Miracles Can Happen.....

I subscribe to a post about Victoria, a little girl diagnosed with acrania, who has survived beyond all expectations. From this post, I was linked to a family who delivered a beautiful little girl with anencephaly. Baby Marsela lived for 1 year and 8 months with anencephaly...this is absolutely unheard of and nothing short of the grace of God. Marsela recognized her mother, her mother's voice, was weary of strangers and loud noises. I am not a scientific person, nor do I debate into too many things concerning the life/science debate. However, when I watched Marsela's story, it brought life to so many thoughts and ideas we had about Kade. When the specialist told us we'd be better off aborting, that he could never think or feel things...I understand the science behind his argument. It has taken me years, but I do see why he chooses to look at children as "cases" or as a "fetus." I can't imagine doing what he does everyday and the emotional toll that must take on someone. However, I always felt in my heart that Kade was living and full of life inside me. How can you watch a child sucking his thumb or kicking you inutero and not feel that? Through Marsela's story, I found justification of those feelings and it just reinforced my belief in the choices we made to carry Kade to term. They had almost two years with their beautiful daughter. I'm in no way idealizing those two years-I am sure they were difficult, that Marsela required around the clock full time care, that watching her sick and weak at times was heartbreaking and tough beyond imagination. However, they also loved that little girl with all they had and made the very best they could of the time God gave them with her and I admire them so much for that. How proud God must have been to watch them love His child and protect her all they could for the time they were blessed to have.
I have been angry at God for a long time now. I prayed with all my might that we'd get to meet Kade alive. I was devastated and so lost when Kade was born still. However, as I watched Marsela's story, I suddenly realized God knew what he was doing. I barely survived losing Kade; honestly, there are days I am not sure I have. Had I had any more time with him or cared for him in the hospital, I am sure I would have lost my mind in the following months of his death. His death was the hardest thing I have ever endured and I know in my heart that any more time with him, or watching him fight the common illnesses or heart problems found in babies with birth defects would have been impossible for me. The heartache would have been unbearable. Maybe God knew we were fragile; that we could not handle anymore than what we were already going through. I honestly don't know and will likely never understand all the workings of life and why things happen the way they do. I do know that I found so much hope and love in this story. Why don't we hear stories like this in the news rather than some stupid report on another famous person who's lost their mind??? Makes me so sad that it is crap like that that makes headlines (and helps no one), when there are stories like Marcela's that could help so many people struggling through similar situations.

Letters to Kade: August 15, 2007

Sweet Kade,
You have been pretty still today. You've been in the same position for a week or so now. You stick out really far on my left side and our very far on my right front. I look hilarious! You go right up into my ribs and roll around.

Daddy built your casket and it is beautiful. Seems odd to say beautiful for such an awful situation, but there is so much love in that casket, that you can't help but see the beauty in it. A part of his heart is ingrained in that wood and I know he put his entire heart into creating it.

As your due date draws near, I cherish each and every day with you more and more. I am thankful I've shared this time with you. I am so thankful God blessed me with you-even if you can't stay with me long. You've changed me and my life forever and all for the better.

I know when you get to Heaven you'll be with so many people who also already love you and I know you'll be watching over us. I hope I make you proud and I hope you see everyday how much you are loved and missed. Mommy will be so sad to let you go, but I will rejoice in the thought of you sitting at the feet of the Lord, that you'll hear me when I pray, and that you'll be waiting for me on my judgement day.

I will do all I can and be all I can so that I can be with you in Heaven some day. I wonder often what you'll look like-will you be the baby I love so much or do you grow in Heaven?

I am really struggling with letting you go-I am still so sad and even angry. I know that it will be so much worse when you are born and I see you, hold you, and get to grow attached in whatever time we have you here on earth. I can't even say or write the rest. I can't. It makes it too real.

I love you so much sweet boy and I am so, so sorry I couldn't protect you from this. I'd take your place any day to let you live the life you deserve. I'd give the world to save you.

I love you baby! I love you so, so much!

Goodnight sweet baby!
xoxoxoxo,
Mommy

Journal Entry: August 15, 2007

Shannon finished building Kade's casket today. He is now staining it and he even bought the fabric to go inside it. I tried really hard not to cry, but you better believe I had a good one the minute I was alone. It's all becoming so real today and each day as the due date comes closer. It just gets harder and harder. I can no longer imagine what the delivery, spending time with Kade, and his death will be like. I hate that word. I HATE it! It's so hard to comprehend all this-I find myself getting angry all over again. And sad..sad is not even the word. Devastated, heart broken-all these life changing words in one. I just don't know how I'll let him go alone to some dark, cold, lonely place. How do I go home without him? Leaving the hospital without my baby is unimaginable...much less when you know the next step is a funeral home and grave. I just never imagined this could happen to me. I want to be so thankful for my beautiful daughter, our family, etc. but I also can't help feeling sorrow for this unimaginable loss. Is that wrong? I have never wanted anything more in my life than these children. Never could I be anything more important than a mother. I would give anything to heal Kade. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

Letters to Kade: August 13, 2007

Dearest Kade,
The doctor says one more week! You don't kick me much anymore, but your heartbeat was still really good today. You are definitely growing as you fill my entire basketball of a belly. I miss how active you were. You are such a blessing and I hope you can feel how much you are loved! I can't wait to sing to you and hold your little fingers. I hope you recognize my voice. I know Kinsley will love getting to hold you and give you kisses. I hope someday she can understand all of this. I am sure she will forever cherish this time with you. Whatever happens little man, you are loved, you are cherished and you are very much already part of this family. We love you to the moon sweet boy!
xoxoxox,
mommy

Letters to Kade: August 10, 2007

Dear Sweet Son,
I guess now there is no disillusioning myself to the fact that our time together here on earth is getting shorter. As I write, the lines are blurry as the tears just keep falling. I am not ready to let go or say goodbye. I am so scared. I am trying to decide on songs for your funeral and it breaks my heart so desperately that all of this is real. I am your mommy and no mommy should have to say goodbye so fast. Nine months just isn't enough. Please know that you are very much loved, wanted, and I cherish this time so much. I am so proud to be your mommy little man. You have no idea how proud of you I am. You have shown more strength and courage in this short time than I have in my entire life.

I love you so much little man.

love, xoxoxo
mommy

Journal Entry: August 6, 2007

I am trying to "pick out" songs for Kade's funeral and my mind is just reeling. Is this real? Is this really happening? How do I let my baby go? How do I lay him in some box and walk away? I can't do it-I know I can't. I am trying so hard to continue to find peace and be accepting to his journey with God, but I am struggling. He is my son-my sweet Kade. I already love him beyond words. I feel so scared and although I'm not, I feel so alone. I cry myself to sleep every night...but I am the only one who knows that.
Kade is growing and I can tell by how I carry him that he is in a very odd position. His heartbeat continues to be strong at our weekly doctor visits, so hopefully he is doing well. I am so swollen from the fluid that I simply don't think I can stretch any more. There is only so much a body can take and this pregnancy has really tested mine. I am not sure which is going to give out first-my heart or my body. I feel as though I have aged fifty years in the last few months. I am no longer young and carefree...this experience had completely changed me and I see that more and more each day. I hope that when all is said and done, I still have a glimpse of the girl I used to know.

Letters to Kade: August 5, 2007

Dearest Kade,
I just simply want to tell you that I love you! I love you with all my heart and soul.
Love, Mommy