thankful for bubba and Karsyn (she always does) and pogo sticks (that is a new on this year) and that that will bring on the tears, but they'll tears shared with a smile in that Kade will be remembered and will be a part of the celebration in our hearts, minds, and souls.