Journal Entry: March 28, 2007

March 28, 2007 Journal Entry

If hell had a face on earth, this has to be it. How life can flip upside down in a heartbeat is cruel. I don't know how to wrap my brain around this-or comprehend any of it. I just want to wake up and it all be a dream. A terrible nightmare that will go away. If Kinsley weren't here I'd go insane. She's been my saving grace. How can God give such a beautiful gift and then take it away before we've gotten a chance to love him or touch him? I want to hold my little boy-kiss him-and tell him how much his mommy loves him. I've felt him move-I've fought hard to keep this pregnancy-how do I do anything to hurt him? He's my son. He's my baby. He's real-his heart beats-he's alive and viable inside me. He's a little person and he's fighting so hard, bless his heart. He's a fighter. How do you tell someone to choose how to let your baby die? You can either terminate him or carry him and watch him die in your arms. This has to be a nightmare. Life can't be this cruel. It just can't be. How can any mother say "well he'll die anyway, so let's just kill him early??" I CAN'T, but I also can't bring him into this world as have him suffer. I can't do that either. The Internet research didn't help-that just made it more traumatic and real. I am so blessed with Kinsley and I know that, but that doesn't take the pain of this away. There's no way to make this hurt less or make it all make sense. I am so angry , so scared, and just so damn sad. My heart is so broken and I honestly feel as though I am broken. My poor baby is broken. His ultrasound showed us though how beautiful he is-he's active and has a personality all his own already. He's my son and I already love him-I LOVE HIM-why is that not enough. What could have been done? Is this God' way of punishing me? Is this my fault? I can't help but think that I could have done something differently. This has to be my fault-how can anything else make sense? Surely God can't be responsible. How can He love us unconditionally then up this out there? Why or how could He do this to an innocent child? How will I ever be able to make it through this? How do I let him go? Please let this be a terrible nightmare. Please don't let it be real. God help me.

D Day

In March 0f 2007, I was 4 months pregnant with our son, Kade. At 19/20 weeks, we went for an appointment with a specialist due to a high risk test coming back abnormal. Our OB's nurse told us not to worry, these often came back as false positives, and that in the 17 years experience, only one case had actually been a true positive. We sat in a room with large flat screen tv-Shannon next to me and Kinsley sitting next to me on the table. The tech comes n and shows us our beautiful baby boy (obvious boy) and we were ecstatic! She measures, does her thing, etc and points out various parts of his body as any normal ultrasound tech does. He was even sucking his thumb! It takes a while for the doctor to come in and his ultrasound lasted almost an hour. He wouldn't answer our questions, etc and we had the feeling something was very wrong. At the end of the ultrasound, he states, emotionless, "the fetus has a fatal birth defect. Anencephaly. It is fatal and nothing I see here looks good. You will need to decide by 25 weeks if you want to keep the pregnancy or abort the fetus." Needless to say, I didn't comprehend anything he said. I was in shock. Looking back, I am surprised I didn't punch him in the nose (the Bates temper gets the best of me sometimes). We left there with zero information on the birth defect-they did not even write it down for us-we just left with our sorrow and confusion. I remember making it to the elevator and just losing it. Standing there with my husband and daughter holding me, bawling. It is one of those moments you see in movies where time just stands still and you have no care as to what is going on around you. We walked all the way out to the pick up that way. I remember not wanting to scare Kinsley, yet having no way of controlling myself. The first person I called was Kara and I had no idea what to say...I just needed to hear her voice. I dreaded calling my parents. I knew they'd be heard broken and devastated. Bless her heart, Kara offered herself up to call them, but I knew I had to do it. Telling them was as hard as hearing it myself. In the days to come, I received numerous advice from numerous people. Random people. People who had not been a part of our lives, had stopped being a part of our lives, and then of course, those closest to us. Everyone for some reason thought they got to have an opinion on whether or not we chose to carry our son to term. I can not tell you how many times I wanted to scream "Who in the hell do you think you are???" In a quick moment, I became a very private, withdrawn person. I suddenly wanted no part of who I was or our life before this. It was a tragedy no one could understand, a decision I could not possibly make, and a feeling of complete confusion I could not explain. After much soul searching, I just couldn't abort Kade. To me, it was God's decision as to when and how Kade left this Earth, not mine. As any mother knows, it is our job to protect our children. We'd gladly give ourselves to save our children, keep them from pain or discomfort. I knew I'd love and protect him as long as God allowed me to. So while this story spans over many months, this is it in a quick summary. I began a journal containing letters to Kade-an idea I had read on the Anencephaly support group website. I am so thankful for this advice as in the moment, you don't realize or remember what is happening, but now I can go back and read these and know that I did my best to be the best mommy to Kade as I could while we shared his time with us. Kade's letters were burried with him on August 18, 2007.

