I wish I had the words to express my heavy heart today. I have been deep in thought lately and I can finally admit to myself that I am searching...I am just not sure what I am searching for. Those times in your life when you feel the need for change, but have no idea what you are needing to change. I've been really down and just sort of scattered lately. It is what Shannon may call grumpy, but I prefer to call it "stressed." I am just restless and I am not sure if it is due to re-living the journey with Kade through my posts or if it just life in general. There is so much I think and feel in a day that it is no wonder I am exhausted all the time. I feel like my mind has just been going and going without rest. Ugh, that feeling can make you nuts. I wish I could figure out all the answers. The answers to making those around me happy, the answers to all of life's tough questions, and the answers to every working mother's greatest fear-that our children will some how resent us someday for going to work each and every day and for those of us workaholics-all day every day and some evenings.
I am so darn proud of my kids and I never want them to think I chose to leave them or chose work over them. Everything I have done is for them. I honestly have no idea what I did before I had children.! I know I was sad and lonely and although it is the hardest job I have ever done, it is worth every blood, sweat, and tear moment the world can throw at me. I just feel like I could do so much better than what I do...I yell at Kins as I am always late-as if that should make it her emergency to get around faster. I feel as though I see Karsyn just long enough to pass her off to the next sitter..all those frustrating thoughts that can a woman go unhinged. I am nothing without my family and I would give anything to be with them all day, every day. However, I also prefer to have food on the table, so that is not an option and I home some day the girls understand that.
So to all the working moms, I think we have to learn to forgive ourselves and move on. Not many can do what we do in a day and we should be proud that we help provide for our families and as long as we put the kids first when we are spending quality time with them, I truly believe they'll turn out just fine. Come check out the post and 20 years and I'll let you know how that theory works out.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Letters to Kade: June 3, 2007
Hey Little Man...
You are growing! Your movements are bigger and stronger. You move a lot and I love it!
You are on my mind all the time and I am cherishing every moment I have with you. I am so grateful to be your mother! You are a miracle and I will always be thankful for you.
It breaks my heart that I can't keep you for long and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't change the anencephaly if I could. Sometimes I just get so sad and mad that I have to let you return to God. The selfish part of me wants you here and wants to see you grow up and do all the things children are "supposed" to do.
I can't wait to meet you and hold you-I just want you to feel how much you are loved. We all love you little man.
Top to Toe,
Mommy
You are growing! Your movements are bigger and stronger. You move a lot and I love it!
You are on my mind all the time and I am cherishing every moment I have with you. I am so grateful to be your mother! You are a miracle and I will always be thankful for you.
It breaks my heart that I can't keep you for long and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't change the anencephaly if I could. Sometimes I just get so sad and mad that I have to let you return to God. The selfish part of me wants you here and wants to see you grow up and do all the things children are "supposed" to do.
I can't wait to meet you and hold you-I just want you to feel how much you are loved. We all love you little man.
Top to Toe,
Mommy
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Journal Entry: June 3, 2007
June 3, 2007
Kade has been kicking and flopping, moving constantly. He moves a lot and I can feel him getting bigger and stronger. It's amazing. Pregnancy is the biggest blessing. There is nothing like the feeling of having a life forming and living inside you. It's got to be one of God's greatest gifts. I am so thankful and blessed to get to be pregnant twice. I'd be lying if I said all my emotions are thankful and positive. As hard as I try, I do get mad, I do get sad. There are times I just sit and cry or throw things. I don't see myself as "brave" or righteous. I see myself as a mom who wants as much time as God allows with her son. I want to see his face-I want to hold him, and dress him. I want him to feel all the love so many people have for him. I can't imagine how hard the ending is going to be-I don't even pretend to fathom it-but for months, I've gotten to cherish my time with him. He's my son and to me, there's no other choice.
During our trip to Tulsa this weekend, I told Nonny about Kade, and it was so tough. However, she had so much wisdom to share and that helped me a lot. I had one of those moments when we got back-those moments that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. I was cleaning out the spare bedroom closet and on the floor in the back was a study guide. It is a biblical study guide Nonny had given me when Chris and Casey died that had scripture on death. Of course, back then, I just threw it somewhere and honestly, I am surprised I had kept it all these years and through moving houses, etc. There it was...open to the story of David and the loss of his son; Samuel 12: 22-23
He answered "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, "Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live." But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
I hear you Lord, I hear you.
Kade has been kicking and flopping, moving constantly. He moves a lot and I can feel him getting bigger and stronger. It's amazing. Pregnancy is the biggest blessing. There is nothing like the feeling of having a life forming and living inside you. It's got to be one of God's greatest gifts. I am so thankful and blessed to get to be pregnant twice. I'd be lying if I said all my emotions are thankful and positive. As hard as I try, I do get mad, I do get sad. There are times I just sit and cry or throw things. I don't see myself as "brave" or righteous. I see myself as a mom who wants as much time as God allows with her son. I want to see his face-I want to hold him, and dress him. I want him to feel all the love so many people have for him. I can't imagine how hard the ending is going to be-I don't even pretend to fathom it-but for months, I've gotten to cherish my time with him. He's my son and to me, there's no other choice.
During our trip to Tulsa this weekend, I told Nonny about Kade, and it was so tough. However, she had so much wisdom to share and that helped me a lot. I had one of those moments when we got back-those moments that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. I was cleaning out the spare bedroom closet and on the floor in the back was a study guide. It is a biblical study guide Nonny had given me when Chris and Casey died that had scripture on death. Of course, back then, I just threw it somewhere and honestly, I am surprised I had kept it all these years and through moving houses, etc. There it was...open to the story of David and the loss of his son; Samuel 12: 22-23
He answered "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, "Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live." But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
I hear you Lord, I hear you.
