Letters to Kade: May 2, 2007

Dearest boy,
God created a miracle when he created you. We found out on Christmas Eve day that you were joining our family. I could not have been happier! Early on, I knew something was different. I felt different and I hurt a lot. The doctor told me it was placenta privia. I knew I was worried but I knew that it was common so I was ok. Then on a Tuesday afternoon, the nurse called and said our Trisomy 18 test was high. She said not to worry-only 1 in 17 years of nursing had a positive test actually been correct. I really did not think much more about it. The next Monday we went the specialist. There was 1 in 10 chance you had anencephaly, 1 in 11% that you had a Trisomy 18 defect.

When the ultrasound tech came in and began, we saw you-you are so beautiful! You look big and healthy! You moved, waved, etc. Then she showed us the boy parts-we were estatic! A boy! Our extreme delight did not last long. The doctor came in and began an ultrasound. He wouldn't answer any questions and I began to fear the worst. I had no idea h ow bad the worst was! At the end, he told me you have anencephaly-a neural tube defect where part of the brain and/or skull does not form (it is a very random defect in that it affects each case differently, some more severe than others.) It is fatal. He told us you'll be born stillborn or die soon after birth. Mommy's heart broke in pieces after the shock. He told us we'd be better of aborting you, you were not a "viable fetus." I couldn't even comprehend what he was telling me! When we left, we got to the elevators and daddy put his arm around me and I lost it. I cried all the way home. Telling your Grammy and Grandpa the news was even harder! They already love you so much! We all do!

I am carrying you because you are my son and I love you beyond belief. Every time you kick me-I feel so blessed. You move mainly at night and kick when I lay down. Your sister pats my belly and says "Bubba."

To me, you are perfect. I want to hold you and tell you how much I love you. I want to protect you. I want to tell you not to be afraid. There are so many people in Heaven waiting to hold you! I know aunt Kimmy will take such good care of you and rock you since I can't. I am so proud of you my dearest boy. You've been such a fighter. If you can-keep fighting. If you can't-or if you hurt-it is ok to let go sweet boy. I'll meet you in Heaven. I will love you and miss you every day of my life.

I know I'll get to hold you in Heaven and get to know you in that beautiful place. We all love you so very much sweet baby.