Journal Entry: August 30, 2007

Kade came and went August 18. Weirdest of circumstances, but Weatherford hospital discovered he no longer had a heartbeat on August 17, so we went to the city that night and began to induce labor. They continued to induce labor throughout the night and by the next afternoon, it was time. When the time came to push, I lost it. I cried and cried. Kade came pretty easily....(edit)...No crying, no whaling, it was so heartbreaking! That was the worst minutes of my entire life. It's like a piece of me died too. I buried my head in Shannon's hand and just cried. My little man was so beautiful. He had Kins' face-Shannon's build. He was so long and skinny-exact same feet as Shan. Kade was just a little over 3 lbs. and was almost 16" long...yet he seemed as big as most full term babies. He didn't seem small. He had ten perfect fingers and toes; he was perfect except for his little head. He even had dark hair and little ears that were so adorable. Bless his heart, he gave such a fight. I was so disappointed and heartbroken that I didn't get to meet him alive. I held him most of Saturday and Sunday until we went home. I sang to him and gave him kisses. The time came to leave and that was so hard, leaving him there. It was beyond terrible. I don't have the words. I don't know if I can even begin to describe the service. Monday was a blur-funeral home, etc. I just remember sitting there picking out flowers, etc and feeling like it was all a dream. Just couldn't grasp it was actually happening. Then the nightmare day came. From the time I woke up I cried and cried. The inevitable had come and I finally had to let go. First, I did everything I could to drag out that morning before the service. I just didn't want it to be time. We were late to the service, went in the wrong door, etc. Just that type of chaos. The funeral, however, was as beautiful and painful as it could be. We were surrounded in love and those that were there were our closest friends and family. I was not at all prepared for his burial. I had to have them wait and open the casket so I could see him one more time. Mom had a letter for him, so I laid that with him as well. I did not want to let go or leave. I just couldn't move. Finally Kara had to just put her arms around me and walk me to the car. It was beyond hell. It was like a piece of me stayed there and died right along with him. I know I will never be the same. I don't even remember what life was like before this.