Letters to Kade: May 27, 2007
Dear Kade,
You are growing! I can feel you kick and punch now as well as see my stomach move when you do! I want you to know that you are an amazing boy-you've fought through all odds to get this far and with your weak little heart, you've fought an amazing battle. I am so proud to call you my son.
You are blessing to me each and every day. Please remember me when you get to Heaven. I pray you watch over us and smile down on us occasionally. I will always wonder what your life would be like if you'd lived. I will always think of you an the time I've had with you.
I love you Kade. You are and always will be mommy's little boy.
You are growing! I can feel you kick and punch now as well as see my stomach move when you do! I want you to know that you are an amazing boy-you've fought through all odds to get this far and with your weak little heart, you've fought an amazing battle. I am so proud to call you my son.
You are blessing to me each and every day. Please remember me when you get to Heaven. I pray you watch over us and smile down on us occasionally. I will always wonder what your life would be like if you'd lived. I will always think of you an the time I've had with you.
I love you Kade. You are and always will be mommy's little boy.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Just Another Day in Paradise
So today was just one of those days that makes you thankful. Although life is always crazy in our household, today was just one of those laid back days were everyone is actually sort of calm and we had time to play and just enjoy being together this evening. I've started a book for Kinsley of all the funny things she says and today I got to add some good ones.
Me: Kinsley where are we going tomorrow?
Kinsley: "Fieldtrip!"
Me: Where to?
Kinsley: "The field!"
So apparently she is just excited to go anywhere! All this girl needs is a school bus and she is happy to go.
On the way to school, Kinsley shows me her library book on ducks (as if we had not read it 50 times the night before) and she informs me that a particular duck is a male duck.
Me: Yes, it does say he is a male duck.
Kinsley: He is fat just like a mail bag, so that is why he is a male duck!
Love having a glimpse into her little thinking process. So funny how kids put these things together in their minds. I forget sometimes to just sit back and enjoy this stage. I feel as though we are always rushing from here to there and she hears "hurry up" more than the I love yous. Then I see her with other children, and she is so compassionate and caring and it reminds me that we must be doing something right.
Speaking of Kinsley, apparently sleep is not her agenda tonight as she just came walking in and is talking a hundred miles a minute. Going to be a long night...sigh
Me: Kinsley where are we going tomorrow?
Kinsley: "Fieldtrip!"
Me: Where to?
Kinsley: "The field!"
So apparently she is just excited to go anywhere! All this girl needs is a school bus and she is happy to go.
On the way to school, Kinsley shows me her library book on ducks (as if we had not read it 50 times the night before) and she informs me that a particular duck is a male duck.
Me: Yes, it does say he is a male duck.
Kinsley: He is fat just like a mail bag, so that is why he is a male duck!
Love having a glimpse into her little thinking process. So funny how kids put these things together in their minds. I forget sometimes to just sit back and enjoy this stage. I feel as though we are always rushing from here to there and she hears "hurry up" more than the I love yous. Then I see her with other children, and she is so compassionate and caring and it reminds me that we must be doing something right.
Speaking of Kinsley, apparently sleep is not her agenda tonight as she just came walking in and is talking a hundred miles a minute. Going to be a long night...sigh
Letters to Kade: May 20, 2007/Journal Entry: May 28, 2007
Dearest Kade,
You are such an athlete! You've been moving and kicking mommy like crazy! I feel like the luckiest mom in the world each time you kick me! I'm truly enjoying this time with you and I hope you can feel how much you are loved!
I got the ring with your name on it Friday and I smile each time I glance down at it. I sleep with the blanket I've bought for you each night. It brings me some comfort. I think you'll be coming to meet us pretty soon. I've had some weird feelings lately and I think you might come early.
Some days I don't have any idea how I'll leave the hospital without you. I have to keep telling myself that you need God and that you have so many people in Heaven waiting to hold you.
I love you so much sweet boy. You are my sunshine.
Journal Entry: May 28, 2007
The baby is getting lower and the cramps come more often. He just kicks and kicks-I cherish each one. I have to enjoy this time with him, it's all the time I will get. I pray that I get to meet him alive. I just ask for a minute or two to tell him I love him, watch him breathe, and grasp his little hands. I have no idea what to expect or the grief and pain that lies ahead. I've read the websites, books, etc. but I know in my heart that nothing can truly prepare us.
I love his name-Kade Daniel. It's a great, strong name. He's such a fighter-he's been so strong. Bless his heart-I can't imagine the fight he's given. His little heart is weak, the anomalies-and the still hangs on. At his doctor's appointment, his heartbeat sounded strong. I didn't get an ultrasound this time and was so disappointed. I feel better when I get to "see" him. I've thought a lot lately about his death. I will have to lay my child into the earth-a cold, dry, place of dirt. I know it will be his earthly body, but that's all I know-his earthly self. I will have to say goodbye to him, leave the hospital with out him, and once he's at the funeral home, that will be the last time I see him. The fear of death has always paralyzed me; now it is real and in my face. How do you heal from the death of your child? How do you say goodbye? I also think how this will affect Kinsley. She'll know somethings wrong. Someday, I'll get to tell her about her brother, show her pictures. She'll always be a big sister ...
You are such an athlete! You've been moving and kicking mommy like crazy! I feel like the luckiest mom in the world each time you kick me! I'm truly enjoying this time with you and I hope you can feel how much you are loved!
I got the ring with your name on it Friday and I smile each time I glance down at it. I sleep with the blanket I've bought for you each night. It brings me some comfort. I think you'll be coming to meet us pretty soon. I've had some weird feelings lately and I think you might come early.
Some days I don't have any idea how I'll leave the hospital without you. I have to keep telling myself that you need God and that you have so many people in Heaven waiting to hold you.
I love you so much sweet boy. You are my sunshine.