A Mother's Journey

So I've been going through all my journals from our journey with Kade and have been trying to put them into some type of order or story. As part of the anencephaly support group, I'd like to have our story posted to where parents new to the diagnosis can read his story. I found it helpful when we received his diagnosis and were left with nothing on the fatal birth defect. No even the spelling of the disorder...try googling "anencephaly" without having a clue how it is spelt. The Internet was so cruel....wish I'd never googled it. Most posts were so far from the truth of the babies with this birth defect-at least in Kade's case they were way off. I'll never forget landing on YouTube and they actually had videos of babies with anencephaly...making rude, cruel jokes about them dying. Who does that??? Disappointments in humanity that those people actually exist. Not that I wouldn't want to meet them in person...I am pretty damn sure I'd have no problem taking them out....we live in the country..plenty of places to hide the evidence :) Just kidding; sort of. How people like that exist is beyond me. I have not been back on YouTube since that day...disappointments me they'd allow people to post stuff like that. Well, that is my rant. Back to my point, I am trying to compile all these journals into something that may help others. I don't know that anything ever really helps, but it made a difference to know that someone else could understand. It's funny how at times reading the journals makes me feel better and at other times, takes me to a dark place. It's a roller coaster ride that doesn't end and you never know when the next hill will be just around the corner. Anger, grief, sadness, anger, grief, it just goes in circles...high, low, high, low. I'll start posting these entries with the next blog and hope that I am able to complete the task without losing my mind all over again.

I'm Moving On

So I am at that point to where I know I need a change, but not sure what that change should be. I have always known where I was going, what I was meant to do, or thought I was meant to do. I was an excellent educator. I was confident in my teaching abilities and I know I had a natural ability to educate. However, I don't know that after the first two years, that I really loved teaching. I came home frustrated, upset, and stressed all the time. With sales, I love going from place to place and meeting new people, getting to see familiar faces and I enjoy seeing my work on the cheerleaders. It is always amazing to see your ideas come together. However, I wonder sometimes if I am too nice for sales If maybe I wasn't meant to sell, sell, sell. If that is the case,then where does that leave me? I NEED to work...a one income family just is not an option for us. I also need to work for my sanity. Sometimes I feel like I just woke up one day and started questioning what I was meant to do, who I was meant to be. I want to do so many different things, and try so many different occupations. One day I want to go back to teaching, another day I want to become a photographer, cup cake maker, go into the medical field, etc. It is always something. Makes me worry a bit that I am always looking for something else instead of just being happy where I am and with what I have. Many people would love to have my career and most of the time it is nice....but I spend so many hours working that I know quality time with my kids is suffering. So, so frustrating. Wouldn't a crystal ball come in handy about now? Would be fantastic to have that fairy god mother to tell me what decisions to make. I could use that assurance about now. I don't want to be that person that is always job jumping. I want to build my career and grow in that career. I am too determined to accept anything less than that. May the answers come soon so I don't lose my mind.

"Mommy, why do you have to go to work?"

Ahhh...the question I wish I had the answer to. Kinsley asked me this tonight as I sat down to enter orders. I left her early this morning, got home late, and then had to enter orders once I was home. Bless her heart, I wonder often how abandoned she must feel. This job has began to consume me and it makes me sad for my girls and for me. I LOVE what I do, but I've got to find a way to make it more manageable and stop letting it control me. If I've learned anything over the last three years is that life is too short and God forbid something happen to me, I don't want my girls to just remember me working all the time. I am all for women's liberation, etc. but there are times I wish we could go back to a simpler time when women could afford to stay home and provide for their family from home. I feel so much pressure trying to be it all and do it all. Most moms I know feel the exact same. Of course, I am that person that would always have to have a hobby or career on the side to keep my sanity.

Funny how life brings you to those gut-check moments where you have to decide what is more important. That cross roads where you know once you decide which direction you want to go, you have to travel it as there is no turning back. I see those crossroads quickly approaching and I hope when I reach them, I am prepared and have done enough soul searching to know my answers. At the end of the day, I just want as much time with my daughter's as possible and I don't want to miss a thing. No regrets ten years down the road when I look up and they are
teenagers who are way to cool to hang out with mom.

The answers will come-they always do.

Kade Day

So today is what I've come to call a "Kade Day." It is where I tend to gravitate towards the "what ifs" of had Kade lived or not been born with his birth defect. After Kade was born, I went through shock, then anger, then sadness and so on. I wasn't sure I ever wanted to try again..luckily God had a bigger plan and blessed us with Karsyn. I know a lot of people think having another child in some ways makes it easier, but for me it actually made it worse...if that is possible. It makes me think of all the what ifs and hits me like a ton of bricks that I am missing all Kade's milestones. I wonder what he'd look like, what he'd be like, would he act like his sisters, would he be a daddy's boy or a Mommy's boy, and so on.

