Wishing I had the words...and the answers.

I wish I had the words to express my heavy heart today. I have been deep in thought lately and I can finally admit to myself that I am searching...I am just not sure what I am searching for. Those times in your life when you feel the need for change, but have no idea what you are needing to change. I've been really down and just sort of scattered lately. It is what Shannon may call grumpy, but I prefer to call it "stressed." I am just restless and I am not sure if it is due to re-living the journey with Kade through my posts or if it just life in general. There is so much I think and feel in a day that it is no wonder I am exhausted all the time. I feel like my mind has just been going and going without rest. Ugh, that feeling can make you nuts. I wish I could figure out all the answers. The answers to making those around me happy, the answers to all of life's tough questions, and the answers to every working mother's greatest fear-that our children will some how resent us someday for going to work each and every day and for those of us workaholics-all day every day and some evenings.
I am so darn proud of my kids and I never want them to think I chose to leave them or chose work over them. Everything I have done is for them. I honestly have no idea what I did before I had children.! I know I was sad and lonely and although it is the hardest job I have ever done, it is worth every blood, sweat, and tear moment the world can throw at me. I just feel like I could do so much better than what I do...I yell at Kins as I am always late-as if that should make it her emergency to get around faster. I feel as though I see Karsyn just long enough to pass her off to the next sitter..all those frustrating thoughts that can a woman go unhinged. I am nothing without my family and I would give anything to be with them all day, every day. However, I also prefer to have food on the table, so that is not an option and I home some day the girls understand that.

So to all the working moms, I think we have to learn to forgive ourselves and move on. Not many can do what we do in a day and we should be proud that we help provide for our families and as long as we put the kids first when we are spending quality time with them, I truly believe they'll turn out just fine. Come check out the post and 20 years and I'll let you know how that theory works out.