Journal Entry: May 28, 2007
The baby is getting lower and the cramps come more often. He just kicks and kicks-I cherish each one. I have to enjoy this time with him, it's all the time I will get. I pray that I get to meet him alive. I just ask for a minute or two to tell him I love him, watch him breathe, and grasp his little hands. I have no idea what to expect or the grief and pain that lies ahead. I've read the websites, books, etc. but I know in my heart that nothing can truly prepare us.
I love his name-Kade Daniel. It's a great, strong name. He's such a fighter-he's been so strong. Bless his heart-I can't imagine the fight he's given. His little heart is weak, the anomalies-and the still hangs on. At his doctor's appointment, his heartbeat sounded strong. I didn't get an ultrasound this time and was so disappointed. I feel better when I get to "see" him. I've thought a lot lately about his death. I will have to lay my child into the earth-a cold, dry, place of dirt. I know it will be his earthly body, but that's all I know-his earthly self. I will have to say goodbye to him, leave the hospital with out him, and once he's at the funeral home, that will be the last time I see him. The fear of death has always paralyzed me; now it is real and in my face. How do you heal from the death of your child? How do you say goodbye? I also think how this will affect Kinsley. She'll know somethings wrong. Someday, I'll get to tell her about her brother, show her pictures. She'll always be a big sister ...
Monday, September 27, 2010
Letters to Kade: May 12, 2007/ Journal 5/9/07
Dearest Kade,
Today is Mother's Day and the day has been bittersweet for me. I am so thankful to be a mommy and for you and your sister. The hard part is I know I'll have to let you go. You've been really active this week-but you haven't moved much yesterday or today. Maybe you are just tired :)
Tomorrow is our next doctor's appointment and I am so ready to get to see you on that screen! It lets me know that you are ok and that you are still fighting. You usually even give us a little "wave." You are such a sweet boy!
I love you so much and I hope you know I love you little one!
Journal Entry May 9, 2007:
For my birthday I picked out a ring and had it engraved with Kade's name. As it gets closer to delivery date, the harder it's getting. He's so real to me-he's just like a "normal" baby. It's still numbing when I think of the outcome of all this. I feel like it's a nightmare every time I reflect on it. I have to believe God has a plan-that this has been for a reason. I just can't fathom a reasoning. Life is just hard. This baby has been such a wake up call. on how we live our life on a daily basis. Out of the grief has come a lesson in living.
Today is Mother's Day and the day has been bittersweet for me. I am so thankful to be a mommy and for you and your sister. The hard part is I know I'll have to let you go. You've been really active this week-but you haven't moved much yesterday or today. Maybe you are just tired :)
Tomorrow is our next doctor's appointment and I am so ready to get to see you on that screen! It lets me know that you are ok and that you are still fighting. You usually even give us a little "wave." You are such a sweet boy!
I love you so much and I hope you know I love you little one!
Journal Entry May 9, 2007:
For my birthday I picked out a ring and had it engraved with Kade's name. As it gets closer to delivery date, the harder it's getting. He's so real to me-he's just like a "normal" baby. It's still numbing when I think of the outcome of all this. I feel like it's a nightmare every time I reflect on it. I have to believe God has a plan-that this has been for a reason. I just can't fathom a reasoning. Life is just hard. This baby has been such a wake up call. on how we live our life on a daily basis. Out of the grief has come a lesson in living.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Letters to Kade: May 6, 2007 and Journal 4/30/07
5/6/2007
Today is Mommy's birthday. I thought about you all day-grieving for the birthdays you won't get to have, but also joyful that I will get to see and cherish the greatest birthday of them all! You've been moving a lot lately and I just cherish each movement. You are such a huge part of me and the love I have for you is unfathomable. You are wanted...you are loved...and you are my dear sweet boy. I am so proud to be your mommy! I love you. xoxoxo
Journal Entry 4/30/2007
God created my son's life and it is in God's hands when his life ceases. I am now 24 weeks along and every day is a struggle. A bad dream, a cruel reality...My son will die. I have to pick out a casket, plan a funeral, and always wondering "what if." Who would he be, who would he look/act like? I have ok days-then I have really sad ones. I know I have to have faith and give the hurt to God. I also know that the mother in me is going to hurt-going to mourn my child-and I know that God loves me and allows me that emotion. Sometimes it is hard to have faith or find a way to grasp not blaming God or being angry at God. That is the human in me I guess.
I want this little boy so much and I want to love and hold him. I want to tell him Mommy loves him and to tell him it will be ok. He just kicked me! I thank God for all those little movements. Each one is a cherished movement that tells me he is still fighting. He's such a little fighter. There are so many loved ones in Heaven waiting to love him-at least I have that comfort. I love you little one.
Today is Mommy's birthday. I thought about you all day-grieving for the birthdays you won't get to have, but also joyful that I will get to see and cherish the greatest birthday of them all! You've been moving a lot lately and I just cherish each movement. You are such a huge part of me and the love I have for you is unfathomable. You are wanted...you are loved...and you are my dear sweet boy. I am so proud to be your mommy! I love you. xoxoxo
Journal Entry 4/30/2007
God created my son's life and it is in God's hands when his life ceases. I am now 24 weeks along and every day is a struggle. A bad dream, a cruel reality...My son will die. I have to pick out a casket, plan a funeral, and always wondering "what if." Who would he be, who would he look/act like? I have ok days-then I have really sad ones. I know I have to have faith and give the hurt to God. I also know that the mother in me is going to hurt-going to mourn my child-and I know that God loves me and allows me that emotion. Sometimes it is hard to have faith or find a way to grasp not blaming God or being angry at God. That is the human in me I guess.
