Miracles Can Happen.....

I subscribe to a post about Victoria, a little girl diagnosed with acrania, who has survived beyond all expectations. From this post, I was linked to a family who delivered a beautiful little girl with anencephaly. Baby Marsela lived for 1 year and 8 months with anencephaly...this is absolutely unheard of and nothing short of the grace of God. Marsela recognized her mother, her mother's voice, was weary of strangers and loud noises. I am not a scientific person, nor do I debate into too many things concerning the life/science debate. However, when I watched Marsela's story, it brought life to so many thoughts and ideas we had about Kade. When the specialist told us we'd be better off aborting, that he could never think or feel things...I understand the science behind his argument. It has taken me years, but I do see why he chooses to look at children as "cases" or as a "fetus." I can't imagine doing what he does everyday and the emotional toll that must take on someone. However, I always felt in my heart that Kade was living and full of life inside me. How can you watch a child sucking his thumb or kicking you inutero and not feel that? Through Marsela's story, I found justification of those feelings and it just reinforced my belief in the choices we made to carry Kade to term. They had almost two years with their beautiful daughter. I'm in no way idealizing those two years-I am sure they were difficult, that Marsela required around the clock full time care, that watching her sick and weak at times was heartbreaking and tough beyond imagination. However, they also loved that little girl with all they had and made the very best they could of the time God gave them with her and I admire them so much for that. How proud God must have been to watch them love His child and protect her all they could for the time they were blessed to have.
I have been angry at God for a long time now. I prayed with all my might that we'd get to meet Kade alive. I was devastated and so lost when Kade was born still. However, as I watched Marsela's story, I suddenly realized God knew what he was doing. I barely survived losing Kade; honestly, there are days I am not sure I have. Had I had any more time with him or cared for him in the hospital, I am sure I would have lost my mind in the following months of his death. His death was the hardest thing I have ever endured and I know in my heart that any more time with him, or watching him fight the common illnesses or heart problems found in babies with birth defects would have been impossible for me. The heartache would have been unbearable. Maybe God knew we were fragile; that we could not handle anymore than what we were already going through. I honestly don't know and will likely never understand all the workings of life and why things happen the way they do. I do know that I found so much hope and love in this story. Why don't we hear stories like this in the news rather than some stupid report on another famous person who's lost their mind??? Makes me so sad that it is crap like that that makes headlines (and helps no one), when there are stories like Marcela's that could help so many people struggling through similar situations.

Letters to Kade: August 15, 2007

Sweet Kade,
You have been pretty still today. You've been in the same position for a week or so now. You stick out really far on my left side and our very far on my right front. I look hilarious! You go right up into my ribs and roll around.

Daddy built your casket and it is beautiful. Seems odd to say beautiful for such an awful situation, but there is so much love in that casket, that you can't help but see the beauty in it. A part of his heart is ingrained in that wood and I know he put his entire heart into creating it.

As your due date draws near, I cherish each and every day with you more and more. I am thankful I've shared this time with you. I am so thankful God blessed me with you-even if you can't stay with me long. You've changed me and my life forever and all for the better.

I know when you get to Heaven you'll be with so many people who also already love you and I know you'll be watching over us. I hope I make you proud and I hope you see everyday how much you are loved and missed. Mommy will be so sad to let you go, but I will rejoice in the thought of you sitting at the feet of the Lord, that you'll hear me when I pray, and that you'll be waiting for me on my judgement day.

I will do all I can and be all I can so that I can be with you in Heaven some day. I wonder often what you'll look like-will you be the baby I love so much or do you grow in Heaven?

I am really struggling with letting you go-I am still so sad and even angry. I know that it will be so much worse when you are born and I see you, hold you, and get to grow attached in whatever time we have you here on earth. I can't even say or write the rest. I can't. It makes it too real.

I love you so much sweet boy and I am so, so sorry I couldn't protect you from this. I'd take your place any day to let you live the life you deserve. I'd give the world to save you.

I love you baby! I love you so, so much!

