Kade Day

So today is what I've come to call a "Kade Day." It is where I tend to gravitate towards the "what ifs" of had Kade lived or not been born with his birth defect. After Kade was born, I went through shock, then anger, then sadness and so on. I wasn't sure I ever wanted to try again..luckily God had a bigger plan and blessed us with Karsyn. I know a lot of people think having another child in some ways makes it easier, but for me it actually made it worse...if that is possible. It makes me think of all the what ifs and hits me like a ton of bricks that I am missing all Kade's milestones. I wonder what he'd look like, what he'd be like, would he act like his sisters, would he be a daddy's boy or a Mommy's boy, and so on.

I can't begin to explain of how many ways I feel guilty. What if I had taken more vitamins, what if I had done something differently....the hardest part of his diagnosis was that there was no explanation. No reason for his defect, no scientific finding. Not that it would have helped the heart ache, but at least we'd know what happened. I have heard over and over that "God has a bigger plan." and "this was his plan for Kade." REALLY??? Taking a precious child's life was part of His master plan...to bring two loving parents to their knees in grief??? I just have a really hard time accepting that our Creator had that in mind. None of that makes sense or matches up with the bible lessons I learned growing up. Another jump into the unknown. I choose to believe that God's plan was to choose us to carry our son, knowing he'd be loved and cherished. Maybe He knew the outcome and blessed us to care for Kade for his little time on earth. I truly mean it when I say holding him and kissing his sweet face was worth the heartache of what was to follow. Feeling him kick, watching him suck his thumb and kick in the ultrasounds, holding him and seeing that sweet, chubby cheeked little boy face was well worth the pain. I wouldn't have done a thing differently. Of course I'd trade it for a different outcome, but that is just stating the obvious.

It is so odd to think back on all the times I thought I knew pain or thought I was experiencing heart ache. Losing Kade brought on a whole new meaning to pain. I can't explain it, nor do I honestly want to. You don't wish it on anyone...not even the worst of enemies. Losing a child makes you part of this club...a club no one wants to be in...almost an unspoken club. Just one that helps you realize others out there know how your heart is breaking and how much you'll never be the same. Damn that club and the reason for it. Funny, how it changes you. The moment they lowered Kade's casket....in that moment I knew. I knew I'd never be the same. I knew a part of me had died and gone with him. I knew that I would carry on because I had a daughter to raise (it was just Kins at the time) and that I would get up and remind myself to breathe each day, but I knew that there was a part of me that just wouldn't ever feel again. A numbness that can turn to sharp pains at any given moment. To say I miss him or think of him often isn't even close to an understatement. I grieve for him with every breath. Days like today just seem to increase the pain. It just one of those days where my heart is heavy and I feel as though I can't see through the pain. Tomorrow will likely be better, but there will always be Kade days and in some ways, I cherish those moments when I can just be alone with my memories of him.

Sweet dreams little man. We love you.