I want this little boy so much and I want to love and hold him. I want to tell him Mommy loves him and to tell him it will be ok. He just kicked me! I thank God for all those little movements. Each one is a cherished movement that tells me he is still fighting. He's such a little fighter. There are so many loved ones in Heaven waiting to love him-at least I have that comfort. I love you little one.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Look beyond the "sad"
This blog has been a blessing and yet it throws me entirely out of my comfort zone. I am a pretty private person these days and I don't share a lot with just anyone. When Shannon read the blog, he was really outside of his comfort zone. He is EXTREMELY private about Kade and not many people have heard him talk about his son. This is the man who built his son's casket without saying a word to anyone-I didn't even know about it until it was almost completed. Not that he minds me blogging this information, he just doesn't understand why I' d want to. The why and why now is pretty easy. The why is because when we got home from the specialist and through the next few months, I felt so alone. The only thing getting me out of bed each morning was the beautiful little girl who needed me. I kept going for her. I took comfort in reading other parent's stories and found others who felt the pain I was feeling. The why now is a little complicated as it has actually been in the works for the last 3 years. About a week after Kade's funeral, I was ready to get a website up and running, etc when I received a great piece of advice from a nurse trained in grief counseling ( the hospital provides this when an infant is born still ). She said "Give it six months, give it a year. You need to feel your grief before you can help others." She was right. I needed to experience the grief...the whole process. I honestly would have had nothing to offer then-I am still n0t 100% confident in sharing our journey with others.
I had a support group parent ask me how these posts were supposed to help-it just made them sad. You have to look past the "sad" of it. Yes, it is sad, and yes it is emotional, but you have to look beyond that. As I post the journal and letters, you'll see that there is so much more to the story. There is hope, love, and strength in it all. Kade's journey changed us all. Changed the way we live, changed the way we love, and it made us stronger individually and as a family. I hope it helps in that you know you are not alone-that someone has felt that pain, has made those difficult decisions, and survived it. In the moment, you have no idea how you'll ever survive it, how you'll go on, and I wish I had all the answers, but all I can say is you just do. You just take it one day at a time and each day leads to the next. I don't agree with "time heals all wounds"...honestly, that is crap. Time won't make the hurt go away-it may make it easier to get up each morning-but from my experience, that hole in your heart will always be there. But I see that as a good thing-each day I have a reminder of what I have and what I've lost; what has made me who I am and there is no doubt Kade made me a better person. I am a better person and a better parent. As much as I hate to quote Garth, I could have missed pain, but I would have had to miss the dance; I wouldn't have missed that dance for anything. I would gladly have given my life for Kade to live, but that wasn't an option. I wouldn't change anything we did in dealing with the hand life dealt us.
I have had people say we were "brave" or "so strong" and while I appreciate the compliment, it would be a lie to say that is true. I was scared every single day and always questioning myself. I was only strong around others...I will fully admit that I cried myself to sleep almost every night for almost a year. The only strength I had came from close friends and family. It wasn't something I woke up with each day. I just kept everything so private that no one on the outside knew how I was completely broken on the inside. However, out of that grief came compassion for others and a relationship with myself that I'd never had before. It is amazing what you learn about yourself in the darkest hours...it isn't always pretty, but I think you make the choice to either let it consume you or to come out fighting. I fought for sanity, I fought for some type of normalcy, I fought to keep life as normal as I possibly could for Kinsley. That was so important to me. Ultimately, we all handle life differently; we all choose a path. I can't say what the correct path is for anyone else. Kade's journey taught me all I can do is wake up each day and hope that the path I choose to take is one I can live with, one my family and children would be proud of, and that leads me home to my Creator at the end of my days.
I had a support group parent ask me how these posts were supposed to help-it just made them sad. You have to look past the "sad" of it. Yes, it is sad, and yes it is emotional, but you have to look beyond that. As I post the journal and letters, you'll see that there is so much more to the story. There is hope, love, and strength in it all. Kade's journey changed us all. Changed the way we live, changed the way we love, and it made us stronger individually and as a family. I hope it helps in that you know you are not alone-that someone has felt that pain, has made those difficult decisions, and survived it. In the moment, you have no idea how you'll ever survive it, how you'll go on, and I wish I had all the answers, but all I can say is you just do. You just take it one day at a time and each day leads to the next. I don't agree with "time heals all wounds"...honestly, that is crap. Time won't make the hurt go away-it may make it easier to get up each morning-but from my experience, that hole in your heart will always be there. But I see that as a good thing-each day I have a reminder of what I have and what I've lost; what has made me who I am and there is no doubt Kade made me a better person. I am a better person and a better parent. As much as I hate to quote Garth, I could have missed pain, but I would have had to miss the dance; I wouldn't have missed that dance for anything. I would gladly have given my life for Kade to live, but that wasn't an option. I wouldn't change anything we did in dealing with the hand life dealt us.
I have had people say we were "brave" or "so strong" and while I appreciate the compliment, it would be a lie to say that is true. I was scared every single day and always questioning myself. I was only strong around others...I will fully admit that I cried myself to sleep almost every night for almost a year. The only strength I had came from close friends and family. It wasn't something I woke up with each day. I just kept everything so private that no one on the outside knew how I was completely broken on the inside. However, out of that grief came compassion for others and a relationship with myself that I'd never had before. It is amazing what you learn about yourself in the darkest hours...it isn't always pretty, but I think you make the choice to either let it consume you or to come out fighting. I fought for sanity, I fought for some type of normalcy, I fought to keep life as normal as I possibly could for Kinsley. That was so important to me. Ultimately, we all handle life differently; we all choose a path. I can't say what the correct path is for anyone else. Kade's journey taught me all I can do is wake up each day and hope that the path I choose to take is one I can live with, one my family and children would be proud of, and that leads me home to my Creator at the end of my days.