Goodnight sweet baby!
xoxoxoxo,
Mommy

Journal Entry: August 15, 2007

Shannon finished building Kade's casket today. He is now staining it and he even bought the fabric to go inside it. I tried really hard not to cry, but you better believe I had a good one the minute I was alone. It's all becoming so real today and each day as the due date comes closer. It just gets harder and harder. I can no longer imagine what the delivery, spending time with Kade, and his death will be like. I hate that word. I HATE it! It's so hard to comprehend all this-I find myself getting angry all over again. And sad..sad is not even the word. Devastated, heart broken-all these life changing words in one. I just don't know how I'll let him go alone to some dark, cold, lonely place. How do I go home without him? Leaving the hospital without my baby is unimaginable...much less when you know the next step is a funeral home and grave. I just never imagined this could happen to me. I want to be so thankful for my beautiful daughter, our family, etc. but I also can't help feeling sorrow for this unimaginable loss. Is that wrong? I have never wanted anything more in my life than these children. Never could I be anything more important than a mother. I would give anything to heal Kade. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

Letters to Kade: August 13, 2007

Dearest Kade,
The doctor says one more week! You don't kick me much anymore, but your heartbeat was still really good today. You are definitely growing as you fill my entire basketball of a belly. I miss how active you were. You are such a blessing and I hope you can feel how much you are loved! I can't wait to sing to you and hold your little fingers. I hope you recognize my voice. I know Kinsley will love getting to hold you and give you kisses. I hope someday she can understand all of this. I am sure she will forever cherish this time with you. Whatever happens little man, you are loved, you are cherished and you are very much already part of this family. We love you to the moon sweet boy!
xoxoxox,
mommy

Letters to Kade: August 10, 2007

Dear Sweet Son,
I guess now there is no disillusioning myself to the fact that our time together here on earth is getting shorter. As I write, the lines are blurry as the tears just keep falling. I am not ready to let go or say goodbye. I am so scared. I am trying to decide on songs for your funeral and it breaks my heart so desperately that all of this is real. I am your mommy and no mommy should have to say goodbye so fast. Nine months just isn't enough. Please know that you are very much loved, wanted, and I cherish this time so much. I am so proud to be your mommy little man. You have no idea how proud of you I am. You have shown more strength and courage in this short time than I have in my entire life.

I love you so much little man.

love, xoxoxo
mommy

Journal Entry: August 6, 2007

I am trying to "pick out" songs for Kade's funeral and my mind is just reeling. Is this real? Is this really happening? How do I let my baby go? How do I lay him in some box and walk away? I can't do it-I know I can't. I am trying so hard to continue to find peace and be accepting to his journey with God, but I am struggling. He is my son-my sweet Kade. I already love him beyond words. I feel so scared and although I'm not, I feel so alone. I cry myself to sleep every night...but I am the only one who knows that.
Kade is growing and I can tell by how I carry him that he is in a very odd position. His heartbeat continues to be strong at our weekly doctor visits, so hopefully he is doing well. I am so swollen from the fluid that I simply don't think I can stretch any more. There is only so much a body can take and this pregnancy has really tested mine. I am not sure which is going to give out first-my heart or my body. I feel as though I have aged fifty years in the last few months. I am no longer young and carefree...this experience had completely changed me and I see that more and more each day. I hope that when all is said and done, I still have a glimpse of the girl I used to know.

Letters to Kade: August 5, 2007

Dearest Kade,
I just simply want to tell you that I love you! I love you with all my heart and soul.
Love, Mommy

Journal Entry: August 1, 2007

Each day is getting a little harder emotionally and physically. I just feel like I can not stretch anymore and the pain is almost unbearable at times. Kinsley and I did maternity pictures today and they turned out really sweet. She is growing so fast-it's just unbelievable. She brings so much joy to my life each day and I constantly wonder how I've been so blessed. Kade is growing and he is still pretty active. As hard as it is and as much as I'm dreading what is to come, I am also so excited to meet our son. I know no matter what, he'll be beautiful and perfect to me. I am so exhausted that I keep falling asleep as I try to write. It's all definitely beginning to take it's toll and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going.