I can't begin to explain of how many ways I feel guilty. What if I had taken more vitamins, what if I had done something differently....the hardest part of his diagnosis was that there was no explanation. No reason for his defect, no scientific finding. Not that it would have helped the heart ache, but at least we'd know what happened. I have heard over and over that "God has a bigger plan." and "this was his plan for Kade." REALLY??? Taking a precious child's life was part of His master plan...to bring two loving parents to their knees in grief??? I just have a really hard time accepting that our Creator had that in mind. None of that makes sense or matches up with the bible lessons I learned growing up. Another jump into the unknown. I choose to believe that God's plan was to choose us to carry our son, knowing he'd be loved and cherished. Maybe He knew the outcome and blessed us to care for Kade for his little time on earth. I truly mean it when I say holding him and kissing his sweet face was worth the heartache of what was to follow. Feeling him kick, watching him suck his thumb and kick in the ultrasounds, holding him and seeing that sweet, chubby cheeked little boy face was well worth the pain. I wouldn't have done a thing differently. Of course I'd trade it for a different outcome, but that is just stating the obvious.

It is so odd to think back on all the times I thought I knew pain or thought I was experiencing heart ache. Losing Kade brought on a whole new meaning to pain. I can't explain it, nor do I honestly want to. You don't wish it on anyone...not even the worst of enemies. Losing a child makes you part of this club...a club no one wants to be in...almost an unspoken club. Just one that helps you realize others out there know how your heart is breaking and how much you'll never be the same. Damn that club and the reason for it. Funny, how it changes you. The moment they lowered Kade's casket....in that moment I knew. I knew I'd never be the same. I knew a part of me had died and gone with him. I knew that I would carry on because I had a daughter to raise (it was just Kins at the time) and that I would get up and remind myself to breathe each day, but I knew that there was a part of me that just wouldn't ever feel again. A numbness that can turn to sharp pains at any given moment. To say I miss him or think of him often isn't even close to an understatement. I grieve for him with every breath. Days like today just seem to increase the pain. It just one of those days where my heart is heavy and I feel as though I can't see through the pain. Tomorrow will likely be better, but there will always be Kade days and in some ways, I cherish those moments when I can just be alone with my memories of him.

Sweet dreams little man. We love you.

Can I have a moment???

So apparently I need to work on this whole blogging concept. Two posts in 6 months is not so great. However, if I could just get a moment free from work, house hold duties, and yes, even my sweet babies, I might have five minutes to be alone with my thoughts. I LOVE my dear husband, however, it gets very frustrating to watch him lay on the coach while I do bath time, bed time, dishes, laundry, and most of the time, work after the kiddos go to bed. He is self-employed and so he works crazy hours, which is hard enough. To make it worse, he is also an ATV racer and so what little time he does have is spent out in his shop nurturing his "mistress" (namely a large, powerful four-wheeler). I never in my entire life imagined myself being jealous of an ATV. It just makes me want to scream "SERIOUSLY???" I mean really, what can that thing do for him that his wife and kids can not?? Or maybe I don't want to know the answer to that. Meantime, my hobbies have been put to the wayside. By all means, I am just as much to blame on this as he is. I chose to give up my hobbies when we got married and once we had kids, forget it! I barely have time to breathe, much less find time to hit the dance studio to take a class (not to mention western Oklahoma is not the hub for adult dance classes). What is it about becoming a mom that makes us feel like we need to give up the things we love to that we can "be better moms?" I truly realize now that I would be a much better mom if I took time to take care of myself and release the stress. Sometimes I feel like all I do is yell at my Sweet girls (mainly Kins as how do you yell at a baby??) and I have to wonder at times if she feels like a complete failure, for just the simplest mistakes have gotten her head bit off at times. She is every mother's dream...honestly, I know she is mine, but as a former educator, I can attest that she REALLY IS a great kid. However, after a full day of working, coming home to be the maid, chef, taxi driver, counselor, teacher, and wife, I am exhausted and that exhaustion leads to stress. I don't like being that person, being THAT mom. I refuse to be THAT mom....

So, after months of frustration and feeling up in the air all the time, I've decided it's time. Time to take care of myself. Time to stop making excuses on why I can't go to dinner with friends or as to why I can't leave the kids with a babysitter. I spent so much time afraid of being a bad mom, that I stopped actually enjoying BEING a mom altogether. If I learned anything from losing Kade is that life is short and we have to enjoy the ride. Eat my dust guilt, resentment, and fear......... this ride will be special one...one in loving honor of my son who won't ever get the chance to take it.