Journal Entry: March 28, 2007

March 28, 2007 Journal Entry

If hell had a face on earth, this has to be it. How life can flip upside down in a heartbeat is cruel. I don't know how to wrap my brain around this-or comprehend any of it. I just want to wake up and it all be a dream. A terrible nightmare that will go away. If Kinsley weren't here I'd go insane. She's been my saving grace. How can God give such a beautiful gift and then take it away before we've gotten a chance to love him or touch him? I want to hold my little boy-kiss him-and tell him how much his mommy loves him. I've felt him move-I've fought hard to keep this pregnancy-how do I do anything to hurt him? He's my son. He's my baby. He's real-his heart beats-he's alive and viable inside me. He's a little person and he's fighting so hard, bless his heart. He's a fighter. How do you tell someone to choose how to let your baby die? You can either terminate him or carry him and watch him die in your arms. This has to be a nightmare. Life can't be this cruel. It just can't be. How can any mother say "well he'll die anyway, so let's just kill him early??" I CAN'T, but I also can't bring him into this world as have him suffer. I can't do that either. The Internet research didn't help-that just made it more traumatic and real. I am so blessed with Kinsley and I know that, but that doesn't take the pain of this away. There's no way to make this hurt less or make it all make sense. I am so angry , so scared, and just so damn sad. My heart is so broken and I honestly feel as though I am broken. My poor baby is broken. His ultrasound showed us though how beautiful he is-he's active and has a personality all his own already. He's my son and I already love him-I LOVE HIM-why is that not enough. What could have been done? Is this God' way of punishing me? Is this my fault? I can't help but think that I could have done something differently. This has to be my fault-how can anything else make sense? Surely God can't be responsible. How can He love us unconditionally then up this out there? Why or how could He do this to an innocent child? How will I ever be able to make it through this? How do I let him go? Please let this be a terrible nightmare. Please don't let it be real. God help me.