Letters to Kade: August 1, 2007

My Sweet Boy,
You are growing and starting to make your way down. Mommy feels like she has a basketball in her tummy! I felt your knee or elbow sticking out tonight and it was amazing! I really hope to have another ultrasound soon-I want to see you! We took maternity pictures with you today. Kinsley kissed my belly and gave you lots of "loving" as she calls it. We made arrangements to have a photographer at the hospital...not sure how I feel about it other than I know I am elated that I'll have pictures of you after the craziness passes.
Family and friends have been researching anencephaly so that they'll better understand your birth defect and know what to expect when the time comes. Nothing could mean more to me than them trying to understand. I think it is also important they know what to expect if they plan on being at the hospital. None of us know what to expect, but I'd rather us know somewhat what to expect than be blindsided.
I love you so much my boy! You will always be my little boy and to me, you are perfect! I know you'll be in God's arms, but I am also very sad that you won't be in mine. I'm just not ready to let you go.

See you soon sweet boy! All Mommy's love....

Hmmm....decided to try something new today. Fits the current mood. You know those moments when you hear something and it just sticks? I'll have those little moments and it will send me in to think tank mode for the rest of the day. Being a little stubborn and a lot guarded, I tend to play a lot of things out in my head. Here's the play of the day: a friend sent me the video to Casting Crown's "Love them like Jesus" and in the video there's a line where the lead singer says " You can say what you think, but you'll live what you believe." I listened 3 more times. Wrote it on a post it an moved on about my morning. All the while, this quote is in the back of my mind. The lyrics play over and over in my head. How many of us have known a loved one, a friend, or a complete stranger going through trauma in their life and sit back without saying a word because we don't know what to say? I'm guilty. I've lost a child, yet I've watched other couples go through the same thing and don't say a word....I just don't have the words. I feel in my heart that there are no words to make the pain easier so I say nothing. In my darkest hour, I felt so alone and so abandoned by many people. Some of the people that lifted me up were people I hadn't always been close to...they circled around us when they know we needed them. It is amazing to me the people who came to our aid and sent such kind words when Kade died. People I hadn't seen in 10 years reached out. In those moments, I realized that I could believe in people. Maybe not all, but for the most part, people are worth giving a chance. So why is it so hard for me to do that for others? Loving them like Jesus is something most of us say we do or want to do, but rarely do we live that. For me, it has always been much easier to say than to do.
As I played that quote over in my head, it is kind of like a brick wall tumbled down on me. I've never had any trouble saying what I think....I call it opinionated, some would call it bitchy. Either way, I've always spoken my mind and judged others based on what I said I'd believed. Kind of a dose of reality to think that my life reflects what I believe. It is like that constant conflictedness you feel when you make tough decisions. Oh, to only have the crystal ball that would help us see the outcomes of our decisions. I am just as guilty for doing to others what I have so blasted people for doing to me. To live my life each day to reflect the beliefs I hold will be a true challenge. May sound silly-daily life isn't so dramatic. However, those times when you are innocently "gossiping" about someone....do I really want Kinsley to over hear that and think it is ok? Or...when I tell that little white lie about being busy so I don't have to commit to a social engagement......again, all she will see is that I am lying, not the silly reasoning behind it. Sometimes those little things add up. They add up to how we are seen by other people, and more importantly, how we see ourselves. For the most part, I think we all want the same thing: to be loved and respected for who we are; we're all trying to do the best we can to be super moms, super wives, super employees, and super everything else's (and yes, I realize that is not a word)!!!

Letters to Kade: July 22, 2007

Dearest Kade,
You've been an active boy, doing what I call the "surfacing" thing. You are always at odd angles in my belly! You are kicking me as we speak. You've been giving Mommy lots of contractions lately. It makes me wonder if you are going to make an appearance soon. We go to Dr.K tomorrow, so we'll get to hear to your little heartbeat and have that assurance, at least for another week. I can't tell you enough how much I treasure this time with you and how much I wish I had more time. From the day I found out you were coming, I dreamt of who you'd be, who you'd become, and laid out all my hopes and dreams for you. I never thought we'd instead be planning your funeral, or making arrangements for your death. I don't know how this happened to you or how Mommy and Daddy are supposed to go from here, but I do that you are very special; God gave you this short life and we will do our best to protect you for as long as you are in our care. We love you to the moon sweet boy!

