Can I have a moment???

So apparently I need to work on this whole blogging concept. Two posts in 6 months is not so great. However, if I could just get a moment free from work, house hold duties, and yes, even my sweet babies, I might have five minutes to be alone with my thoughts. I LOVE my dear husband, however, it gets very frustrating to watch him lay on the coach while I do bath time, bed time, dishes, laundry, and most of the time, work after the kiddos go to bed. He is self-employed and so he works crazy hours, which is hard enough. To make it worse, he is also an ATV racer and so what little time he does have is spent out in his shop nurturing his "mistress" (namely a large, powerful four-wheeler). I never in my entire life imagined myself being jealous of an ATV. It just makes me want to scream "SERIOUSLY???" I mean really, what can that thing do for him that his wife and kids can not?? Or maybe I don't want to know the answer to that. Meantime, my hobbies have been put to the wayside. By all means, I am just as much to blame on this as he is. I chose to give up my hobbies when we got married and once we had kids, forget it! I barely have time to breathe, much less find time to hit the dance studio to take a class (not to mention western Oklahoma is not the hub for adult dance classes). What is it about becoming a mom that makes us feel like we need to give up the things we love to that we can "be better moms?" I truly realize now that I would be a much better mom if I took time to take care of myself and release the stress. Sometimes I feel like all I do is yell at my Sweet girls (mainly Kins as how do you yell at a baby??) and I have to wonder at times if she feels like a complete failure, for just the simplest mistakes have gotten her head bit off at times. She is every mother's dream...honestly, I know she is mine, but as a former educator, I can attest that she REALLY IS a great kid. However, after a full day of working, coming home to be the maid, chef, taxi driver, counselor, teacher, and wife, I am exhausted and that exhaustion leads to stress. I don't like being that person, being THAT mom. I refuse to be THAT mom....

So, after months of frustration and feeling up in the air all the time, I've decided it's time. Time to take care of myself. Time to stop making excuses on why I can't go to dinner with friends or as to why I can't leave the kids with a babysitter. I spent so much time afraid of being a bad mom, that I stopped actually enjoying BEING a mom altogether. If I learned anything from losing Kade is that life is short and we have to enjoy the ride. Eat my dust guilt, resentment, and fear......... this ride will be special one...one in loving honor of my son who won't ever get the chance to take it.