Letters to Kade: May 2, 2007
Dearest boy,
God created a miracle when he created you. We found out on Christmas Eve day that you were joining our family. I could not have been happier! Early on, I knew something was different. I felt different and I hurt a lot. The doctor told me it was placenta privia. I knew I was worried but I knew that it was common so I was ok. Then on a Tuesday afternoon, the nurse called and said our Trisomy 18 test was high. She said not to worry-only 1 in 17 years of nursing had a positive test actually been correct. I really did not think much more about it. The next Monday we went the specialist. There was 1 in 10 chance you had anencephaly, 1 in 11% that you had a Trisomy 18 defect.
When the ultrasound tech came in and began, we saw you-you are so beautiful! You look big and healthy! You moved, waved, etc. Then she showed us the boy parts-we were estatic! A boy! Our extreme delight did not last long. The doctor came in and began an ultrasound. He wouldn't answer any questions and I began to fear the worst. I had no idea h ow bad the worst was! At the end, he told me you have anencephaly-a neural tube defect where part of the brain and/or skull does not form (it is a very random defect in that it affects each case differently, some more severe than others.) It is fatal. He told us you'll be born stillborn or die soon after birth. Mommy's heart broke in pieces after the shock. He told us we'd be better of aborting you, you were not a "viable fetus." I couldn't even comprehend what he was telling me! When we left, we got to the elevators and daddy put his arm around me and I lost it. I cried all the way home. Telling your Grammy and Grandpa the news was even harder! They already love you so much! We all do!
I am carrying you because you are my son and I love you beyond belief. Every time you kick me-I feel so blessed. You move mainly at night and kick when I lay down. Your sister pats my belly and says "Bubba."
To me, you are perfect. I want to hold you and tell you how much I love you. I want to protect you. I want to tell you not to be afraid. There are so many people in Heaven waiting to hold you! I know aunt Kimmy will take such good care of you and rock you since I can't. I am so proud of you my dearest boy. You've been such a fighter. If you can-keep fighting. If you can't-or if you hurt-it is ok to let go sweet boy. I'll meet you in Heaven. I will love you and miss you every day of my life.
I know I'll get to hold you in Heaven and get to know you in that beautiful place. We all love you so very much sweet baby.
God created a miracle when he created you. We found out on Christmas Eve day that you were joining our family. I could not have been happier! Early on, I knew something was different. I felt different and I hurt a lot. The doctor told me it was placenta privia. I knew I was worried but I knew that it was common so I was ok. Then on a Tuesday afternoon, the nurse called and said our Trisomy 18 test was high. She said not to worry-only 1 in 17 years of nursing had a positive test actually been correct. I really did not think much more about it. The next Monday we went the specialist. There was 1 in 10 chance you had anencephaly, 1 in 11% that you had a Trisomy 18 defect.
When the ultrasound tech came in and began, we saw you-you are so beautiful! You look big and healthy! You moved, waved, etc. Then she showed us the boy parts-we were estatic! A boy! Our extreme delight did not last long. The doctor came in and began an ultrasound. He wouldn't answer any questions and I began to fear the worst. I had no idea h ow bad the worst was! At the end, he told me you have anencephaly-a neural tube defect where part of the brain and/or skull does not form (it is a very random defect in that it affects each case differently, some more severe than others.) It is fatal. He told us you'll be born stillborn or die soon after birth. Mommy's heart broke in pieces after the shock. He told us we'd be better of aborting you, you were not a "viable fetus." I couldn't even comprehend what he was telling me! When we left, we got to the elevators and daddy put his arm around me and I lost it. I cried all the way home. Telling your Grammy and Grandpa the news was even harder! They already love you so much! We all do!
I am carrying you because you are my son and I love you beyond belief. Every time you kick me-I feel so blessed. You move mainly at night and kick when I lay down. Your sister pats my belly and says "Bubba."
To me, you are perfect. I want to hold you and tell you how much I love you. I want to protect you. I want to tell you not to be afraid. There are so many people in Heaven waiting to hold you! I know aunt Kimmy will take such good care of you and rock you since I can't. I am so proud of you my dearest boy. You've been such a fighter. If you can-keep fighting. If you can't-or if you hurt-it is ok to let go sweet boy. I'll meet you in Heaven. I will love you and miss you every day of my life.
I know I'll get to hold you in Heaven and get to know you in that beautiful place. We all love you so very much sweet baby.
Journal Entry: March 28, 2007
March 28, 2007 Journal Entry
If hell had a face on earth, this has to be it. How life can flip upside down in a heartbeat is cruel. I don't know how to wrap my brain around this-or comprehend any of it. I just want to wake up and it all be a dream. A terrible nightmare that will go away. If Kinsley weren't here I'd go insane. She's been my saving grace. How can God give such a beautiful gift and then take it away before we've gotten a chance to love him or touch him? I want to hold my little boy-kiss him-and tell him how much his mommy loves him. I've felt him move-I've fought hard to keep this pregnancy-how do I do anything to hurt him? He's my son. He's my baby. He's real-his heart beats-he's alive and viable inside me. He's a little person and he's fighting so hard, bless his heart. He's a fighter. How do you tell someone to choose how to let your baby die? You can either terminate him or carry him and watch him die in your arms. This has to be a nightmare. Life can't be this cruel. It just can't be. How can any mother say "well he'll die anyway, so let's just kill him early??" I CAN'T, but I also can't bring him into this world as have him suffer. I can't do that either. The Internet research didn't help-that just made it more traumatic and real. I am so blessed with Kinsley and I know that, but that doesn't take the pain of this away. There's no way to make this hurt less or make it all make sense. I am so angry , so scared, and just so damn sad. My heart is so broken and I honestly feel as though I am broken. My poor baby is broken. His ultrasound showed us though how beautiful he is-he's active and has a personality all his own already. He's my son and I already love him-I LOVE HIM-why is that not enough. What could have been done? Is this God' way of punishing me? Is this my fault? I can't help but think that I could have done something differently. This has to be my fault-how can anything else make sense? Surely God can't be responsible. How can He love us unconditionally then up this out there? Why or how could He do this to an innocent child? How will I ever be able to make it through this? How do I let him go? Please let this be a terrible nightmare. Please don't let it be real. God help me.