Journal Entry: July 14, 2007

Kade has moved a lot today. I am so blessed to be his mother...I try to repeat that over and over and hopefully I'll convince myself that I truly am rejoicing in the positive rather than dwell in the negative that is about to slam down on us. I am so thankful he is active and strong. He's really putting up a fight. God bless his little heart. I am so ready to see him on an ultrasound again and see how big he's gotten. I'm not ready to let him go. The closer it gets, the more I am losing it little by little. I'm scared and a lot sad-and desperately wishing the outcome were different. I want to see him, love him, hold him, touch his little fingers and toes. But what if I can't let him go? How do I say goodbye? I know I'll see him in Heaven some day, but it's getting so hard to find reasoning in that. I know I should rejoice in that he'll be with God and that God chose me for this task, but I'm just not there. I don't know how to get through this. I don't know where to begin or how to prepare to say goodbye. People keep telling me there is a reason, that this is all part of a "bigger plan" God has for us. I honestly want to slap the next person who says that to me. I know that sounds awful....I just can't help it. For one, I can't fathom a loving Father would put their child through this. Pain isn't the right word.....there is nothing to compare it to or words to express what it feels like. The only way to understand the hurt is to live it and I wish that on no one. The scariest part is we haven't even come to the hardest part yet. This is just the beginning of a very long road.

My dearest friend...if you only knew how you've carried me through this. I am stronger and able to smile because of you. I know you see my pain and anguish when everyone else sees my smiles. You will never know how you've helped me live through this. I know you don't understand my decision, yet I also know you've respected it and supported me through it. I love you dearest friend...although I may not say it.

***10/13/10 You know who you are dearest friend. Apparently, it was on my heart to write this at the time, although, I am sure I never said the words to you. You've always been my rock and I love you to the moon :) Aunt Kimmy would sure be proud of the person you are today; as we all are!

Letters to Kade: July 18, 2007

Dear Sweet Boy,
You have not moved much at all today and you've got me a little worried. I'm hoping and praying you aren't being hurt by all the extra fluid I'm carrying. I am so used to you moving that it is all I've thought about today when you haven't.
Mommy's been having a hard time lately. I'm really feeling sad as your due date approaches. I'm extremely scared. Scared of the entire experience and scared that I won't be able to let you go when it is time to leave the hospital. I can't imagine leaving you in a "box", never to see you again until our heavenly meeting. That's the hardest part of all this. That's the one part I've never been able to prepare myself for.
Know that I love you tons and tons! You are my sweet, sweet boy and mommy's so glad she's been blessed to be your mommy!
xoxoxo,
mommy

Journal Entry: June 28, 2007

The days keep getting harder. My body is exhausted; mentally and physically. I'm just so sad and tired. I just feel helpless. I feel so guilty in that a woman's body is meant to carry a baby-how can my body allow some unexplainable birth defect to hurt our baby? I just want all of this to be a nightmare or some horrible medical mistake. This can't be real. The closer to his due date-the harder and harder it gets. I'm trying so hard to stick to faith and believe in the power of His word. It's such a struggle. It's so hard to believe Kade's unhealthy. He moves so much and seems so active and healthy. I can only pray I'll get to meet Kade alive. Please Lord let me meet him alive. I want to hold him, hold his little hand and tell him how much we love him. I can't wait to sing to him. I'm having a very hard time accepting this outcome or that I'm going to leave the hospital without him. How do I burr our son? How do I let go? I know he is God's child, that I was never guaranteed any time with him, but I still can't see how I am to do this. I worry about Kade suffering-I can't stand the thought of that. From what I've read and researched, some anencephalic babies have seizures prior to death and that thought just devastates me. I want to know my Kade alive and pray he's alive long enough for us to know him, but not if that means he has to suffer. I couldn't take watching him in pain. I never knew I could hurt this much or really understood the term broken hearted. This is true pain-true sadness. Then the flip side is enjoying Kinsley and not letting this affect her or her little world. She is so fun and she is what keeps me going everyday. She is my lifeline.

