Journal Entry: June 3, 2007

June 3, 2007

Kade has been kicking and flopping, moving constantly. He moves a lot and I can feel him getting bigger and stronger. It's amazing. Pregnancy is the biggest blessing. There is nothing like the feeling of having a life forming and living inside you. It's got to be one of God's greatest gifts. I am so thankful and blessed to get to be pregnant twice. I'd be lying if I said all my emotions are thankful and positive. As hard as I try, I do get mad, I do get sad. There are times I just sit and cry or throw things. I don't see myself as "brave" or righteous. I see myself as a mom who wants as much time as God allows with her son. I want to see his face-I want to hold him, and dress him. I want him to feel all the love so many people have for him. I can't imagine how hard the ending is going to be-I don't even pretend to fathom it-but for months, I've gotten to cherish my time with him. He's my son and to me, there's no other choice.

During our trip to Tulsa this weekend, I told Nonny about Kade, and it was so tough. However, she had so much wisdom to share and that helped me a lot. I had one of those moments when we got back-those moments that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. I was cleaning out the spare bedroom closet and on the floor in the back was a study guide. It is a biblical study guide Nonny had given me when Chris and Casey died that had scripture on death. Of course, back then, I just threw it somewhere and honestly, I am surprised I had kept it all these years and through moving houses, etc. There it was...open to the story of David and the loss of his son; Samuel 12: 22-23
He answered "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, "Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live." But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

I hear you Lord, I hear you.