If hell had a face on earth, this has to be it. How life can flip upside down in a heartbeat is cruel. I don't know how to wrap my brain around this-or comprehend any of it. I just want to wake up and it all be a dream. A terrible nightmare that will go away. If Kinsley weren't here I'd go insane. She's been my saving grace. How can God give such a beautiful gift and then take it away before we've gotten a chance to love him or touch him? I want to hold my little boy-kiss him-and tell him how much his mommy loves him. I've felt him move-I've fought hard to keep this pregnancy-how do I do anything to hurt him? He's my son. He's my baby. He's real-his heart beats-he's alive and viable inside me. He's a little person and he's fighting so hard, bless his heart. He's a fighter. How do you tell someone to choose how to let your baby die? You can either terminate him or carry him and watch him die in your arms. This has to be a nightmare. Life can't be this cruel. It just can't be. How can any mother say "well he'll die anyway, so let's just kill him early??" I CAN'T, but I also can't bring him into this world as have him suffer. I can't do that either. The Internet research didn't help-that just made it more traumatic and real. I am so blessed with Kinsley and I know that, but that doesn't take the pain of this away. There's no way to make this hurt less or make it all make sense. I am so angry , so scared, and just so damn sad. My heart is so broken and I honestly feel as though I am broken. My poor baby is broken. His ultrasound showed us though how beautiful he is-he's active and has a personality all his own already. He's my son and I already love him-I LOVE HIM-why is that not enough. What could have been done? Is this God' way of punishing me? Is this my fault? I can't help but think that I could have done something differently. This has to be my fault-how can anything else make sense? Surely God can't be responsible. How can He love us unconditionally then up this out there? Why or how could He do this to an innocent child? How will I ever be able to make it through this? How do I let him go? Please let this be a terrible nightmare. Please don't let it be real. God help me.
D Day
In March 0f 2007, I was 4 months pregnant with our son, Kade. At 19/20 weeks, we went for an appointment with a specialist due to a high risk test coming back abnormal. Our OB's nurse told us not to worry, these often came back as false positives, and that in the 17 years experience, only one case had actually been a true positive. We sat in a room with large flat screen tv-Shannon next to me and Kinsley sitting next to me on the table. The tech comes n and shows us our beautiful baby boy (obvious boy) and we were ecstatic! She measures, does her thing, etc and points out various parts of his body as any normal ultrasound tech does. He was even sucking his thumb! It takes a while for the doctor to come in and his ultrasound lasted almost an hour. He wouldn't answer our questions, etc and we had the feeling something was very wrong. At the end of the ultrasound, he states, emotionless, "the fetus has a fatal birth defect. Anencephaly. It is fatal and nothing I see here looks good. You will need to decide by 25 weeks if you want to keep the pregnancy or abort the fetus." Needless to say, I didn't comprehend anything he said. I was in shock. Looking back, I am surprised I didn't punch him in the nose (the Bates temper gets the best of me sometimes). We left there with zero information on the birth defect-they did not even write it down for us-we just left with our sorrow and confusion. I remember making it to the elevator and just losing it. Standing there with my husband and daughter holding me, bawling. It is one of those moments you see in movies where time just stands still and you have no care as to what is going on around you. We walked all the way out to the pick up that way. I remember not wanting to scare Kinsley, yet having no way of controlling myself. The first person I called was Kara and I had no idea what to say...I just needed to hear her voice. I dreaded calling my parents. I knew they'd be heard broken and devastated. Bless her heart, Kara offered herself up to call them, but I knew I had to do it. Telling them was as hard as hearing it myself. In the days to come, I received numerous advice from numerous people. Random people. People who had not been a part of our lives, had stopped being a part of our lives, and then of course, those closest to us. Everyone for some reason thought they got to have an opinion on whether or not we chose to carry our son to term. I can not tell you how many times I wanted to scream "Who in the hell do you think you are???" In a quick moment, I became a very private, withdrawn person. I suddenly wanted no part of who I was or our life before this. It was a tragedy no one could understand, a decision I could not possibly make, and a feeling of complete confusion I could not explain. After much soul searching, I just couldn't abort Kade. To me, it was God's decision as to when and how Kade left this Earth, not mine. As any mother knows, it is our job to protect our children. We'd gladly give ourselves to save our children, keep them from pain or discomfort. I knew I'd love and protect him as long as God allowed me to. So while this story spans over many months, this is it in a quick summary. I began a journal containing letters to Kade-an idea I had read on the Anencephaly support group website. I am so thankful for this advice as in the moment, you don't realize or remember what is happening, but now I can go back and read these and know that I did my best to be the best mommy to Kade as I could while we shared his time with us. Kade's letters were burried with him on August 18, 2007.
