5/6/2007
Today is Mommy's birthday. I thought about you all day-grieving for the birthdays you won't get to have, but also joyful that I will get to see and cherish the greatest birthday of them all! You've been moving a lot lately and I just cherish each movement. You are such a huge part of me and the love I have for you is unfathomable. You are wanted...you are loved...and you are my dear sweet boy. I am so proud to be your mommy! I love you. xoxoxo
Journal Entry 4/30/2007
God created my son's life and it is in God's hands when his life ceases. I am now 24 weeks along and every day is a struggle. A bad dream, a cruel reality...My son will die. I have to pick out a casket, plan a funeral, and always wondering "what if." Who would he be, who would he look/act like? I have ok days-then I have really sad ones. I know I have to have faith and give the hurt to God. I also know that the mother in me is going to hurt-going to mourn my child-and I know that God loves me and allows me that emotion. Sometimes it is hard to have faith or find a way to grasp not blaming God or being angry at God. That is the human in me I guess.
I want this little boy so much and I want to love and hold him. I want to tell him Mommy loves him and to tell him it will be ok. He just kicked me! I thank God for all those little movements. Each one is a cherished movement that tells me he is still fighting. He's such a little fighter. There are so many loved ones in Heaven waiting to love him-at least I have that comfort. I love you little one.
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