Letters to Kade: July 10, 2007

Dear Sweet Boy,
I got to hear your heartbeat yesterday! It was so strong. You continue to amaze me in your strength. You are a true champion. You seem to have grown-but Dr. K says you are still quite small. Yet you are very active...you love to play I think. Kinlsey loves to give you kisses through my belly.

As it get closer to your arrival, I'm beginning to have a harder time with the thought of letting you go. I have grown so accustomed to your movements and actions. I will miss that so deeply. I love you so very much. We all love you little boy! You are not a fetus to us or a "mistake." You are our son and it's been that way since day one. I've never been ashamed or wish you'd not been conceived. I feel blessed to be your mother and thank God everyday that I've been blessed to carry you for your time on earth. I can't wait to see you and kiss your little face.

xoxoxo, mommy

Live Authentically

So I am addicted to chocolate. I don't buy it or keep it in the house, however, my mom seems to keep me in full supply. "Therapy" she calls it. Her latest treat she sent home were the Dove chocolates. They have these cute little wrappers with "inspiring' messages inside each one. So today's read "Live Authentically". For some reason, that stuck with me all day (yes, I did have chocolate for breakfast...remember when I said I don't like having it in the house...exactly) for some reason. It's just been in my brain as to what that means. Does it mean be true to who you are, to make your own path, or simply just the definition of authentic: genuine, real. Most of my life, I have tried to be anything but authentic. I've always wanted to be someone else or like someone else. I've never been happy in my own skin. Whew-it's only taken me 30 years to say that out loud. Kidding aside, it is true that most of what we do in life is because it is to have more like someone else, to be more like someone else, and as a majority, to live as how others expect us to. Not much in life is authentic anymore. If living more authentic includes making it simpler, I am all in. I am so tired of working to achieve...achieve what, I don't know. The paycheck? Realistically, the paycheck is a necessity. Gotta have it or my kids don't eat. However, why must we work so hard, so much time away from our families, watch half of our salaries go to taxes (seriously---my last check had 40% taken out for taxes) , and then come home to the feelings of frustration and guilt that we've missed out on the very most important things to us. I had a friend say the other day "Well, my kids are in school most of the day anyway" and yes, that is true for most (mine aren't there yet), however, wouldn't it be nice that when they got home, you could be there for them? Or when you came home in the evening, the house work, dinner, dishes, etc would be done so you could just spend time with them and actually SLEEP before the sun came up?? Maybe it just me, but I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling like I should always be some where else. At work I feel guilty for leaving my kids, at home I feel guilty for not working on an unfinished project or email. And DARN THAT BLACKBERRY....every since I've had that thing, I live by that darn blinking red light. I may be home and with my family, but subconsciously, I'm check out...I am constantly checking that thing or thinking about checking it. You hear all this stuff about "living in the moment" and normally, I am the first one to go "CORNY" but you know, I am buying more and more into that theory. These moments won't last forever, and not a one is guaranteed. I want my kids to remember those moments and when my time on this earth is done, I want them to have so many memories of those little moments, that their hearts are full, and not sad with grief. I will never be able to give my kids everything...however, I can give them everything in me. Everything they need to be respectful, compassionate, and loving adults. At the end of the day, that paycheck can't buy that. I love what I do and I am very blessed God has granted me with the career that he has. However, as a mom, the time spent with my kids just never seems to be enough. So the promise I made to myself today was this: It is ok to just be me, to just want to be myself, and that at the end of every day, I am going to enjoy this "real" life, as it is everything I ever could have wanted and it has taken a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get here.

Journal Entry: June 2007

This afternoon Kinlsey and I went to see a friend and her new baby boy. I handled it a lot better than I expected to. He is so cute and so tiny. I held him and Kinsley kissed him. I didn't tear up until we got in the truck-but I did not fall apart. I am making progress.