Friday, September 24, 2010
A Mother's Journey
So I've been going through all my journals from our journey with Kade and have been trying to put them into some type of order or story. As part of the anencephaly support group, I'd like to have our story posted to where parents new to the diagnosis can read his story. I found it helpful when we received his diagnosis and were left with nothing on the fatal birth defect. No even the spelling of the disorder...try googling "anencephaly" without having a clue how it is spelt. The Internet was so cruel....wish I'd never googled it. Most posts were so far from the truth of the babies with this birth defect-at least in Kade's case they were way off. I'll never forget landing on YouTube and they actually had videos of babies with anencephaly...making rude, cruel jokes about them dying. Who does that??? Disappointments in humanity that those people actually exist. Not that I wouldn't want to meet them in person...I am pretty damn sure I'd have no problem taking them out....we live in the country..plenty of places to hide the evidence :) Just kidding; sort of. How people like that exist is beyond me. I have not been back on YouTube since that day...disappointments me they'd allow people to post stuff like that. Well, that is my rant. Back to my point, I am trying to compile all these journals into something that may help others. I don't know that anything ever really helps, but it made a difference to know that someone else could understand. It's funny how at times reading the journals makes me feel better and at other times, takes me to a dark place. It's a roller coaster ride that doesn't end and you never know when the next hill will be just around the corner. Anger, grief, sadness, anger, grief, it just goes in circles...high, low, high, low. I'll start posting these entries with the next blog and hope that I am able to complete the task without losing my mind all over again.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
I'm Moving On
So I am at that point to where I know I need a change, but not sure what that change should be. I have always known where I was going, what I was meant to do, or thought I was meant to do. I was an excellent educator. I was confident in my teaching abilities and I know I had a natural ability to educate. However, I don't know that after the first two years, that I really loved teaching. I came home frustrated, upset, and stressed all the time. With sales, I love going from place to place and meeting new people, getting to see familiar faces and I enjoy seeing my work on the cheerleaders. It is always amazing to see your ideas come together. However, I wonder sometimes if I am too nice for sales If maybe I wasn't meant to sell, sell, sell. If that is the case,then where does that leave me? I NEED to work...a one income family just is not an option for us. I also need to work for my sanity. Sometimes I feel like I just woke up one day and started questioning what I was meant to do, who I was meant to be. I want to do so many different things, and try so many different occupations. One day I want to go back to teaching, another day I want to become a photographer, cup cake maker, go into the medical field, etc. It is always something. Makes me worry a bit that I am always looking for something else instead of just being happy where I am and with what I have. Many people would love to have my career and most of the time it is nice....but I spend so many hours working that I know quality time with my kids is suffering. So, so frustrating. Wouldn't a crystal ball come in handy about now? Would be fantastic to have that fairy god mother to tell me what decisions to make. I could use that assurance about now. I don't want to be that person that is always job jumping. I want to build my career and grow in that career. I am too determined to accept anything less than that. May the answers come soon so I don't lose my mind.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
"Mommy, why do you have to go to work?"
Ahhh...the question I wish I had the answer to. Kinsley asked me this tonight as I sat down to enter orders. I left her early this morning, got home late, and then had to enter orders once I was home. Bless her heart, I wonder often how abandoned she must feel. This job has began to consume me and it makes me sad for my girls and for me. I LOVE what I do, but I've got to find a way to make it more manageable and stop letting it control me. If I've learned anything over the last three years is that life is too short and God forbid something happen to me, I don't want my girls to just remember me working all the time. I am all for women's liberation, etc. but there are times I wish we could go back to a simpler time when women could afford to stay home and provide for their family from home. I feel so much pressure trying to be it all and do it all. Most moms I know feel the exact same. Of course, I am that person that would always have to have a hobby or career on the side to keep my sanity.
Funny how life brings you to those gut-check moments where you have to decide what is more important. That cross roads where you know once you decide which direction you want to go, you have to travel it as there is no turning back. I see those crossroads quickly approaching and I hope when I reach them, I am prepared and have done enough soul searching to know my answers. At the end of the day, I just want as much time with my daughter's as possible and I don't want to miss a thing. No regrets ten years down the road when I look up and they are
teenagers who are way to cool to hang out with mom.
The answers will come-they always do.
Funny how life brings you to those gut-check moments where you have to decide what is more important. That cross roads where you know once you decide which direction you want to go, you have to travel it as there is no turning back. I see those crossroads quickly approaching and I hope when I reach them, I am prepared and have done enough soul searching to know my answers. At the end of the day, I just want as much time with my daughter's as possible and I don't want to miss a thing. No regrets ten years down the road when I look up and they are
teenagers who are way to cool to hang out with mom.
The answers will come-they always do.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Kade Day
So today is what I've come to call a "Kade Day." It is where I tend to gravitate towards the "what ifs" of had Kade lived or not been born with his birth defect. After Kade was born, I went through shock, then anger, then sadness and so on. I wasn't sure I ever wanted to try again..luckily God had a bigger plan and blessed us with Karsyn. I know a lot of people think having another child in some ways makes it easier, but for me it actually made it worse...if that is possible. It makes me think of all the what ifs and hits me like a ton of bricks that I am missing all Kade's milestones. I wonder what he'd look like, what he'd be like, would he act like his sisters, would he be a daddy's boy or a Mommy's boy, and so on.
I can't begin to explain of how many ways I feel guilty. What if I had taken more vitamins, what if I had done something differently....the hardest part of his diagnosis was that there was no explanation. No reason for his defect, no scientific finding. Not that it would have helped the heart ache, but at least we'd know what happened. I have heard over and over that "God has a bigger plan." and "this was his plan for Kade." REALLY??? Taking a precious child's life was part of His master plan...to bring two loving parents to their knees in grief??? I just have a really hard time accepting that our Creator had that in mind. None of that makes sense or matches up with the bible lessons I learned growing up. Another jump into the unknown. I choose to believe that God's plan was to choose us to carry our son, knowing he'd be loved and cherished. Maybe He knew the outcome and blessed us to care for Kade for his little time on earth. I truly mean it when I say holding him and kissing his sweet face was worth the heartache of what was to follow. Feeling him kick, watching him suck his thumb and kick in the ultrasounds, holding him and seeing that sweet, chubby cheeked little boy face was well worth the pain. I wouldn't have done a thing differently. Of course I'd trade it for a different outcome, but that is just stating the obvious.
