Letters to Kade: May 20, 2007/Journal Entry: May 28, 2007

Dearest Kade,
You are such an athlete! You've been moving and kicking mommy like crazy! I feel like the luckiest mom in the world each time you kick me! I'm truly enjoying this time with you and I hope you can feel how much you are loved!

I got the ring with your name on it Friday and I smile each time I glance down at it. I sleep with the blanket I've bought for you each night. It brings me some comfort. I think you'll be coming to meet us pretty soon. I've had some weird feelings lately and I think you might come early.

Some days I don't have any idea how I'll leave the hospital without you. I have to keep telling myself that you need God and that you have so many people in Heaven waiting to hold you.

I love you so much sweet boy. You are my sunshine.


Journal Entry: May 28, 2007
The baby is getting lower and the cramps come more often. He just kicks and kicks-I cherish each one. I have to enjoy this time with him, it's all the time I will get. I pray that I get to meet him alive. I just ask for a minute or two to tell him I love him, watch him breathe, and grasp his little hands. I have no idea what to expect or the grief and pain that lies ahead. I've read the websites, books, etc. but I know in my heart that nothing can truly prepare us.

I love his name-Kade Daniel. It's a great, strong name. He's such a fighter-he's been so strong. Bless his heart-I can't imagine the fight he's given. His little heart is weak, the anomalies-and the still hangs on. At his doctor's appointment, his heartbeat sounded strong. I didn't get an ultrasound this time and was so disappointed. I feel better when I get to "see" him. I've thought a lot lately about his death. I will have to lay my child into the earth-a cold, dry, place of dirt. I know it will be his earthly body, but that's all I know-his earthly self. I will have to say goodbye to him, leave the hospital with out him, and once he's at the funeral home, that will be the last time I see him. The fear of death has always paralyzed me; now it is real and in my face. How do you heal from the death of your child? How do you say goodbye? I also think how this will affect Kinsley. She'll know somethings wrong. Someday, I'll get to tell her about her brother, show her pictures. She'll always be a big sister ...