I also realized that I am so blessed. If I do nothing else in my life, I have been a mother and have loved my daughter and my son with all my heart. My son has a purpose-a purpose I believe is to teach me compassion, grace, humility, and of God's love. Kade's taught me so much in his short little life.

I am starting to wonder if I am ready for what is to come; if you can ever be ready. I am dreading what lies ahead and have no idea what to expect. I am scared. What if I can't do it? What if I totally lose it when it comes time for the funeral? I feel like I am walking into a really large tunnel and I have no idea if I'll ever come out of the other side. I make it through the days ok, but nights are the worst. When the lights go out is when I realize how afraid and alone I feel. One thing I know with complete confidence is that if I survive this, I can survive anything.

Letters to Kade: July 3, 2007

Dearest Kade,
Today your sister rubbed my belly and said "hi baby" then gave you a kiss. She knows there's a baby in there somewhere. You haven't moved much today. Maybe you're just tired-we were very busy running errands today. When Kinsley was rubbing my belly today, you kicked her her hand. It was awesome.

I am trying to keep up a brave front. It is getting harder and harder. Many people still don't know about your diagnosis and I am hoping we can keep it that way for as long as possible. People can be cruel and many of those that do know keep telling us what we should or should not do or look at us like complete aliens or something. I get it makes people uncomfortable and people don't know what to say, but I am so tired of feeling awkward around people.

I hope you wake up a bit when I lay down! I miss feeling you move!

All my love,
Mommy

Journal Entry: June 12, 2007

Each of us has a story-a beginning, a middle, and an end. I always thought I knew my story, or that I could plan it all out. What I forgot was that God already had a plan for my life and I had forgotten to listen. Kade's story is very unique and his life very special. His began at conception, the middle through his time in the womb, and the end will be at his birth. However short his story may seem, it is the story of a life; the story of my son. Sometimes I wish I could read ahead and see how the ending plays out, then again, I don't think I want to know as I am afraid I won't enjoy the time I have left with him. This experience has taught me so much about life and about myself. I am much stronger than I knew and I realize now that life is series of events, not one long ride we sit through. It consists of choices; easy ones, tough ones, ones you embrace, ones you regret, and ones that forever change who you are and who you'll become. When the story of my life ends, I hope that it reads that I lived for my children and that as much as I'll miss this earthly life, I'll sure be in a hurry to meet that beautiful little boy waiting for me in Heaven.

Letters to Kade: June 28, 2007

Hey Little Man,
How fast this time with you is going! Honestly, the closer to your due date we get, the harder it is to accept your diagnosis. I can't imagine letting you go. Reality is beginning to get the best of me. I think of you throughout the entire 24 hours of a day. I don't think I've ever honestly wished, hoped, or prayed for anything this much in my entire life.

Kinsley is so excited to meet you and it breaks my heart for her as much as for us. I have no idea how I'll ever explain it to her. She is so little and doesn't deserve this pain either. I can't think about that or I'll go insane.

You move so much and even though you are small, you make my entire belly move when you kick. You are so active in utero just like your sister was. It's so hard to imagine you're not healthy! You seem so healthy as you move around. You are such a fighter and I am so proud of the fight you've given. You are a champion little man.

If you can-please hang on to meet us. Fight as long as you are able. When you can't fight anymore, please know it is ok to go. Mommy and Daddy don't want you to be in pain or discomfort.

I love you so, so much!

Journal Entry: June 10, 2007

His grace is sufficient for me. That is what I keep telling myself over and over. This tribulation is for a purpose and no matter what, we will always have a son. Kade Daniel Klaassen will always be our son. He will always be a part of us. He is growing so much and he moves all the time. I am so thankful for that. It makes this time so much more special. It's made me feel like I've gotten a chance to know him. He has such a personality. I am so glad. I know in all this darkness there is light. The light is God's love and grace and that Kade will be happy and healthy at the feet of God. How can I be angry or sad about that? How can I be so selfish as to deny him that? I am so glad I am carrying him. I can't imagine not seeing him, holding him, etc. I would've always wondered. some call the decision selfish, some brave. I say neither. A mother loves her child unconditionally and her instinct is to protect her children. I don't even see it as my choice. It's always been in God's hands, whether I was aware of it or not. It's insane to think how smug I was. To think we could control everything or that we can just choose when and how things in our life will take place.