It is so odd to think back on all the times I thought I knew pain or thought I was experiencing heart ache. Losing Kade brought on a whole new meaning to pain. I can't explain it, nor do I honestly want to. You don't wish it on anyone...not even the worst of enemies. Losing a child makes you part of this club...a club no one wants to be in...almost an unspoken club. Just one that helps you realize others out there know how your heart is breaking and how much you'll never be the same. Damn that club and the reason for it. Funny, how it changes you. The moment they lowered Kade's casket....in that moment I knew. I knew I'd never be the same. I knew a part of me had died and gone with him. I knew that I would carry on because I had a daughter to raise (it was just Kins at the time) and that I would get up and remind myself to breathe each day, but I knew that there was a part of me that just wouldn't ever feel again. A numbness that can turn to sharp pains at any given moment. To say I miss him or think of him often isn't even close to an understatement. I grieve for him with every breath. Days like today just seem to increase the pain. It just one of those days where my heart is heavy and I feel as though I can't see through the pain. Tomorrow will likely be better, but there will always be Kade days and in some ways, I cherish those moments when I can just be alone with my memories of him.
Sweet dreams little man. We love you.
I can't begin to explain of how many ways I feel guilty. What if I had taken more vitamins, what if I had done something differently....the hardest part of his diagnosis was that there was no explanation. No reason for his defect, no scientific finding. Not that it would have helped the heart ache, but at least we'd know what happened. I have heard over and over that "God has a bigger plan." and "this was his plan for Kade." REALLY??? Taking a precious child's life was part of His master plan...to bring two loving parents to their knees in grief??? I just have a really hard time accepting that our Creator had that in mind. None of that makes sense or matches up with the bible lessons I learned growing up. Another jump into the unknown. I choose to believe that God's plan was to choose us to carry our son, knowing he'd be loved and cherished. Maybe He knew the outcome and blessed us to care for Kade for his little time on earth. I truly mean it when I say holding him and kissing his sweet face was worth the heartache of what was to follow. Feeling him kick, watching him suck his thumb and kick in the ultrasounds, holding him and seeing that sweet, chubby cheeked little boy face was well worth the pain. I wouldn't have done a thing differently. Of course I'd trade it for a different outcome, but that is just stating the obvious.
It is so odd to think back on all the times I thought I knew pain or thought I was experiencing heart ache. Losing Kade brought on a whole new meaning to pain. I can't explain it, nor do I honestly want to. You don't wish it on anyone...not even the worst of enemies. Losing a child makes you part of this club...a club no one wants to be in...almost an unspoken club. Just one that helps you realize others out there know how your heart is breaking and how much you'll never be the same. Damn that club and the reason for it. Funny, how it changes you. The moment they lowered Kade's casket....in that moment I knew. I knew I'd never be the same. I knew a part of me had died and gone with him. I knew that I would carry on because I had a daughter to raise (it was just Kins at the time) and that I would get up and remind myself to breathe each day, but I knew that there was a part of me that just wouldn't ever feel again. A numbness that can turn to sharp pains at any given moment. To say I miss him or think of him often isn't even close to an understatement. I grieve for him with every breath. Days like today just seem to increase the pain. It just one of those days where my heart is heavy and I feel as though I can't see through the pain. Tomorrow will likely be better, but there will always be Kade days and in some ways, I cherish those moments when I can just be alone with my memories of him.
Sweet dreams little man. We love you.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Can I have a moment???
So apparently I need to work on this whole blogging concept. Two posts in 6 months is not so great. However, if I could just get a moment free from work, house hold duties, and yes, even my sweet babies, I might have five minutes to be alone with my thoughts. I LOVE my dear husband, however, it gets very frustrating to watch him lay on the coach while I do bath time, bed time, dishes, laundry, and most of the time, work after the kiddos go to bed. He is self-employed and so he works crazy hours, which is hard enough. To make it worse, he is also an ATV racer and so what little time he does have is spent out in his shop nurturing his "mistress" (namely a large, powerful four-wheeler). I never in my entire life imagined myself being jealous of an ATV. It just makes me want to scream "SERIOUSLY???" I mean really, what can that thing do for him that his wife and kids can not?? Or maybe I don't want to know the answer to that. Meantime, my hobbies have been put to the wayside. By all means, I am just as much to blame on this as he is. I chose to give up my hobbies when we got married and once we had kids, forget it! I barely have time to breathe, much less find time to hit the dance studio to take a class (not to mention western Oklahoma is not the hub for adult dance classes). What is it about becoming a mom that makes us feel like we need to give up the things we love to that we can "be better moms?" I truly realize now that I would be a much better mom if I took time to take care of myself and release the stress. Sometimes I feel like all I do is yell at my Sweet girls (mainly Kins as how do you yell at a baby??) and I have to wonder at times if she feels like a complete failure, for just the simplest mistakes have gotten her head bit off at times. She is every mother's dream...honestly, I know she is mine, but as a former educator, I can attest that she REALLY IS a great kid. However, after a full day of working, coming home to be the maid, chef, taxi driver, counselor, teacher, and wife, I am exhausted and that exhaustion leads to stress. I don't like being that person, being THAT mom. I refuse to be THAT mom....
So, after months of frustration and feeling up in the air all the time, I've decided it's time. Time to take care of myself. Time to stop making excuses on why I can't go to dinner with friends or as to why I can't leave the kids with a babysitter. I spent so much time afraid of being a bad mom, that I stopped actually enjoying BEING a mom altogether. If I learned anything from losing Kade is that life is short and we have to enjoy the ride. Eat my dust guilt, resentment, and fear......... this ride will be special one...one in loving honor of my son who won't ever get the chance to take it.
So, after months of frustration and feeling up in the air all the time, I've decided it's time. Time to take care of myself. Time to stop making excuses on why I can't go to dinner with friends or as to why I can't leave the kids with a babysitter. I spent so much time afraid of being a bad mom, that I stopped actually enjoying BEING a mom altogether. If I learned anything from losing Kade is that life is short and we have to enjoy the ride. Eat my dust guilt, resentment, and fear......... this ride will be special one...one in loving honor of my son who won't ever get the chance to take it.
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