Letters to Kade: June 19, 2007

Dearest Kade,
Sunday was your first Father's Day! We went to grammy and papa's. Your name was signed on each card. I hope that helps people understand that you are, and always will be, a part of this family. Just because your life expectancy is short is no reason to dismiss you as our child. Through this I have learned even the Godliest of people can be harsh and cold. I think people just don't want to understand-they are afraid to. It makes them realize that it can happen to anyone or someone they know or love.
We found out this week that there have been 2 babies in our distant families that were born with anencephaly. One from each side. No one had ever talked about it until they learned about you.

Kade-I thank God for blessing me with you every day. You have taught me so much. I know people don't understand-but you are our son. You kick, roll, and grow like any other child in the womb. A mother's instinct is to protect her child-that's what I am doing-protecting you as long as I can. In my heart I truly believe it was never my decision to continue or end your life. That is God's decision and I don't want to stand before God on judgement day and have him ask me why I killed his child.

I want to see you-hold you and tell you I love you. I need that to grieve and say goodbye. I need to know you. I can't imagine going through life wondering who you looked like,how big you are, thinking I could have one hour or one day or however long with you. I will cherish any to every minute with you-I know your daddy will too.

This morning you've moved way up to "the surface" of my belly. We could feel you completely and my whole belly was lopsided. It was awesome!

As much as I know I will miss miss miss you, I also know and cherish the fact that you'll be in a safe, joyous place as surrounded by angels. Keep up the fight sweet boy!

I love, love, love you!

The Golden Rule

So we've had a situation in our family lately that has given me great perplexity (is that even a word?? We are going with it). I can't honestly say that I've always cared about repeating gossip or hurting someones feelings by repeating "information." However, after the last three years I can say I DO CARE and I can honestly say I am such a different person in that I refuse to be the one to bring pain to someone else (purposely anyway). This situation has brought on some strong emotions, yet I am trying so hard not to be THAT person. That person who talks about it, trashes the person in question, or repeats something that is of no affect to my immediate family. If this person is not hurting me, do I have the right to speak up if they are hurting a loved one? I was raised by the golden rule...my mom worked really hard to teach me that what you give out comes around four times worse...and the good you give out comes around for the better. I have learned to believe in karma. So I guess the obvious answer is to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it...darn it, I am going to try.
I wonder what it is about our human nature that makes us so interested in other's lives? Things like People magazine crack me up as why do we pay $5 to read about someones coffee preference or who they are dating this week? Really, do we care that much? I honestly feel like I've lost about 20 IQ points each time I read one of those silly gossip magazines. So silly! Maybe if we all spent that equal amount of time on our own lives, we'd have a lot less problems in the world.

Off to get some sleep-with a sick baby, I see many wake up calls thru the night tonight.

Letters to Kade: June 10, 2007

Sweetest Kade,
You were destined to be an athlete I think! You kick, roll, move, punch etc.most of the day and night. I am so very thankful for that! I am so thankful that you have given me a chance to get to feel you, know you, and "see" your personality in the short time we've had together. You've made this time so special-so worth the heartache of what will come later. I can't help but believe maybe God will grant us a miracle and you'll be born with a beautiful, perfect placed skull. I can live with any "disorder" or birth defect, but losing you is something I won't ever get over. No parent should have to bury their child. There are so many things I want to tell you. So many things I want to show you. More than anything-I want you to feel how much you are loved. I hope you can see from Heaven all the people that love you and will be devastated when you return to Heaven. I am so sad that I won't get a chance to share an earthly life with you, but I will also rejoice in the fact that you will be safe, healthy, and forever my son at the hands of God. I am so thankful you are my son. I am so thankful God blessed me with you-no matter how long we have together. You are so very special to me and our family. Always know that mommy loves you sweet boy.

xoxoxo,
mommy